My head is a dandelion, don't let the kids pop it off!

Sitting here, sicker than a dog. Watching the drunks. Pondering life. Trying to forget the day I had. Pretending that my head isn't going to pop off. And wondering what...to do? Wondering what I think? I'm not really sure what I'm wondering, I just know that I'm wondering. I definitely feel like garbage. But I'm definitely excited about the changes that are coming up in my life. For the first time in a long time I'm excited to see what's next. I'm mostly happy to be where I am.

Forever moving forward. Forever moving on. And this time when I say that, it's not with regret. No bitterness. No pretending, or trying to convince myself. Onward I go.

I'm on a big adventure. I'm sad for a few lost moments, and vaguely longing for their return. But ready for the new ones to come. Ready for the next chapter to start, whatever that chapter is.

Ready to be me. And also ready to be un-sick. Wondering how I'm going to survive the morning, and hoping I manage to catch some Z's tonight...that one might be a bit of a challenge. But if anyone can do it, it's probably me.

On that note, don't forget to breathe. Until next time!

Crying over spilled milk

Moving on seems so impossible. How do you move on when letting go is the hardest part? I don't want to move. I know that I should let go, but I can't bring myself to want that. I don't want to think anymore. I shouldn't be allowed to be alone with my own thoughts sometimes, I probably 'ought to have a chaperon. These thoughts are all but killing me. Sometimes I think I may be my own worst enemy.

Arch nemesis = me.

"How long's it gonna take before you see that she's no me? Oh, no." --lyrics Every Time You Lie, by Demi Lovato

Falling in love: well, I know better than to fall, yet here I am sitting on the ground.

There's a reason that I avoid emotional attachment, and this is why. Whenever I get too close it just hurts. Like a moth to the flame, but I get too close and burn. I think my heart has caught fire and is slowly burning; I feel as though I'm burning to ash. Why can't I seem to let this go?

"It's too much pain to have to bear, to love a man you have to share." --lyrics Stay, by Sugarland

Even when you're just sharing him with a memory...it feels as though your world is crumbling down around you.

"And I'll be begging you, baby, beg you not to leave. But I'll be left here waiting, with my heart on my sleeve. Oh, for the next time we'll be here, seems like a million years. And I think I'm dying. What do I have to do to make you see, she can't love you like me?" --lyrics Stay, by Sugarland

So here I'm left. All alone. Alone with myself, with my thoughts, with my arch nemesis. Missing him. Missing us. Missing the nonsensical conversations. Missing his arms around me. Missing the sound of his heartbeat, with my head on his chest. Missing his face. Missing his presence. Wishing that I could be there, in one of those moments again. And also wishing I had never been there at all. All at the same time.

If I hadn't let myself fall, it wouldn't feel like this now.

"And it only hurts when I'm breathing. My heart only breaks when it's beating. My dreams only die when I'm dreaming. So, I hold my breath - to forget." --lyrics It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing, by Shania Twain

I know there's no use in dwelling on things I can't change. I know that there's "no use in crying over spilled milk." But sometimes you just can't help it. So, as the tears come, which they periodically do...I just have to let them fall briefly. Then pick myself up, brush myself off, and try to move forward. Eventually, I won't have to keep getting back up; eventually, I'll just stay up on my feet. Eventually the tears will stop flowing. But until then I guess it's just a process. A process of pain and pretending. So I'll keep moving forward, just pretending that I'm okay. Pretending there isn't a break in my heart. Pretending that moving on is the easy part.

"The truth is, that I miss lyin' in those arms of his. But I don't ever let it show. I laugh and I act like I'm having the time of my life. As far as he knows, it's easy goin' out on a Friday night. Easy, everytime I see him out I can smile, live it up, the way a single girl does. But, what he, what he don't know is how hard it is to make it look so, Easy." --lyrics Easy, by Rascal Flatts and Natasha Bedingfield

Maybe sooner or later I won't have to pretend anymore. Perhaps I can reach the point where it IS easy. But for now, I'll just keep pretending. And onward I go. Forward I go. Once again trying to paint that pretty picture with shards of hope and shattered dreams. Someday I'll have my masterpiece. One day I'll wake up and all the pain I've endured in my life will be nothing but a memory. This moment included. I look forward to the memories...if it will get me away from this place.

It's time to be forging ahead, trying to pick up the rest of the pieces in my life. All the other issues I have in addition to the heartbreak. There is so much more to worry about. So much more indeed. I've just got to try and shift my focus.

My heart, it aches. My heart, it breaks. I'll try to put a band-aid on it, and attempt walking it off. Time keeps moving forward, it waits for no one. And so forward I must go as well. I wouldn't want to miss out on "the meantime". My life is still waiting for me. So I'll paint on the smile for now, and walk on. Experiencing life in the meantime. Everything that happens between now and when I'm finally okay again.

Holding my breath, but trying not to forget breathing.

Just don't forget to breathe.

Is it a time bomb?

"'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love, I'm just falling to pieces. And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up. If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up, On love, On love. And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love, when all my resistance will never be distance enough." --lyrics Wreck Of The Day, by Anna Nalick

...If nothing has even happened yet, then why does it feel as though my heart is already breaking?

"I thought my heart had learned its lesson, it feels so good when you start out. My head is screaming get a grip, girl. Unless you're dying to cry your heart out." --lyrics I Won't Say (I'm In Love), from Disney's Hercules

Here I am, an absolutely jumbled mess of emotions which I just can't seem to sort through. Upset about things I've no right to be upset about, yet unable to stop the frustration from festering. And with this sinking feeling in my gut, I just can't seem to shake it. It's a gloomy place to be. Intuitively concerned, for although it's just a hunch...those gut feelings can often be quite accurate, as much as I hope that it's not.

"Somebody fix me. Fix me from head to toe. You'd better drop a line. Or else you're leaving me out in cold." --lyrics Somebody Fix Me, by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals

I've found myself caught in this tailspin, disoriented and confused; sort of wanting to get rid of this pesky "feelings" business. Heartache comes with no cure, no rhyme or reason, just an ache. The dull throbbing, and yet somehow also sharp (as contradictory as that seems), aching pain. The kind that generates from deep within.

Oh, that bloody heartache.

I've been listening to all this soulful music, thinking to myself "Sing it, sista friend" and realizing that the blues are connected to my soul and speaking to my heart at the moment. I've got the inexplicable, rough, and mysterious...downright un-explainable blues.

"It's hard to believe, it hurts to be in love. If you see the tears, fall from my eyes, you'll have to be in love, to know the reason why. The joy and the pain, that all of us feel, are part of the thing, that makes true love so real." --lyrics It Hurts To Be In Love, by Betty Everett

I'm so tired of these tears streaming down my face. But the more I try to analyze them, the more they continue to fall. I think when I try to stop the tears, instead they fall harder. I feel helpless.

"But then the light comes through the dark, and our questions fall apart. It's just the beating of our hearts and the still of the midnight air. And I get so overwhelmed, till it's hard to tell what I'm thinking. We get down, down, down. We feel sorry for ourselves. We get down, down, down. We all need somebody's help." --lyrics Overwhelmed, by Rachel Platten

I have all these uncontrollable emotions simply from the series of events, alone. Before you take into account these new twinges of doubt. See, when you start to add in the other things it's a little overwhelming. The distance is appearing to grow. The desire on one side seeming to fade? Could that be right? I can't hold this thing together on my own. Am I the only one that still wants it to be intact? This sense of doom hurts so much. I keep thinking that it's more than I can take, but I suppose there's really no such thing as more than I can take. We're never given more than we can handle. Just maybe more than we want to handle. We may feel as though it's more than we can bear; truth is we are capable of managing much more than we're aware.

"Everytime we kiss, you don't know how you steal a piece of my soul. You don't know how it feels to be the one who loves the most. How hard it is not to beg you to stay, then watch you go. Oh, you say it's all in my head, but to me it seems so real. No, you don't know how it feels. You might think you do, but you don't." --lyrics You Don't, by Sara Evans

This little voice in the back of my mind tells me that I need to walk away. But I don't want to. I'm scared to lose you. I'm scared to stay and get hurt. Walking away sounds harder in this moment. The vague urge to leave...I wonder if that's coming from somewhere stable, or just from fear. Where do I go from here? How long do you hang on? When do you know it's time to let go? I don't want to let go, but what if eventually I must? I hope with every fiber of my being that this is not what I worry it is. I suppose time will eventually answer all of my questions. Now it's just a waiting game...

And on that lovely note, I'm off to drown my sorrows in some more music before acquiring slumber.
Until next time, just don't forget to breathe.

Monstrosities running rampant!

Contemplations: that wise crack about the full moon, was it really a joke!? Maybe this whole full moon thing really does make people go crazy. For all I know I could be surrounded by werewolves. But in any case, the last few days have been completely nuts! It seems that just about ALL of the people in my life have been going berserk...perhaps including myself. The elderly folk have been delirious, my friends and coworkers have seemed to be on edge, my family appears to be going bonkers a bit, and all of the clients I'm dealing with have basically been batty. Makes for an interesting week, to say the least. But I can't honestly call it a good kind of interesting ;) lol. I just can't wait for the full moon to pass so things can return to normal! But then again, what is normal really? The moon may have nothing to do with it...but I'm gonna hope for my own sake that this will pass (soon). I do believe I'm coming up on my wits end; which means I'm probably running out of rope too, putting me in danger of plummeting down (down, down).

On the bright side: red velvet cake flavored ice cream, cookies, and smiles can almost turn it all around. Almost. If only for a moment.

I'm not sure of a lot these days, but here's what I am sure of:

1) Lunch breaks are NOT nearly long enough
2) I'm practically the cookie monster (pre-veggie stage)
3) Inside jokes make my life better
4) I'm pretty much just crazy about you
5) I like food entirely too much
6) I'm thankful for the people dear to me in my life (I know that I have great friends, and family)
And last but certainly not least...
7) I'm so beyond ready for the weekend to arrive. Day off? Yes please!!!

Too bad I only get one of those day off things. **sigh** Oh well, I'll survive. (On a side note, every time I say the phrase "I'll survive" I definitely start hearing that song I will survive by Gloria Gaynor start to play in my head. Which makes it a little easier to survive, ironically.)

My lunch break is ending and it's time to get my dreadful butt back to work, time to head back to the office. Even though I'd rather stay here, my bed is looking awfully cozy right about now.

So I guess that will be all for now.
Until next time, don't forget to breathe!!!

The broken shell; the torn girl.

"I remember someone old once said to me: 'That lies will lock you up with truth the only key.' But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell, and couldn't see this place would soon become my hell." --lyrics The Special Two, by Missy Higgins

How did I end up here? I'm still not sure. I don't remember coming or going, and the path seems far from where I stand. It's been a rather mystifying turn of events. I never would have imagined that things would/could turn out in that way, and that order. Somehow, it happened. And here I am. Trying to figure out what to do. Trying to figure out how I feel. And not knowing either one.

"I don't know what I've done. Or if I like what I've begun." --lyrics Where I Stood, by Missy Higgins

"Everything's changin' out of what I know, everywhere I go, I'm a mobile, I'm a mobile. Hangin' from the ceilin', life's a mobile, spinnin' 'round with mixed feelings, crazy and wild. Sometimes, I wanna scream out loud." --lyrics Mobile, by Avril Lavigne

I've been pondering for days, to no end and no conclusion. I still can't seem to muddle through this mess of emotions that exploded within me. I don't know what I think, or what I feel, or what I'm doing. I can't sort myself out. I can't see the big picture anymore. I'm irrevocably lost within myself. All these feelings whipping past me. I can't seem to solidly grab hold of anything anymore. Or at least not right now.

"Why do I rush to slow down? Why do I rush to slow down everything? Will the dice ever roll? When will I ever know? Will the plot ever twist, or will I still resist? I've been playing the part of a lost realist." --lyrics Lost Realist, by Trapt

It's hard to say what will happen next. I didn't expect the happenings that have already occurred to happen, so I guess anything goes at this point. From moment to moment there's just no saying what the possibilities are. But I suppose that's part of the beauty of life, the unpredictable. There's something so satisfying and yet simultaneously frustrating about the uncertainty of time. Lady fate is a devious being. Nobody knows where their own destiny truly lies.

"See I thought love was black and white. That it was wrong or it was right." --lyrics Where I Stood, by Missy Higgins

I don't know exactly how I feel about everything. I don't know how to describe this jumbled mess that I've become. I don't know what I want, or where I'm going anymore. I don't know a lot, but I do know that love is a relentless thing. And of all the things I don't know, I do know that I'm in love. Not quite sure how I ended up there either. Unexpected turn of events in this past short little while. Falling head over heels, is that a problem or a blessing?

"Don't know if this will last. Or if our time will come to pass. I'm not concerned with things like where or when. Don't know if it be wise to call that love there in your eyes. I just know it's good to feel this way again." --lyrics Wise, by Shannon Noll

I'm not sure of much these past few days. But sooner or later I'll be sure again. Sooner or later I'll get control of myself again. The world, the feelings, the confuzzlement, it will all come back into focus and be less confuzzling. Blasted discombobulation. I'm bound to regain my composure, right? Or will this disorientation last a lifetime? Heaven please bless that it isn't a permanent effect. I'm already getting dizzy.

"When you're young you have this image of your life: That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife. You make boundaries you'd never dream to cross, and if you happen to you wake completely lost." --lyrics The Special Two, by Missy Higgins

'Round and 'round we go...the ride is ever running, ever turning. The craziest joy ride ever; life. Grab on, buckle up, hang tight, and see what's around the next bend. Ready or not, here I come. Well, I'm not sure if IT'S ready or not, but I know I'M not. Yet, here I go anyway. I just can't forget to breathe, please don't forget to breathe.

Confessions of the flustered heart

Mis-communication. Concern. Worry. Apprehension. These things just happen, right? How can you know if it's a signal of something more? Some deeper rooted problem, or if it really is just that...a mis-communication? Frustration is a result of this situation. Here I am, frustrated. Confused, yet again. Lonely and upset.

Being an open book is NEVER an easy feat for me, I can't even accomplish that with myself. That's right, the girl can't even read herself. I honestly don't understand the majority of my own feelings. Half the time I don't even know WHAT I am feeling. I know something is there, but what? Yeah, no access to that information. I think I need an updated security clearance card, or something. Trying to explain what's going on inside of my own head, most of the time, is a nearly impossible task. Presently...or at least lately, I've been earnestly trying (adamantly) to be more expressive, because it seemed (seems) important; seemed (seems) worth it. That strong adoration motivating me through this difficult task. So how is it that I now must always openly express my thoughts and feelings, my mind, or I'm being difficult? Somebody can totally shut themselves off, and repeatedly avoid discussions of their own deepest thoughts/fears/concerns, but the moment I do something even remotely similar I'm being unfair. Well, don't wonder why I can't understand what's going on, when it seems as if I'm not allowed to discuss my concerns about the situation. Perhaps I should I just let my worry and fret fester on the inside instead. Somehow that plan seems skewed as well.

"Cap'n! More frustration coming in! Off the starboard side!" "Somebody, MAN THE PORTCULLIS!!!"

And so, here I'm left wondering what to do. Why can't there be a clear course of action? I find myself torn. I just want to get in my car, and drive straight there, to the source of distress. I also just want to curl up into a ball and go to sleep...but that could just be the lack of sleep talking on that one. My spidey senses are tingling, I only wish that I knew what they were trying to tell me. I swear they speak a different language, I wonder if I could get a refund...or perhaps exchange them for a different, and easier to use version, because mine seem to cause me more turbulence than smooth sailing. Pretty sure that's not the point of the warning they intend to offer...stupid spidey senses.

I hate it when I know what I want to say, and I know what I think I mean, yet I can't seem to accurately and eloquently express it. Everything seems to come out jumbled. I never wanted to cause any grief, yet somehow have managed to do exactly that. Once again, I managed to botch things up. Smooth, really smooth. Perceiving the hint of a problem sometimes turns into a bigger problem. I guess trying to avoid some things is inevitable. Funny (not funny ha-ha) how quickly the mood of a bond can change. Going from counting down the seconds until that next moment, to wondering if there even IS going to be a next moment.

As little as a day ago, I was consumed with a fluttering heart beat, giddiness, and basically just all around twitter-pation. For lack of a better word, passion. Today, all these symptoms remain, but apprehension (and nearly guilt) suddenly are interfering with the manifestation of them. I'm craving that untamed, non-blemished, non-corrupted passionate sensation. That feeling of desperately wanting. And that's how I feel...whether I like it or not. I can't ignore it. I am twitter-pated. Smitten. Let's face it, I'm enamored with you and your charms. Damn it. Love certainly is a fickle thing. And here's one of those million dollar questions: why can't affection just be simple??

And I leave you to mull that over, as I momentarily continue to delve through my own search of answers in this personal sea of melancholy.

Just don't forget to breathe.

Discombobulation

I haven't really had much time to sit and blog lately, let alone even just sit and think. I don't even know where to begin. Couldn't tell you what I'm thinking if I tried. My mind is racing, yet there are no traces of focused thought to be found. I don't know where I am, or where I'm going. I'm not entirely sure how I got here. Just, somehow...I ended up in this lonely field of dark bewilderment. Lost and confused; disoriented.

I was done. Just done. Sick of trying. Sick of failing. Sick of the whole game. Content with my solitude. Now I'm not so sure...

Hesitation has been my companion in the past few weeks. I'm scared. Terrified. Scared to move forward. Scared to move backward. Scared to try, yet again. Scared to not try. Scared to put my heart and soul, to put MYSELF on the line. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is a good idea in theory, but when actually executed the theory turns into a great potential for pain. But then there's that whole, you never know unless you try, thing. And who wants to live with regret of not trying?

"How many times can I break 'till I shatter? Over the line, can't define what I'm after." --lyrics, Shattered by O.A.R.

So my defense mechanism of choice, became hesitation. Isolation. I kept trying to hide myself. Hide my heart. Bottle my emotions up, and lock them safe on a shelf in a jar...where they can do no damage. No damage to me, no damage to anyone else. No harm, no foul. The trouble is, I can't seem to pull it off. I don't mean to let people in; for the most part I don't let people in, at all. But every once in a while, someone manages to traverse my defenses and leave me feeling discombobulated.

And here I am. How did I get here? Suddenly I find myself beyond that point of intrigued. My heart all a flutter. Wondering what could become of this; where this thing could go. Contemplating the time old question: What if? Here I am, hurdling my own defenses. Now I'm outside of the ivory tower. Outside my own emotional wall perimeters. And for what? How did I get here? When did I jump? Plunging, on my own, into the center of that bewildering field. That "no ends to be seen on the horizon" lonely field. Cold and defenseless. Feeling vulnerable. Emotionally exposed. And now that same fear which had somehow magically melted away (I suppose, with all those warm moments), yeah, it's starting to sink in again. I'm left sitting here, a bit anxious and distraught. Dreading the conclusions, too afraid to find out what's going to happen. But too anxious to wait for the answers, and almost needing to know now. Torn. Contradicting myself. Yep, here I am.

At least I have plenty of distractions to ease the worry as I wait. Perhaps I'll start looking for a way back inside my emotional barricades...could be soothing to lock myself up again. In the mean time, life goes on. Here's to taking it one day at a time! :) Onward, ever onward. Life is forever moving on. Ready or not, here I come!

And until next time, don't forget to breathe!