"'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love, I'm just falling to pieces. And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up. If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up, On love, On love. And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love, when all my resistance will never be distance enough." --lyrics Wreck Of The Day, by Anna Nalick
...If nothing has even happened yet, then why does it feel as though my heart is already breaking?
"I thought my heart had learned its lesson, it feels so good when you start out. My head is screaming get a grip, girl. Unless you're dying to cry your heart out." --lyrics I Won't Say (I'm In Love), from Disney's Hercules
Here I am, an absolutely jumbled mess of emotions which I just can't seem to sort through. Upset about things I've no right to be upset about, yet unable to stop the frustration from festering. And with this sinking feeling in my gut, I just can't seem to shake it. It's a gloomy place to be. Intuitively concerned, for although it's just a hunch...those gut feelings can often be quite accurate, as much as I hope that it's not.
"Somebody fix me. Fix me from head to toe. You'd better drop a line. Or else you're leaving me out in cold." --lyrics Somebody Fix Me, by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals
I've found myself caught in this tailspin, disoriented and confused; sort of wanting to get rid of this pesky "feelings" business. Heartache comes with no cure, no rhyme or reason, just an ache. The dull throbbing, and yet somehow also sharp (as contradictory as that seems), aching pain. The kind that generates from deep within.
Oh, that bloody heartache.
I've been listening to all this soulful music, thinking to myself "Sing it, sista friend" and realizing that the blues are connected to my soul and speaking to my heart at the moment. I've got the inexplicable, rough, and mysterious...downright un-explainable blues.
"It's hard to believe, it hurts to be in love. If you see the tears, fall from my eyes, you'll have to be in love, to know the reason why. The joy and the pain, that all of us feel, are part of the thing, that makes true love so real." --lyrics It Hurts To Be In Love, by Betty Everett
I'm so tired of these tears streaming down my face. But the more I try to analyze them, the more they continue to fall. I think when I try to stop the tears, instead they fall harder. I feel helpless.
"But then the light comes through the dark, and our questions fall apart. It's just the beating of our hearts and the still of the midnight air. And I get so overwhelmed, till it's hard to tell what I'm thinking. We get down, down, down. We feel sorry for ourselves. We get down, down, down. We all need somebody's help." --lyrics Overwhelmed, by Rachel Platten
I have all these uncontrollable emotions simply from the series of events, alone. Before you take into account these new twinges of doubt. See, when you start to add in the other things it's a little overwhelming. The distance is appearing to grow. The desire on one side seeming to fade? Could that be right? I can't hold this thing together on my own. Am I the only one that still wants it to be intact? This sense of doom hurts so much. I keep thinking that it's more than I can take, but I suppose there's really no such thing as more than I can take. We're never given more than we can handle. Just maybe more than we want to handle. We may feel as though it's more than we can bear; truth is we are capable of managing much more than we're aware.
"Everytime we kiss, you don't know how you steal a piece of my soul. You don't know how it feels to be the one who loves the most. How hard it is not to beg you to stay, then watch you go. Oh, you say it's all in my head, but to me it seems so real. No, you don't know how it feels. You might think you do, but you don't." --lyrics You Don't, by Sara Evans
This little voice in the back of my mind tells me that I need to walk away. But I don't want to. I'm scared to lose you. I'm scared to stay and get hurt. Walking away sounds harder in this moment. The vague urge to leave...I wonder if that's coming from somewhere stable, or just from fear. Where do I go from here? How long do you hang on? When do you know it's time to let go? I don't want to let go, but what if eventually I must? I hope with every fiber of my being that this is not what I worry it is. I suppose time will eventually answer all of my questions. Now it's just a waiting game...
And on that lovely note, I'm off to drown my sorrows in some more music before acquiring slumber.
Until next time, just don't forget to breathe.
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