The inspiration for this posting comes from my elderly folk. After some recent discussions with all of them; conversations we've had, stories they've told, things they've said to me in passing. All of this has started me thinking...
And so, I've just been doing a lot of deep inward thinking. All of this contemplation has led me to the conclusion that I'm sick of settling in my life. I've always been the one sitting around waiting. And most of the time waiting for nothing. What is the point?
I'm always forgiving, sometimes forgetting, often regretting.
Well no more. I mean, I'm sure I'll still be a forgiving person, but forgiving doesn't mean I have to allow opportunity to be hurt again. It just means that I'm not angry with you for it. It can also mean that I'm letting myself move on. A person can only take so much being at the bottom of the totem pole. I'm tired of being the last priority for everyone. For my friends, for my family, for potential relationships, or even just for casual dates. I'm yearning for support. Or just respect. And I intend to find it.
My new goal is to not allow others to make me feel like less than I deserve anymore.
My family interactions have been a bit frustrating lately, not to go into any excruciating detail. But that in itself is hard enough to deal with, because family is so important to me. This may very well be the thing that's eating at me the very most. And yet that's all I'm going to say on this huge subject at the moment. I simply can't bring myself to think about this one anymore.
Next up, friends. This one is tricky because we all get so busy. And when I was working so much I know I was the worst culprit. But it just seems like all of my dearest friends, rather the ones I've always considered my closest friends, are MIA. Some I haven't seen in months. Others I saw recently, which just helped to remind me how much I MISS them all. I know that life gets crazy, and that makes it hard to always spend so much time. But I shouldn't feel as if they are lost to me, or beyond my reach. And it's time to try and regain those strong bonds.
The latest Nintendo night was perfect. And I need many more in the near future. I also need to see my redneck. I need to reconnect with some of my "long lost" friendships. I need to have that invisible support that naturally comes along with spending time with those important people. With those friends. Those bonds that help make you a stronger person. I've been sorely missing those kindred spirits. I know that life has gotten in the way for all of us, and taken us to different places. With different things going on. And I understand that it gets hard to remain so close all the time. But I say we're long overdue for a reunion. And so that's what I'll be trying for here. Strengthening newer friendships. Reuniting with older ones. Just replenishing those bonds. And spending some time with those that I'm missing so much (or at least I hope I can arrange it in the near future, all our crazy lives permitting! **fingers crossed**)
Casual dates, well I guess there's not much to expect there. If these fall through, so be it. I've never expected much anyway, but I just can't let myself reflect anything from this category onto my own self worth. It happens. People generally suck. And so be it. Moving on.
Potential relationships...maybe the trick is to stop seeing things as anything potential. No holding these hopes in the back of my mind. At least not until they PROVE themselves to be potential, or rather to have potential. Because until they put forth the effort to hold my hopes, they shouldn't hold the power to upset me either. I have got to try harder to keep everything in that casual date category until I know for sure I should think of it as anything stronger. I'm usually pretty good about it, but every once in a while...
Anyway, back to the reason for the post. All the stories from my elderly folk about their significant others. How they met. What made them fall in love. Things that kept their relationship alive and kicking, strong until the end. Little things like that. For example: one of them told me a story about a night when she was walking with her now late husband. She said that they were talking, and he held her close. She told me that with every step they took, he whispered one more reason why he loved her. And with every step he had something new to add. Every time she thought he must have run out of reasons, he continued with more. And that was the first night she started to fall for him, madly in love with him.
This story, as well as many other stories and comments made to me about how I deserve the best, and how amazing my old people think I am, etc. And stories from women my age about the men who still open doors, and make a point to treat them like ladies. Pulling up to the curb at a movie theater, getting out and running around the car to open the door, dropping her off there and then parking and meeting her to buy the tickets. Things like that. People putting forth effort. People showing that they want to be there. Proving that they deserve returned affection. People who make their significant other a priority.
Sometimes I think that people like this are extinct, it was all just another time. Another time, and the world has changed. Which is true, but I've heard enough about modern day men who are still old fashioned at heart. Or men who are just gentleman, not necessarily old fashioned. But they do still exist. Just few and far between. There are still men and women who know how to show others respect. Who know how to have morals, and standards. You just have to know how to find them I guess.
Now I don't need such lavish, over the top gestures. I've never been very high maintenance in this area. But, I DO NEED SOMETHING. Some sort of effort. Somebody to TRY. I don't need perfection. I don't need ooey gooey romance. I don't need something that sounds like a romance novel, or something practically pulled from a chick flick. Yes, larger "sweep me off my feet" kind of moments are nice, but not required. They're very appreciated, they're amazing, and they're memorable. But I don't need every guy I meet to fly me to New York, take my breath away, and shock me with amazing moments or a 4 foot tall rose. Yes, I loved every second of that. Yes, it made me feel like I was living in a movie. Yes, it was something I never thought I'd have. Yes, I'm glad that it happened. And yes, I will remember it for the rest of my life! Don't get me wrong, I would love to have somebody do something like that again. But no, that's not what I'm specifically looking for. It's not what I need, though I wouldn't turn it away.
I just want someone to try. Somebody to prove they want some time with me. To put forth some sort of effort, show me some respect. I don't need anybody else to waste my time. A person that wants to be in my life, will make an effort to be there. Not make me feel as though I'm an after thought. I just want somebody who cares, and shows me that they care. I'm looking for somebody who won't make me do all the work. Who's willing to meet me halfway. Who will actually pursue me, and let me share my affection in return. And until I find that, I guess I'll stick to casual dates without investment. I can't afford to invest without a return investment anymore.
So here's a huge thank you to all my old people. Thank you for reminding me what I'm worth. Thank you for reminding me what I deserve. Thank you for inspiring me constantly. Thank you for sharing your stories, and giving me hope. Thank you for giving me something to strive for, and aspire to. Thank you for being there, for loving me, and for letting me love you. <3 <3 <3
And here's where I'll wrap this up. Hopefully get some shut eye. It's funny how I always feel a bit better after one of these blog vent sessions, it really is a good emotional outlet for somebody like me.
So until next time, just don't forget to breathe!
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