Monstrosities running rampant!

Contemplations: that wise crack about the full moon, was it really a joke!? Maybe this whole full moon thing really does make people go crazy. For all I know I could be surrounded by werewolves. But in any case, the last few days have been completely nuts! It seems that just about ALL of the people in my life have been going berserk...perhaps including myself. The elderly folk have been delirious, my friends and coworkers have seemed to be on edge, my family appears to be going bonkers a bit, and all of the clients I'm dealing with have basically been batty. Makes for an interesting week, to say the least. But I can't honestly call it a good kind of interesting ;) lol. I just can't wait for the full moon to pass so things can return to normal! But then again, what is normal really? The moon may have nothing to do with it...but I'm gonna hope for my own sake that this will pass (soon). I do believe I'm coming up on my wits end; which means I'm probably running out of rope too, putting me in danger of plummeting down (down, down).

On the bright side: red velvet cake flavored ice cream, cookies, and smiles can almost turn it all around. Almost. If only for a moment.

I'm not sure of a lot these days, but here's what I am sure of:

1) Lunch breaks are NOT nearly long enough
2) I'm practically the cookie monster (pre-veggie stage)
3) Inside jokes make my life better
4) I'm pretty much just crazy about you
5) I like food entirely too much
6) I'm thankful for the people dear to me in my life (I know that I have great friends, and family)
And last but certainly not least...
7) I'm so beyond ready for the weekend to arrive. Day off? Yes please!!!

Too bad I only get one of those day off things. **sigh** Oh well, I'll survive. (On a side note, every time I say the phrase "I'll survive" I definitely start hearing that song I will survive by Gloria Gaynor start to play in my head. Which makes it a little easier to survive, ironically.)

My lunch break is ending and it's time to get my dreadful butt back to work, time to head back to the office. Even though I'd rather stay here, my bed is looking awfully cozy right about now.

So I guess that will be all for now.
Until next time, don't forget to breathe!!!

The broken shell; the torn girl.

"I remember someone old once said to me: 'That lies will lock you up with truth the only key.' But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell, and couldn't see this place would soon become my hell." --lyrics The Special Two, by Missy Higgins

How did I end up here? I'm still not sure. I don't remember coming or going, and the path seems far from where I stand. It's been a rather mystifying turn of events. I never would have imagined that things would/could turn out in that way, and that order. Somehow, it happened. And here I am. Trying to figure out what to do. Trying to figure out how I feel. And not knowing either one.

"I don't know what I've done. Or if I like what I've begun." --lyrics Where I Stood, by Missy Higgins

"Everything's changin' out of what I know, everywhere I go, I'm a mobile, I'm a mobile. Hangin' from the ceilin', life's a mobile, spinnin' 'round with mixed feelings, crazy and wild. Sometimes, I wanna scream out loud." --lyrics Mobile, by Avril Lavigne

I've been pondering for days, to no end and no conclusion. I still can't seem to muddle through this mess of emotions that exploded within me. I don't know what I think, or what I feel, or what I'm doing. I can't sort myself out. I can't see the big picture anymore. I'm irrevocably lost within myself. All these feelings whipping past me. I can't seem to solidly grab hold of anything anymore. Or at least not right now.

"Why do I rush to slow down? Why do I rush to slow down everything? Will the dice ever roll? When will I ever know? Will the plot ever twist, or will I still resist? I've been playing the part of a lost realist." --lyrics Lost Realist, by Trapt

It's hard to say what will happen next. I didn't expect the happenings that have already occurred to happen, so I guess anything goes at this point. From moment to moment there's just no saying what the possibilities are. But I suppose that's part of the beauty of life, the unpredictable. There's something so satisfying and yet simultaneously frustrating about the uncertainty of time. Lady fate is a devious being. Nobody knows where their own destiny truly lies.

"See I thought love was black and white. That it was wrong or it was right." --lyrics Where I Stood, by Missy Higgins

I don't know exactly how I feel about everything. I don't know how to describe this jumbled mess that I've become. I don't know what I want, or where I'm going anymore. I don't know a lot, but I do know that love is a relentless thing. And of all the things I don't know, I do know that I'm in love. Not quite sure how I ended up there either. Unexpected turn of events in this past short little while. Falling head over heels, is that a problem or a blessing?

"Don't know if this will last. Or if our time will come to pass. I'm not concerned with things like where or when. Don't know if it be wise to call that love there in your eyes. I just know it's good to feel this way again." --lyrics Wise, by Shannon Noll

I'm not sure of much these past few days. But sooner or later I'll be sure again. Sooner or later I'll get control of myself again. The world, the feelings, the confuzzlement, it will all come back into focus and be less confuzzling. Blasted discombobulation. I'm bound to regain my composure, right? Or will this disorientation last a lifetime? Heaven please bless that it isn't a permanent effect. I'm already getting dizzy.

"When you're young you have this image of your life: That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife. You make boundaries you'd never dream to cross, and if you happen to you wake completely lost." --lyrics The Special Two, by Missy Higgins

'Round and 'round we go...the ride is ever running, ever turning. The craziest joy ride ever; life. Grab on, buckle up, hang tight, and see what's around the next bend. Ready or not, here I come. Well, I'm not sure if IT'S ready or not, but I know I'M not. Yet, here I go anyway. I just can't forget to breathe, please don't forget to breathe.

Confessions of the flustered heart

Mis-communication. Concern. Worry. Apprehension. These things just happen, right? How can you know if it's a signal of something more? Some deeper rooted problem, or if it really is just that...a mis-communication? Frustration is a result of this situation. Here I am, frustrated. Confused, yet again. Lonely and upset.

Being an open book is NEVER an easy feat for me, I can't even accomplish that with myself. That's right, the girl can't even read herself. I honestly don't understand the majority of my own feelings. Half the time I don't even know WHAT I am feeling. I know something is there, but what? Yeah, no access to that information. I think I need an updated security clearance card, or something. Trying to explain what's going on inside of my own head, most of the time, is a nearly impossible task. Presently...or at least lately, I've been earnestly trying (adamantly) to be more expressive, because it seemed (seems) important; seemed (seems) worth it. That strong adoration motivating me through this difficult task. So how is it that I now must always openly express my thoughts and feelings, my mind, or I'm being difficult? Somebody can totally shut themselves off, and repeatedly avoid discussions of their own deepest thoughts/fears/concerns, but the moment I do something even remotely similar I'm being unfair. Well, don't wonder why I can't understand what's going on, when it seems as if I'm not allowed to discuss my concerns about the situation. Perhaps I should I just let my worry and fret fester on the inside instead. Somehow that plan seems skewed as well.

"Cap'n! More frustration coming in! Off the starboard side!" "Somebody, MAN THE PORTCULLIS!!!"

And so, here I'm left wondering what to do. Why can't there be a clear course of action? I find myself torn. I just want to get in my car, and drive straight there, to the source of distress. I also just want to curl up into a ball and go to sleep...but that could just be the lack of sleep talking on that one. My spidey senses are tingling, I only wish that I knew what they were trying to tell me. I swear they speak a different language, I wonder if I could get a refund...or perhaps exchange them for a different, and easier to use version, because mine seem to cause me more turbulence than smooth sailing. Pretty sure that's not the point of the warning they intend to offer...stupid spidey senses.

I hate it when I know what I want to say, and I know what I think I mean, yet I can't seem to accurately and eloquently express it. Everything seems to come out jumbled. I never wanted to cause any grief, yet somehow have managed to do exactly that. Once again, I managed to botch things up. Smooth, really smooth. Perceiving the hint of a problem sometimes turns into a bigger problem. I guess trying to avoid some things is inevitable. Funny (not funny ha-ha) how quickly the mood of a bond can change. Going from counting down the seconds until that next moment, to wondering if there even IS going to be a next moment.

As little as a day ago, I was consumed with a fluttering heart beat, giddiness, and basically just all around twitter-pation. For lack of a better word, passion. Today, all these symptoms remain, but apprehension (and nearly guilt) suddenly are interfering with the manifestation of them. I'm craving that untamed, non-blemished, non-corrupted passionate sensation. That feeling of desperately wanting. And that's how I feel...whether I like it or not. I can't ignore it. I am twitter-pated. Smitten. Let's face it, I'm enamored with you and your charms. Damn it. Love certainly is a fickle thing. And here's one of those million dollar questions: why can't affection just be simple??

And I leave you to mull that over, as I momentarily continue to delve through my own search of answers in this personal sea of melancholy.

Just don't forget to breathe.

Discombobulation

I haven't really had much time to sit and blog lately, let alone even just sit and think. I don't even know where to begin. Couldn't tell you what I'm thinking if I tried. My mind is racing, yet there are no traces of focused thought to be found. I don't know where I am, or where I'm going. I'm not entirely sure how I got here. Just, somehow...I ended up in this lonely field of dark bewilderment. Lost and confused; disoriented.

I was done. Just done. Sick of trying. Sick of failing. Sick of the whole game. Content with my solitude. Now I'm not so sure...

Hesitation has been my companion in the past few weeks. I'm scared. Terrified. Scared to move forward. Scared to move backward. Scared to try, yet again. Scared to not try. Scared to put my heart and soul, to put MYSELF on the line. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is a good idea in theory, but when actually executed the theory turns into a great potential for pain. But then there's that whole, you never know unless you try, thing. And who wants to live with regret of not trying?

"How many times can I break 'till I shatter? Over the line, can't define what I'm after." --lyrics, Shattered by O.A.R.

So my defense mechanism of choice, became hesitation. Isolation. I kept trying to hide myself. Hide my heart. Bottle my emotions up, and lock them safe on a shelf in a jar...where they can do no damage. No damage to me, no damage to anyone else. No harm, no foul. The trouble is, I can't seem to pull it off. I don't mean to let people in; for the most part I don't let people in, at all. But every once in a while, someone manages to traverse my defenses and leave me feeling discombobulated.

And here I am. How did I get here? Suddenly I find myself beyond that point of intrigued. My heart all a flutter. Wondering what could become of this; where this thing could go. Contemplating the time old question: What if? Here I am, hurdling my own defenses. Now I'm outside of the ivory tower. Outside my own emotional wall perimeters. And for what? How did I get here? When did I jump? Plunging, on my own, into the center of that bewildering field. That "no ends to be seen on the horizon" lonely field. Cold and defenseless. Feeling vulnerable. Emotionally exposed. And now that same fear which had somehow magically melted away (I suppose, with all those warm moments), yeah, it's starting to sink in again. I'm left sitting here, a bit anxious and distraught. Dreading the conclusions, too afraid to find out what's going to happen. But too anxious to wait for the answers, and almost needing to know now. Torn. Contradicting myself. Yep, here I am.

At least I have plenty of distractions to ease the worry as I wait. Perhaps I'll start looking for a way back inside my emotional barricades...could be soothing to lock myself up again. In the mean time, life goes on. Here's to taking it one day at a time! :) Onward, ever onward. Life is forever moving on. Ready or not, here I come!

And until next time, don't forget to breathe!

My cruel temptress, isolation...?

Why is it that I always feel the need to write something when I should be sleeping? Maybe it's the sleep deprivation that inspires me? Or maybe that's why all my posts are complete rubbish! lol In any case, I felt the urge to write something, so here I sit, and here I shall write (or rather, type)...fingers, away!

So, lately I've been feeling all sorts of torn and confused. I rather dislike this state of mind/emotion. I don't like feeling...lost. What do I do? What am I doing? What does this mean? Where do I go from here? All of that. Yeah. It's not okay. I hope I sort through this soon, but I probably won't.

"Have you lost your way? Living in the shadow of the messes that you made?" --Lyrics from the song Aftermath by Adam Lambert

I've spent a lot of time building up walls around my heart; around my soul. Hoping frantically that if I lock people out, I'll be able to lock the opportunity of heartache out as well. Instead all it does is keep me trapped. That's not exactly what I was going for...

"I've spent my whole life building up this ivory tower. And now that I'm in it, I keep wishing it would fall." --Lyrics from the song I want to Live by Josh Gracin

See now, I've gotten really good at remaining emotionally detached. Building up these boundaries that I don't cross. Not letting people into my realm, at least not completely. By keeping them at a safe distance, I am somehow trying to keep my chances of pain at a safe distance, too. This way, if I get "hurt" I'm more just annoyed/irritated than actually hurt. I can deal with irritation a lot better than devastation. Better than...broken. But what happens when I'm already emotionally invested, and it's too late for my walls to protect me? That's when the temptation to bolt starts coming in...and I am left wondering if I should keep resisting the urge to run, or if I should just give in?? If I try, I could break. If I run, I could break. Why am I suddenly so fragile? The world always tries to tell me that I'm strong, and I've never agreed. Is this my proof that I must be weak? Somehow I don't think that's right either.

Here I am. Completely scared. Feeling a little lost and confused. Not quite sure where I'm going, or what I'm scared of. Or even if there IS anything to be scared of. Not entirely sure what is happening, but knowing that I'm suddenly little more than a leaf fluttering in the Autumn wind. Just another girl, at the mercy of fate. Waiting to see where my destiny lies. Waiting to see where my life leads me. Hoping that I can learn to follow the ques the way that I should. Victim only to myself, it seems. Or is there more to it than that? Seeing as how, things are never so simple, I'm sure that there must be more to it than that.

I sure wish I knew what it was that my heart was trying to tell me, because I'm afraid I just don't speak the language of blood pumping organs. Tragic, I know. I'd be better off deciphering gibberish.

"You say you have to leave, And put your heart on a shelf. What taught you that you've gotta run? What inspires this fear? When you start to feel something real, You always disappear." --Lyrics from the song Disappear by Stephen Speaks
(I think this one may be about me, just a tad bit. Sometimes. Just sayin'...or else I just have a lot in common with this girl lol)

Okay, I think that's enough ranting for now. Time to rest these little fingers, and hopefully this little mind as well. I really need some sleep. Try to ward of this lingering sickness that's hanging over my head, I hear sleep helps with that sort of thing ;)

Until next time, just don't forget to breathe. And I'll try to keep that one up myself.

Where's your water wings, biotch?!?

I wonder, is it possible to be standing at a crossroads without knowing what the roads are? Here I stand, err...sit...with several decisions before me. All of them very different, and having nothing to do with each other, yet somehow mysteriously linked.

Can't wait to see where this life of mine takes me. Anywhere but here, I'm ready to move forward now. Frustrated without frustration. Not that this comment makes any bit of sense in the slightest.

Basically, I have no idea where I'm standing, and no idea where I'm going...but ready to go. I don't even know what this means, I just know that this is.

Sometimes it's so hard to express myself, who I am, what I think, what I feel. Yeah...especially that last one. I think I have the hardest time expressing what I feel. Feelings somehow have a way of eluding my grasp in words.

Blast those fickle emotions.

This crazy little thing called life sure is an interesting experience. Onward, forward, forever moving on. Some of those moments you just want to pause and hold on to forever, others you just want to fast forward through and skip to the next. The harsh reality is that we can't do either.

All we can do is live. All we can do is exist. Just float. I may need to invest in some water wings. Now if only I could figure out what the equivalent of those are in life! haha

Until next time, don't forget to breath.

Runnin on empty

Running, running, running...out of steam? At the rate I'm going here (in overdrive), I'm bound to burn out soon. But the real question is how long will I be able to keep this up for, a real good question indeed. At least when I'm so blasted busy, I don't have time to be depressed, right? I certainly don't have time to dwell or focus on my life's problems. Doesn't make them go away, but at least I'm too distracted to notice much. 3 jobs...I got this. However, I want to take a couple of days off before this summer is over. There are a couple of things, that I absolutely want to do this season. #1 spend a day at the zoo. I absolutely want to do this asap! I need to take a day off, and find somebody willing to go and do this with me. #2 spend a day at Lagoon. I haven't been in a while, and I feel like I'm ready for another Lagoon day. But when? When am I going to squeeze this in? And who am I going to go with? Hmmm....oh well. I'll figure it out soon, I hope.

I am exhausted, and full of energy at the same time. I'm not sure exactly how that works. But hey, if anybody can pull off the walking contradiction thing, it's me. Can has nap? Oh wait, no I can't. I have another job to go to after this one today. Then girl's night after that. Running, running, running...out of steam. Yup, that's me. Living life on the run for a while here. Maybe I'll develop mad 007 driving skillz. That'd be pretty nifty. Vroom vroom. That's one way to save time, eh? haha

So here I sit at work, probably shouldn't be blogging, but blogging I am. No deep, life revelation thoughts. Just...nothing? I don't know how to describe that feeling of nothing on my mind. It's almost a restless feeling, because it's not fully a nothing kind of nothing. It's more like a "I can't figure out what it is" kind of nothing. There's something there, I'm just not quite sure what. I hate that. Maybe this black dye seeped through my scalp, and into my skull, contaminating my brain? That's it! It's because my hair is black now. Next my thoughts. Then my soul. Dun dun dun...blackest black, blacker than the night...or something like that. Or you know, maybe not. Maybe it's nothing like that at all. **shrug**

Pandora radio take me away. I've only got 2 1/2 hrs left...then off to the next one. That's not bad. I can do this. And the new system at work seems to be up and working. Bugs are hopefully all worked out now. Here's to a smooth rest of the shift. Until next time, don't forget to breath.