Discombobulation

I haven't really had much time to sit and blog lately, let alone even just sit and think. I don't even know where to begin. Couldn't tell you what I'm thinking if I tried. My mind is racing, yet there are no traces of focused thought to be found. I don't know where I am, or where I'm going. I'm not entirely sure how I got here. Just, somehow...I ended up in this lonely field of dark bewilderment. Lost and confused; disoriented.

I was done. Just done. Sick of trying. Sick of failing. Sick of the whole game. Content with my solitude. Now I'm not so sure...

Hesitation has been my companion in the past few weeks. I'm scared. Terrified. Scared to move forward. Scared to move backward. Scared to try, yet again. Scared to not try. Scared to put my heart and soul, to put MYSELF on the line. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is a good idea in theory, but when actually executed the theory turns into a great potential for pain. But then there's that whole, you never know unless you try, thing. And who wants to live with regret of not trying?

"How many times can I break 'till I shatter? Over the line, can't define what I'm after." --lyrics, Shattered by O.A.R.

So my defense mechanism of choice, became hesitation. Isolation. I kept trying to hide myself. Hide my heart. Bottle my emotions up, and lock them safe on a shelf in a jar...where they can do no damage. No damage to me, no damage to anyone else. No harm, no foul. The trouble is, I can't seem to pull it off. I don't mean to let people in; for the most part I don't let people in, at all. But every once in a while, someone manages to traverse my defenses and leave me feeling discombobulated.

And here I am. How did I get here? Suddenly I find myself beyond that point of intrigued. My heart all a flutter. Wondering what could become of this; where this thing could go. Contemplating the time old question: What if? Here I am, hurdling my own defenses. Now I'm outside of the ivory tower. Outside my own emotional wall perimeters. And for what? How did I get here? When did I jump? Plunging, on my own, into the center of that bewildering field. That "no ends to be seen on the horizon" lonely field. Cold and defenseless. Feeling vulnerable. Emotionally exposed. And now that same fear which had somehow magically melted away (I suppose, with all those warm moments), yeah, it's starting to sink in again. I'm left sitting here, a bit anxious and distraught. Dreading the conclusions, too afraid to find out what's going to happen. But too anxious to wait for the answers, and almost needing to know now. Torn. Contradicting myself. Yep, here I am.

At least I have plenty of distractions to ease the worry as I wait. Perhaps I'll start looking for a way back inside my emotional barricades...could be soothing to lock myself up again. In the mean time, life goes on. Here's to taking it one day at a time! :) Onward, ever onward. Life is forever moving on. Ready or not, here I come!

And until next time, don't forget to breathe!

My cruel temptress, isolation...?

Why is it that I always feel the need to write something when I should be sleeping? Maybe it's the sleep deprivation that inspires me? Or maybe that's why all my posts are complete rubbish! lol In any case, I felt the urge to write something, so here I sit, and here I shall write (or rather, type)...fingers, away!

So, lately I've been feeling all sorts of torn and confused. I rather dislike this state of mind/emotion. I don't like feeling...lost. What do I do? What am I doing? What does this mean? Where do I go from here? All of that. Yeah. It's not okay. I hope I sort through this soon, but I probably won't.

"Have you lost your way? Living in the shadow of the messes that you made?" --Lyrics from the song Aftermath by Adam Lambert

I've spent a lot of time building up walls around my heart; around my soul. Hoping frantically that if I lock people out, I'll be able to lock the opportunity of heartache out as well. Instead all it does is keep me trapped. That's not exactly what I was going for...

"I've spent my whole life building up this ivory tower. And now that I'm in it, I keep wishing it would fall." --Lyrics from the song I want to Live by Josh Gracin

See now, I've gotten really good at remaining emotionally detached. Building up these boundaries that I don't cross. Not letting people into my realm, at least not completely. By keeping them at a safe distance, I am somehow trying to keep my chances of pain at a safe distance, too. This way, if I get "hurt" I'm more just annoyed/irritated than actually hurt. I can deal with irritation a lot better than devastation. Better than...broken. But what happens when I'm already emotionally invested, and it's too late for my walls to protect me? That's when the temptation to bolt starts coming in...and I am left wondering if I should keep resisting the urge to run, or if I should just give in?? If I try, I could break. If I run, I could break. Why am I suddenly so fragile? The world always tries to tell me that I'm strong, and I've never agreed. Is this my proof that I must be weak? Somehow I don't think that's right either.

Here I am. Completely scared. Feeling a little lost and confused. Not quite sure where I'm going, or what I'm scared of. Or even if there IS anything to be scared of. Not entirely sure what is happening, but knowing that I'm suddenly little more than a leaf fluttering in the Autumn wind. Just another girl, at the mercy of fate. Waiting to see where my destiny lies. Waiting to see where my life leads me. Hoping that I can learn to follow the ques the way that I should. Victim only to myself, it seems. Or is there more to it than that? Seeing as how, things are never so simple, I'm sure that there must be more to it than that.

I sure wish I knew what it was that my heart was trying to tell me, because I'm afraid I just don't speak the language of blood pumping organs. Tragic, I know. I'd be better off deciphering gibberish.

"You say you have to leave, And put your heart on a shelf. What taught you that you've gotta run? What inspires this fear? When you start to feel something real, You always disappear." --Lyrics from the song Disappear by Stephen Speaks
(I think this one may be about me, just a tad bit. Sometimes. Just sayin'...or else I just have a lot in common with this girl lol)

Okay, I think that's enough ranting for now. Time to rest these little fingers, and hopefully this little mind as well. I really need some sleep. Try to ward of this lingering sickness that's hanging over my head, I hear sleep helps with that sort of thing ;)

Until next time, just don't forget to breathe. And I'll try to keep that one up myself.

Where's your water wings, biotch?!?

I wonder, is it possible to be standing at a crossroads without knowing what the roads are? Here I stand, err...sit...with several decisions before me. All of them very different, and having nothing to do with each other, yet somehow mysteriously linked.

Can't wait to see where this life of mine takes me. Anywhere but here, I'm ready to move forward now. Frustrated without frustration. Not that this comment makes any bit of sense in the slightest.

Basically, I have no idea where I'm standing, and no idea where I'm going...but ready to go. I don't even know what this means, I just know that this is.

Sometimes it's so hard to express myself, who I am, what I think, what I feel. Yeah...especially that last one. I think I have the hardest time expressing what I feel. Feelings somehow have a way of eluding my grasp in words.

Blast those fickle emotions.

This crazy little thing called life sure is an interesting experience. Onward, forward, forever moving on. Some of those moments you just want to pause and hold on to forever, others you just want to fast forward through and skip to the next. The harsh reality is that we can't do either.

All we can do is live. All we can do is exist. Just float. I may need to invest in some water wings. Now if only I could figure out what the equivalent of those are in life! haha

Until next time, don't forget to breath.

Runnin on empty

Running, running, running...out of steam? At the rate I'm going here (in overdrive), I'm bound to burn out soon. But the real question is how long will I be able to keep this up for, a real good question indeed. At least when I'm so blasted busy, I don't have time to be depressed, right? I certainly don't have time to dwell or focus on my life's problems. Doesn't make them go away, but at least I'm too distracted to notice much. 3 jobs...I got this. However, I want to take a couple of days off before this summer is over. There are a couple of things, that I absolutely want to do this season. #1 spend a day at the zoo. I absolutely want to do this asap! I need to take a day off, and find somebody willing to go and do this with me. #2 spend a day at Lagoon. I haven't been in a while, and I feel like I'm ready for another Lagoon day. But when? When am I going to squeeze this in? And who am I going to go with? Hmmm....oh well. I'll figure it out soon, I hope.

I am exhausted, and full of energy at the same time. I'm not sure exactly how that works. But hey, if anybody can pull off the walking contradiction thing, it's me. Can has nap? Oh wait, no I can't. I have another job to go to after this one today. Then girl's night after that. Running, running, running...out of steam. Yup, that's me. Living life on the run for a while here. Maybe I'll develop mad 007 driving skillz. That'd be pretty nifty. Vroom vroom. That's one way to save time, eh? haha

So here I sit at work, probably shouldn't be blogging, but blogging I am. No deep, life revelation thoughts. Just...nothing? I don't know how to describe that feeling of nothing on my mind. It's almost a restless feeling, because it's not fully a nothing kind of nothing. It's more like a "I can't figure out what it is" kind of nothing. There's something there, I'm just not quite sure what. I hate that. Maybe this black dye seeped through my scalp, and into my skull, contaminating my brain? That's it! It's because my hair is black now. Next my thoughts. Then my soul. Dun dun dun...blackest black, blacker than the night...or something like that. Or you know, maybe not. Maybe it's nothing like that at all. **shrug**

Pandora radio take me away. I've only got 2 1/2 hrs left...then off to the next one. That's not bad. I can do this. And the new system at work seems to be up and working. Bugs are hopefully all worked out now. Here's to a smooth rest of the shift. Until next time, don't forget to breath.

Confessions of an admitted emotion bottler...aka me

Probably the worst feature about being an emotion bottler, is that moment of discovery when you realize that you aren't actually "over it" on something that you had told yourself you were done with.

I honestly did think that I was past it. That I was over it. That I didn't care anymore. Turns out that I was wrong. It's funny how quickly the tides can change, not funny ha ha but funny peculiar. Actually, funny is the wrong word because any implication of funny ha ha would be very misleading. It's not funny at all. It's rather unfortunate.

Moments in life can bring such clarity to a briefly lost desire. And it's amazing how such clarity, can be so disconcerting. Superman has a fortress of solitude, perhaps that's what I need too. The only problem with that plan is that solitude leaves more opportunity for dwelling within this confusion.

"I got another night to get through, the only thing missing is you." --Lyrics, Only Thing Missing by Shannon Noll

I suppose it makes sense though, it's kind of difficult to work through a feeling if you're too busy repressing it. Probably not the best course of action for moving on. 'Aye aye cap'n...man the portcullis! They'll never be able to infiltrate our defenses sir!' But that kind of strategy also leaves a heart stagnant instead of just protected. Yet, even as I speak...write...these words, and acknowledge the truth in them, I can still feel myself adding another layer of brick onto the good ol' fortress of solitude here. Keep on hiding inside this tower of denial, that will work. Yeah, that will work real good.

Keep on pressing "forward". Just keep on filling the spaces of time with something. Anything. Work a few more shifts, a few more days. Keep busy when the work isn't there. If you're drowning in your own life you won't feel the sting of that thing you aren't over yet. I wonder if that was some sort of a subconscious factor in my current schedule. Did I do this to keep from feeling this way again? If I did, the plan must not have been constructed too well. I have rediscovered the buried feeling, despite the lack of free time. I do feel like I might burn out soon, from being so busy...but soon will probably be a while away still. I'm too stubborn to give it up just yet. 3 jobs, no problem. I guess I should probably be more realistic, it's technically only 2 1/2 jobs. Big difference, right? lol

Trying to maintain a healthy social life along with the intense work schedule is a bit draining. But again, I can't help beginning to wonder if this was something that I subconsciously did to myself on purpose. I said that I wasn't planning this, that it just sort of happened. What if deep down, part of me did plan it? Is this another defense mechanism? Another brick in the wall guarding my heart and soul? Another way for me to hide deeper within myself? Perhaps it is. Or perhaps it's just coincidence.

Either way, I have some more self discoveries to make. Some things to learn about yours truly. I'm even a mystery to me...so the question is: the mysterious woman thing, attractive or obnoxious? Doesn't matter, here I am.

You know how they say drowsy driving is as dangerous as drunk driving? I'm thinking that drowsy ranting is also as dangerous as drunken rantings. Oh well, it is what it is.

On that note, good night blogger. Good night world. And good night mysterious me.

At a loss for eloquence...

Sometimes I find it very easy to express myself through words. They just flow through me and all of a sudden they're there. Sometimes it just happens. Other times, it's not quite so easy to express myself eloquently. Because sometimes, I don't even know what I'm thinking, really. The thoughts are there, but I'm unable to describe them. Those are the moments when somebody asks me "What are you thinking?" and I don't have an answer. In those moments, when I'm at a loss for eloquence, I usually just say "I don't know" or "Nothing". The person asking usually thinks that I'm lying or that I don't want to talk about it. Well, on occasion it may be that I don't want to talk about it, but generally those answers simply mean that I have no idea how to express what is there. I hate that feeling. But maybe that's only because I'm spoiled in a way. I'm just used to being able to bend words in the way that I mean; accustomed to being able to make my thoughts sound just the way they seem to inside my head. And so when I can't, it gets very frustrating to me.

I'm not really sure why I decided to mention any of that, but it's the first thing that came to my mind when I opened this screen to type. It was the first thing to flow through my finger tips, so there it is. And it is, what it is.

[Insert witty segue here] I think I'm really getting close to that letting go place. I mean, part of me will always love him. But, I may be able to form that love into something more platonic. I am forever changed for knowing him, and for loving him. I think that I needed to have this experience to learn some things about myself. Now for moving on, life can't go anywhere but forward. There is no rewind button. Can't go back. Can't change...things. And that's okay.

Also, I believe that I've had an epiphany, of sorts. All of this lost love feeling has made me realize something. I will not settle. I want the real deal. I want to be swept off my feet, and find somebody who loves me as much as I do them. I want somebody who's going to want me the same way. No more emotionally unavailable, nonchalant nonsense. Sure, I'm still down for the casual dates here and there, but I'm not going to invest anything of myself where there is no mutual investment. Because I'm done standing around letting life happen to me.

Having experienced what it feels like to truly believe another person cares for you and your well being without a doubt, I will never accept less than that again. I want somebody who's willing to put things aside to take care of something more important. Somebody who can tell the difference between just another bad day and being truly upset. Somebody who's willing to drop what they're doing to be there for me when I need it. Most of my past dating experiences have been rather empty. This one, as painful as it has been to let it end (like I must) taught me a valuable lesson. I deserve somebody who is going to put forth equal effort. He taught me a little bit about how it should be, and I don't think that he even knew he was teaching me anything. He was just being himself. For all the reasons that we can not be together, there were so many good qualities between us, which I will never forget.

A relationship can not be held up by one person. And while I knew this all along, I had a tendency to be too lenient with how emotionally supportive a potential guy proved himself to be. Just because I'm strong and can deal with things myself, doesn't mean that I should have to. I'm not saying that on our first date a brand new guy has to be able to read me like an open book or help me forget my cares. That's unreasonable. It will never magically happen that fast. But, if there aren't signs of somebody who's going to try to understand me and what I'm feeling, then what's the point? Sure we can hang out and have fun, but we'll know it's not really going anywhere.

"Somewhere waiting for me, there is someone I'm longing to see, someone I simply can't help but adore, someone who'll thrill me forever. Someday my prince will come, someday I will find the one, though he's far away, he'll find my love someday, someday when my dreams come true." --Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Someday I'll find that one person, whom I can talk to about anything. That will never scrutinize me. Somebody that I can open up to fully, truly, and completely...and never feel judged. That person who will take the time to figure out why I'm acting off, even when I think I'm putting on a good show and think that nobody can tell I'm upset. My other half. He doesn't necessarily have to drive miles and miles in the middle of the night simply to hold my hand because I sound distressed on the phone...but that is the type of gesture that I'm talking about. I want somebody who is not only going to be like that in the beginning, but forever and for always.

No longer can I say, "I'm a heart battered and bruised, not yet broken." For I've had a bit of that standard thing called heart break. Aching of the heart is never pleasant, but I know that I'll be a stronger person because of it. It will heal, and I'll be able to patch it up and move on. One day, perhaps, I'll find somebody who will accept my damaged goods, without seeing any damage at all. And if that day never comes, I'll stand strong still. I can handle whatever time throws my way. There's no use in fretting about things that are out of our control. But now I know that I will not accept anything less than real. If a man can't take my hand and by my side, face the turmoils that may come, then he is not the man for me. I want a partner in life and in everything. Who will take on the world with me, hand in hand, together. And until I find that man, I'll attempt to navigate my way through the complicated land of dating.

Restless rantings/let time do all the talking

I thought that I was tired, and yet here I sit, unable to sleep. As I attempt to attain slumber, thoughts run recklessly through my head. What is it that has my mind racing, you might ask? Well that's a good question. I couldn't tell you if I tried. Too much going through my mind, but nothing solid enough that I can pinpoint or explain. I suppose I shall use this stolen moment of the night to blog, briefly. If I'm lucky, it will help to alleviate the unrelenting stomping of the hooves (as my mind is like a racetrack complete with horses galloping around, the horses being my thoughts).

This should be interesting, since I have no idea what it is that I'm going to blog about. Generally, you at least have a starting point in mind before you begin putting words to the screen. A basic idea of where you are going to be taking those words. Some sort of signal that recording them is a better idea than staying silent. But I'm a rebel. Who needs to know where you're going to end up anyway? It'll be more like an adventure this way. Let the shared meditation, or whatever you want to call it, begin!

Well, in regards to my last post: yes, I am upset and/or frustrated. While it is a difficult thing, and I'll probably be dealing with it for a while, I'm not lost in a land of depression or anything. I still smile most every day. I'm still laughing, and enjoying things. My life is still moving forward. Even when it hits me hard, it can't keep me down for every moment of every day. There's always going to be something there to make me smile, even when I don't want to smile anymore. And anyone who knows me, knows that you can't keep laughter from my grips. One of my greatest attributes is possibly my ability to laugh. Although it may very well also be one of my greatest faults, because if it's possible to laugh too much I would be the definition of that possibility. (I may find myself randomly bursting into tears from time to time, but that's only going to last for so long) When I lose the ability to smile or laugh for longer than a few days, that's when you can begin to worry about me. Until then, don't mind me, I'm just fine.

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." --Author Unknown

And who knows, maybe one day he and I will find ourselves in the same place. Maybe one day we'll get the timing right, and end up together again. Perhaps that dream of mine, hand in hand trying again, is a premonition of sorts. I won't hold my breath for that possibility, but it's a nice thought just the same. Even if it isn't probable. What is it that they always say? Something about, if you love something you have to let it go. Well, that's exactly what I did. So fly free. Find what you need. Be who you're supposed to be. Live, and enjoy your life. That's how it should be. Go and discover yourself. I still felt...feel...the way that I do, and nothing can take that away.

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."

Well, if it never comes around again, I know I'll be alright. Sooner or later something else will come along. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't give it another try if it did show up some day, assuming I was in a place in my life to let it happen again. Only time will tell, but that's always the case in life. Time is the only thing that can truly answer anything. Time and God. Heavenly Father also knows what is in store. Even if he lets time do all the talking. I guess everything is all about the when. What is happening when opportunity knocks. Or something along those lines.