Inform the star fleet, I have another Borg sighting...blast that L -word out of the sky!

Here I am, writing again. It seems to be the best way for me to attempt soothing emotional distress. In this case, heart ache...but that just means that most of my posts are depressing. Sorry about that folks, but we're in for another one of those kind of rides. So I guess I'll just jump right in to it then. Here we go:

I try so hard to be careful and cautious. To take things slow and not rush. To try and guard my heart. I put up these walls to keep people from getting in, yet for some reason the few times I let them down a bit all hell breaks loose and my emotions get stomped on. "The Universe" is kind of a bitch sometimes. No matter how hard I try, I can't get around the fact that love bites, and it bites hard.

...Oh shoot...did I just say love? I've been avoiding that word. Refraining from saying that. But I guess that's pretty much where I'm at again. Damn it. Damn him. Damn feelings. And damn that bloody L-word. It's supposed to be amazing, but I keep finding the harsh kind instead. It sneaks up on you and slips in without warning. It plays games with you, and definitely doesn't play fair most of the time. It's a fickle thing we call love. Wonderful and awful all at the same time. Complicating life for mortal man since it's invention. Both a super hero and a super villain of sorts. ...oh love.

"If I fall, can ya let me down easy? If I leave my heart with you tonight, will you promise me that you're gonna treat it right? I'm barely hangin on, so if I fall, can you let me down easy?" --lyrics from Let Me Down Easy, by Billy Currington

Don't get me wrong, things aren't exactly over just yet. I'm not totally sure what's going to happen with him. With US. But I do know that either way, my heart is aching right now.

I knew that things were different between us, that something had changed, but I tried to keep myself from jumping to conclusions. I could feel it building, but told myself to calm down. I told myself it was probably because we just spent 9 days of 24/7 time together, that it had strained us and would fix itself with a little space. But my intuition told me it was more than that, and as usual my gut feeling was correct.

Maybe it's heading for a heart break. Maybe it's not. It's just one of those things that only time will tell. One thing is for sure, I've developed really strong feelings. And I still care about him, so much; no matter what. Either way, I'll still care. Always. Why'd I have to go and fall so hard? You'd think I'd know better by now! Oh well, it's too late now.

"There's too many things that I haven't done yet. Too many sunsets I haven't seen. You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down. You would've thought by now I'd have learned something." --lyrics from Many the Miles, by Sara Bareilles

So we've decided to kind of play it by ear, and see if we can figure this thing out. But if things keep going like this, I don't see how it can get any better. If we stay stuck in a lack of communication zone, eventually we'll have to take the nearest exit. That's the opposite of what I want, but facts are facts. Things have definitely changed, and unless we can figure out why, or how to fix it, or both...we may have to face those facts.

I'm not sure how it can change like that. We used to talk constantly. For hours on end. About everything. About nothing. It was just comforting to know I always had him in my court. Over the years of friendship, and then trying the something more. I could always tell him anything. I felt safe. Talking to him made me feel better about everything. But I hesitated to jump anyway. I like to be cautious. I don't like to rush. And I knew from the beginning that the distance could be a big deal. That it could be more than a big deal. He was still so sure, it made me start believing we could make it work too...but here we are, in limbo. All of our talk of how we could do this, and how we wanted it so much we'd be able to put the work in for it, blah blah blah...it's just that, talk. Unless we can somehow bounce back from this, and walk the walk too. **shrug**

When the going gets tough, the tough get going? But what if you want to stay? Are you still tough?

"You loved me 'cause I'm fragile. When I thought that I was strong. But you touch me for a little while, and all my fragile strength is gone." --lyrics from Gravity, by Sara Bareilles

How did I get here? I told myself I wasn't going to do this again. Here I am.

"Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love. All my resistance will never be distance enough." --lyrics Wreck of the Day, by Anna Nalick

To quote one of my earlier blog posts, "Love is like the Borg, resistance is futile." That's as true to me now as it was back then.

I didn't want to fall, but I'm here on the floor again. I don't want to just let this go. I want to grasp tightly to it; keep my grip and hang on for dear life. But that won't work. I can't force somebody to be with me. Or to want to be. Either the feelings are still there for both parties, or it's a lost cause. You can't build upon a broken foundation or the structure will crumble. So if it turns out he doesn't feel that way anymore, I'll suck it up. Pick myself up. Brush myself off. And keep on trudging along (somehow). I'm a big girl. I'm tougher than I like to admit. I can pull up my big girl panties and be a grown up. No matter how much I want to make it work, I'm not one to beg (and that would never work anyway. At least not for any kind of quality, strong, meaningful relationship. And if I'm not getting something meaningful, then what's the point in holding on? I want the real deal someday). If that day ever comes...

My only hope is that we can get back to some sort of rhythm with our communication. That would at least help us sort out this jumbled mess of confusion. If we can get back to talking like us again. At least maybe then we could tell what we're doing. Figure out what we really want and/or need. Figure out where to go, or what the right thing to do in this case is. Besides, I miss that as much, if not more, than I miss him. The way we used to talk.

It's funny how the tables have turned, and our roles have switched. In the beginning I was the unsure one, and he was so convinced and certain. Now I'm the sure one, and he's hesitating. The pages turned, just not at the same time. It's like we're reading different parts of the story and trying to read together. Maybe we're stuck on different pages now. I'm sure it's possible to fix, but I don't really know how. Where do you begin?

Now I'm left feeling like a burden.

Feeling torn. Knowing what I want, but not sure if I should even say anything. Wanting desperately to have that person I could tell everything to, but not being able to tell him that. Wondering if I'm like a pest now. Just pestering and bothering. Before the last little while I had never wondered that, never needed to. It was always obvious and apparent exactly how he felt. But it seems his mind has changed.

"Driving away from the wreck of the day. And the light's always red in the rear-view. Desperately close to a coffin of hope, I'd cheat destiny just to be near you. If this is giving up, then I'm giving up. If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up on love, On love." --lyrics from Wreck of the Day, by Anna Nalick

So here I hold my tears at bay.

And I wait. What I'm waiting for is still unknown; but still, wait I must. I can't let go. At least not yet. Don't want to in any case, but I know that it's possible I may have to at some point. So I brace myself for that let down. For that fall to the hard ground. I prepare myself for the goodbye I so badly dread. I know I can handle it, though I don't want to. Won't be easy, but I will get by. That sliver of anticipation remains, letting me hope I won't have to. So I cling to that for the time being.

"When the evening shadows and the stars appear, and there is no one there to dry your tears. I could hold you for a million years, to make you feel my love. I know you haven't made your mind up yet, but I would never do you wrong. I've known it from the moment that we met. No doubt in my mind where you belong." --lyrics from Make You Feel My Love, by Bob Dylan

And here I bring this blog post to a close. Nighty night blog, sleep tight world, or something like that.

Until next time, don't forget to breathe! I'll be here trying to remember that same sentence myself.

Distracted? Who, me? ...oh look a butterfly!

Well, it's been a while since I posted anything. Sorry blogging world. Life has been crazy, to say the least. I've had some wonderful adventures! Life has been good as of late. Also busy and stressful, but really good. Loving the new home, not so much the roommate drama...but such is life. LOVED loved the trip to NYC! And mostly just taking things one day at a time with work and the like.

As per the norm of my blog, there is a new HIM in my life. And he's pretty great. In so many ways. However, I'm a little nervous right now, not knowing what's happening. I mean, I had been freaking out before because...well...we all know my track record lol. But just when I stopped freaking out, and started getting really excited about it, things seemed to change a little in the last week. I'm hoping it's just a coincidence and has to do with other things, and not with me or with us. But never the less, I'm a little nervous. Concerned. Something along those lines. But I've decided to try and stay calm, and to give it a couple weeks to see if things begin feeling more normal again before I say anything. I don't want to stir up any trouble if it's really nothing. I just need to remember to take deep breaths.

I'm really hoping he hasn't been rethinking things, because if that's the case I'm in for another heart break. It seems no matter how hard I try not to, sometimes it's inevitable and I still fall. Yup, I've fallen. Pesky feelings...why must the heart go against logic and the mind!? Oh well. That feeling of falling is kind of fun. And it's life experience. I suppose it's one of those things worth going for, because you never know until you try. Even though it hurts like hell most of the time. Here's hoping...

On an entirely different note...I'm STARVING! And food commercials should be banned. Sorry, guess I'm being a little ADD tonight haha.

So distracted, must be time to wrap this up. So until next time, don't forget to breathe!

I'm off for a movie night. Hopefully it won't be another 3 months until I post again. :) I'll try

The struggle of just loving me (myself and I)

A strange weekend coming to a close. The results of which are me sitting here contemplating on past situations, on life, and on the future. It's interesting how such a small turn of events can cause so much internal turmoil.

My thoughts on the past situation. On the HIM situation. I had wanted so badly to see him once more. To have some closure. To be able to say all the things I had observed and concluded. But I realize that with the conclusions I have come to, it's possibly best to just let go now. Because that closure I'm seeking is probably not there lying in that last goodbye, that last goodbye would probably just make it that much harder instead. It's obvious that his feelings for me have changed. It's clear that he doesn't want to see me, or to discuss anything. At the beginning being with him felt so amazing. Made me feel so amazing. I just knew that he cared. But now I know that he probably does not. Or at least not in the way I once thought. I need to just let myself move on. Let him move on. I wish I knew why letting go was so difficult. Letting go is always the hardest part of any goodbye. Damn those feelings.

"The only solution, is making the conclusion that it's just another lesson in life." --lyrics, You Never Stop Loving Somebody by Big and Rich

I remember when we started off. How thrilling it was to talk to him. Even the simplest conversations were so fulfilling. Everything about him made me feel special. Made me feel loved. And in the end it was the opposite. Every conversation made me feel judged. Made my heart break again and again. Made me feel despised. Like the love had vanished. The way he spoke to me completely changed. It should have made it easy to say goodbye. Say good riddance. Yet even after I had decided that I should just walk away, for some reason I couldn't actually do it. I told myself over and over again that I was done, but honestly I wasn't. I just couldn't manage to be honest with myself. So I just kept lying.

Even now, I so badly just want him to hold me. Want him to kiss me, and tell me that everything is going to be okay. Want him to be here with me in this very moment. If for no other reason than just to sit with me.

"You never stop loving somebody. No matter what you tell yourself. You never stop loving somebody. You just start loving somebody else." --lyrics, You Never Stop Loving Somebody by Big and Rich

I guess it's time for me to try just loving myself.

So this is me letting go. Or at least attempting to. I miss him badly, but I really hope that one day he finds that somebody who belongs in his life. That somebody that makes him feel alive. With feelings that never fade. A girl that's perhaps better suited than me. Apparently we weren't the right fit. But somewhere is his missing puzzle piece. I hope he realizes that he can have that. That he should have that. That he'll let that happen someday, and not lock himself in this nothingness place he seems to be holding up in now. Nobody is perfect, but everybody deserves to find love. I'm not convinced it's there for me, but just the same I hope he finds it out there somewhere. I wish happiness upon him. The future should be bright.

Aside from all the lingering feelings tied to the HIM I have spoken so much of in the past few months, I've managed to make my emotional state an even bigger disaster in the last weekend. There's now a different him to be concerned with. A kiss or two (or a few...something like that) can lead to so much awkwardness. How can you tell if you've thrown away a friendship? How can you tell what damage you've caused? How do you know how big a mistake you made, or if it's actually okay? I miss the way it was with my friend. I miss the way it was, and I don't know if I can have that back. I'm honestly afraid to try and talk to this one now, after the happenings of this weekend. Starting the year off right, with new confusion and frustration. I guess I'll wait, and see. Hopefully the friendship isn't completely damaged from this. Hopefully I won't need to add this to my list of regrets. Hopefully I haven't lost my buddy, my pal. I suppose time will tell. It's only been a couple days, I'll try not to jump to conclusions too quickly. I just have this sinking feeling in my gut. Maybe my instincts about how he feels on the matter are wrong.

On a brighter note, it's the new year. A new beginning. A fresh start.

It's been good in so many ways...new start, new year, new home. So many things to be excited about. I need to focus on that, and stop worrying about these situations. Easier said than done, but it is the time for resolutions after all. Worth a shot at least.

Until next time, don't forget to breathe.

"If I hate you, what does that do? So I breathe in and I count to 10" --lyrics, I Forgive You by Kelly Clarkson

My head is a dandelion, don't let the kids pop it off!

Sitting here, sicker than a dog. Watching the drunks. Pondering life. Trying to forget the day I had. Pretending that my head isn't going to pop off. And wondering what...to do? Wondering what I think? I'm not really sure what I'm wondering, I just know that I'm wondering. I definitely feel like garbage. But I'm definitely excited about the changes that are coming up in my life. For the first time in a long time I'm excited to see what's next. I'm mostly happy to be where I am.

Forever moving forward. Forever moving on. And this time when I say that, it's not with regret. No bitterness. No pretending, or trying to convince myself. Onward I go.

I'm on a big adventure. I'm sad for a few lost moments, and vaguely longing for their return. But ready for the new ones to come. Ready for the next chapter to start, whatever that chapter is.

Ready to be me. And also ready to be un-sick. Wondering how I'm going to survive the morning, and hoping I manage to catch some Z's tonight...that one might be a bit of a challenge. But if anyone can do it, it's probably me.

On that note, don't forget to breathe. Until next time!

Crying over spilled milk

Moving on seems so impossible. How do you move on when letting go is the hardest part? I don't want to move. I know that I should let go, but I can't bring myself to want that. I don't want to think anymore. I shouldn't be allowed to be alone with my own thoughts sometimes, I probably 'ought to have a chaperon. These thoughts are all but killing me. Sometimes I think I may be my own worst enemy.

Arch nemesis = me.

"How long's it gonna take before you see that she's no me? Oh, no." --lyrics Every Time You Lie, by Demi Lovato

Falling in love: well, I know better than to fall, yet here I am sitting on the ground.

There's a reason that I avoid emotional attachment, and this is why. Whenever I get too close it just hurts. Like a moth to the flame, but I get too close and burn. I think my heart has caught fire and is slowly burning; I feel as though I'm burning to ash. Why can't I seem to let this go?

"It's too much pain to have to bear, to love a man you have to share." --lyrics Stay, by Sugarland

Even when you're just sharing him with a memory...it feels as though your world is crumbling down around you.

"And I'll be begging you, baby, beg you not to leave. But I'll be left here waiting, with my heart on my sleeve. Oh, for the next time we'll be here, seems like a million years. And I think I'm dying. What do I have to do to make you see, she can't love you like me?" --lyrics Stay, by Sugarland

So here I'm left. All alone. Alone with myself, with my thoughts, with my arch nemesis. Missing him. Missing us. Missing the nonsensical conversations. Missing his arms around me. Missing the sound of his heartbeat, with my head on his chest. Missing his face. Missing his presence. Wishing that I could be there, in one of those moments again. And also wishing I had never been there at all. All at the same time.

If I hadn't let myself fall, it wouldn't feel like this now.

"And it only hurts when I'm breathing. My heart only breaks when it's beating. My dreams only die when I'm dreaming. So, I hold my breath - to forget." --lyrics It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing, by Shania Twain

I know there's no use in dwelling on things I can't change. I know that there's "no use in crying over spilled milk." But sometimes you just can't help it. So, as the tears come, which they periodically do...I just have to let them fall briefly. Then pick myself up, brush myself off, and try to move forward. Eventually, I won't have to keep getting back up; eventually, I'll just stay up on my feet. Eventually the tears will stop flowing. But until then I guess it's just a process. A process of pain and pretending. So I'll keep moving forward, just pretending that I'm okay. Pretending there isn't a break in my heart. Pretending that moving on is the easy part.

"The truth is, that I miss lyin' in those arms of his. But I don't ever let it show. I laugh and I act like I'm having the time of my life. As far as he knows, it's easy goin' out on a Friday night. Easy, everytime I see him out I can smile, live it up, the way a single girl does. But, what he, what he don't know is how hard it is to make it look so, Easy." --lyrics Easy, by Rascal Flatts and Natasha Bedingfield

Maybe sooner or later I won't have to pretend anymore. Perhaps I can reach the point where it IS easy. But for now, I'll just keep pretending. And onward I go. Forward I go. Once again trying to paint that pretty picture with shards of hope and shattered dreams. Someday I'll have my masterpiece. One day I'll wake up and all the pain I've endured in my life will be nothing but a memory. This moment included. I look forward to the memories...if it will get me away from this place.

It's time to be forging ahead, trying to pick up the rest of the pieces in my life. All the other issues I have in addition to the heartbreak. There is so much more to worry about. So much more indeed. I've just got to try and shift my focus.

My heart, it aches. My heart, it breaks. I'll try to put a band-aid on it, and attempt walking it off. Time keeps moving forward, it waits for no one. And so forward I must go as well. I wouldn't want to miss out on "the meantime". My life is still waiting for me. So I'll paint on the smile for now, and walk on. Experiencing life in the meantime. Everything that happens between now and when I'm finally okay again.

Holding my breath, but trying not to forget breathing.

Just don't forget to breathe.

Is it a time bomb?

"'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love, I'm just falling to pieces. And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up. If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up, On love, On love. And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love, when all my resistance will never be distance enough." --lyrics Wreck Of The Day, by Anna Nalick

...If nothing has even happened yet, then why does it feel as though my heart is already breaking?

"I thought my heart had learned its lesson, it feels so good when you start out. My head is screaming get a grip, girl. Unless you're dying to cry your heart out." --lyrics I Won't Say (I'm In Love), from Disney's Hercules

Here I am, an absolutely jumbled mess of emotions which I just can't seem to sort through. Upset about things I've no right to be upset about, yet unable to stop the frustration from festering. And with this sinking feeling in my gut, I just can't seem to shake it. It's a gloomy place to be. Intuitively concerned, for although it's just a hunch...those gut feelings can often be quite accurate, as much as I hope that it's not.

"Somebody fix me. Fix me from head to toe. You'd better drop a line. Or else you're leaving me out in cold." --lyrics Somebody Fix Me, by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals

I've found myself caught in this tailspin, disoriented and confused; sort of wanting to get rid of this pesky "feelings" business. Heartache comes with no cure, no rhyme or reason, just an ache. The dull throbbing, and yet somehow also sharp (as contradictory as that seems), aching pain. The kind that generates from deep within.

Oh, that bloody heartache.

I've been listening to all this soulful music, thinking to myself "Sing it, sista friend" and realizing that the blues are connected to my soul and speaking to my heart at the moment. I've got the inexplicable, rough, and mysterious...downright un-explainable blues.

"It's hard to believe, it hurts to be in love. If you see the tears, fall from my eyes, you'll have to be in love, to know the reason why. The joy and the pain, that all of us feel, are part of the thing, that makes true love so real." --lyrics It Hurts To Be In Love, by Betty Everett

I'm so tired of these tears streaming down my face. But the more I try to analyze them, the more they continue to fall. I think when I try to stop the tears, instead they fall harder. I feel helpless.

"But then the light comes through the dark, and our questions fall apart. It's just the beating of our hearts and the still of the midnight air. And I get so overwhelmed, till it's hard to tell what I'm thinking. We get down, down, down. We feel sorry for ourselves. We get down, down, down. We all need somebody's help." --lyrics Overwhelmed, by Rachel Platten

I have all these uncontrollable emotions simply from the series of events, alone. Before you take into account these new twinges of doubt. See, when you start to add in the other things it's a little overwhelming. The distance is appearing to grow. The desire on one side seeming to fade? Could that be right? I can't hold this thing together on my own. Am I the only one that still wants it to be intact? This sense of doom hurts so much. I keep thinking that it's more than I can take, but I suppose there's really no such thing as more than I can take. We're never given more than we can handle. Just maybe more than we want to handle. We may feel as though it's more than we can bear; truth is we are capable of managing much more than we're aware.

"Everytime we kiss, you don't know how you steal a piece of my soul. You don't know how it feels to be the one who loves the most. How hard it is not to beg you to stay, then watch you go. Oh, you say it's all in my head, but to me it seems so real. No, you don't know how it feels. You might think you do, but you don't." --lyrics You Don't, by Sara Evans

This little voice in the back of my mind tells me that I need to walk away. But I don't want to. I'm scared to lose you. I'm scared to stay and get hurt. Walking away sounds harder in this moment. The vague urge to leave...I wonder if that's coming from somewhere stable, or just from fear. Where do I go from here? How long do you hang on? When do you know it's time to let go? I don't want to let go, but what if eventually I must? I hope with every fiber of my being that this is not what I worry it is. I suppose time will eventually answer all of my questions. Now it's just a waiting game...

And on that lovely note, I'm off to drown my sorrows in some more music before acquiring slumber.
Until next time, just don't forget to breathe.

Monstrosities running rampant!

Contemplations: that wise crack about the full moon, was it really a joke!? Maybe this whole full moon thing really does make people go crazy. For all I know I could be surrounded by werewolves. But in any case, the last few days have been completely nuts! It seems that just about ALL of the people in my life have been going berserk...perhaps including myself. The elderly folk have been delirious, my friends and coworkers have seemed to be on edge, my family appears to be going bonkers a bit, and all of the clients I'm dealing with have basically been batty. Makes for an interesting week, to say the least. But I can't honestly call it a good kind of interesting ;) lol. I just can't wait for the full moon to pass so things can return to normal! But then again, what is normal really? The moon may have nothing to do with it...but I'm gonna hope for my own sake that this will pass (soon). I do believe I'm coming up on my wits end; which means I'm probably running out of rope too, putting me in danger of plummeting down (down, down).

On the bright side: red velvet cake flavored ice cream, cookies, and smiles can almost turn it all around. Almost. If only for a moment.

I'm not sure of a lot these days, but here's what I am sure of:

1) Lunch breaks are NOT nearly long enough
2) I'm practically the cookie monster (pre-veggie stage)
3) Inside jokes make my life better
4) I'm pretty much just crazy about you
5) I like food entirely too much
6) I'm thankful for the people dear to me in my life (I know that I have great friends, and family)
And last but certainly not least...
7) I'm so beyond ready for the weekend to arrive. Day off? Yes please!!!

Too bad I only get one of those day off things. **sigh** Oh well, I'll survive. (On a side note, every time I say the phrase "I'll survive" I definitely start hearing that song I will survive by Gloria Gaynor start to play in my head. Which makes it a little easier to survive, ironically.)

My lunch break is ending and it's time to get my dreadful butt back to work, time to head back to the office. Even though I'd rather stay here, my bed is looking awfully cozy right about now.

So I guess that will be all for now.
Until next time, don't forget to breathe!!!