Discombobulation

I haven't really had much time to sit and blog lately, let alone even just sit and think. I don't even know where to begin. Couldn't tell you what I'm thinking if I tried. My mind is racing, yet there are no traces of focused thought to be found. I don't know where I am, or where I'm going. I'm not entirely sure how I got here. Just, somehow...I ended up in this lonely field of dark bewilderment. Lost and confused; disoriented.

I was done. Just done. Sick of trying. Sick of failing. Sick of the whole game. Content with my solitude. Now I'm not so sure...

Hesitation has been my companion in the past few weeks. I'm scared. Terrified. Scared to move forward. Scared to move backward. Scared to try, yet again. Scared to not try. Scared to put my heart and soul, to put MYSELF on the line. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is a good idea in theory, but when actually executed the theory turns into a great potential for pain. But then there's that whole, you never know unless you try, thing. And who wants to live with regret of not trying?

"How many times can I break 'till I shatter? Over the line, can't define what I'm after." --lyrics, Shattered by O.A.R.

So my defense mechanism of choice, became hesitation. Isolation. I kept trying to hide myself. Hide my heart. Bottle my emotions up, and lock them safe on a shelf in a jar...where they can do no damage. No damage to me, no damage to anyone else. No harm, no foul. The trouble is, I can't seem to pull it off. I don't mean to let people in; for the most part I don't let people in, at all. But every once in a while, someone manages to traverse my defenses and leave me feeling discombobulated.

And here I am. How did I get here? Suddenly I find myself beyond that point of intrigued. My heart all a flutter. Wondering what could become of this; where this thing could go. Contemplating the time old question: What if? Here I am, hurdling my own defenses. Now I'm outside of the ivory tower. Outside my own emotional wall perimeters. And for what? How did I get here? When did I jump? Plunging, on my own, into the center of that bewildering field. That "no ends to be seen on the horizon" lonely field. Cold and defenseless. Feeling vulnerable. Emotionally exposed. And now that same fear which had somehow magically melted away (I suppose, with all those warm moments), yeah, it's starting to sink in again. I'm left sitting here, a bit anxious and distraught. Dreading the conclusions, too afraid to find out what's going to happen. But too anxious to wait for the answers, and almost needing to know now. Torn. Contradicting myself. Yep, here I am.

At least I have plenty of distractions to ease the worry as I wait. Perhaps I'll start looking for a way back inside my emotional barricades...could be soothing to lock myself up again. In the mean time, life goes on. Here's to taking it one day at a time! :) Onward, ever onward. Life is forever moving on. Ready or not, here I come!

And until next time, don't forget to breathe!