The few, the proud...and all my love

Veterans Day...

A day of remembrance. A day of reflection. A day of honor. A day of thanks.

"This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave." -Elmer Davis

"Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of readiness to die." -G.K. Chesterton

Today is Veterans Day. So, as I sit here reflecting upon that fact, I can't help but find my thoughts tracing back to my grandfather. Alton William Fuller: grandfather, father, husband, friend, Marine. My grandfather is many things: a brave man, good man, an inspiration, an example, and so much more.

I'm so thankful to have this amazing man in my life, and though I don't get as much time with him as I would like...he is forever an influence in my life, in my person. Grandpa Bill is wonderful, there is so much I could say for him, about him, to him. I wouldn't even, don't even, know where to begin. I love him as only a grand-daughter can love a grandfather. It's a never ending, altruistic yet also selfish, unconditional kind of love. Nearly impossible to explain; impossible to put into words.

Grandpa isn't perfect, by any means. Heaven knows he's made mistakes. Just as anyone else...the man is only human; I wouldn't have him any other way. But even in his mistakes, he manages to be an example, a guiding light. To me at least, if not to anyone else. I might not have the most traditional relationship with my grandfather, and I might not see him or spend time with him as frequently as one might assume, or as frequently as I would like (despite a relatively close vicinity in our physical locations). Other factors in life have always managed to interfere with this option. However, whether I get to see him every day, every week, every month, or every year, it wouldn't matter, I would still feel the same way. Perhaps the lack of time we get makes the time we have that much more valuable. I treasure every moment and every memory I have as if it were gold. My memories might be few and far between, but to me they are a treasure trove that will be cherished forever.

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." -John Fitzgerald Kennedy

My grandfather has taught me how to be. Maybe without even realizing it. I can safely say that I wouldn't be the person I am today, without the influence my grandpa has had in my life. For many reasons, many silent lessons, and through that unconditional love that I believe to go both ways.

Things I inherited from my grandfather (and/or my mother through grandpa):
* My love of spice
* My love of food
* My addiction to jalepenos
* My strong sense of humor
* My stubborn streak
* My strong work ethic
* My perseverance and ability to keep pushing forward
* My ability to roll with the punches
* The gift of gab
* The ability to have humble pride

Things I've learned from my grandfather (and/or my mother through grandpa):
* To take accountability
* Responsibility
* To be cautious about life choices
* To deal with consequences and make the best of bad situations
* To remember without looking back or holding yourself back
* To embrace mistakes and learn from them rather than run from them
* To not allow distance or lack of time dictate feelings for important people in our lives
* To be choosy about who I let into my heart
* To never let go of those already in my heart
* To push myself for self improvement
* Not to be afraid of indulging (and trying to remember moderation with that)

Things I want to say to my grandfather:
* Thank you. For your service, your influence, your steadfastness, your love, your humor, for so many things. For being you, for being my grandfather, and for enriching my life by being a part of it. And so much more.
* I love you
* You never cease to inspire me, whether through words, memories, or example
* Though we've had little time, I value every second I've gotten
* It's a privilege to be your grand-daughter

While this day is important for everyone to remember and thank all Veterans, and while I'm so grateful for all the men and women who serve, I'm also thankful for the reflections of my own personal Vet. My wonderful grandfather. This day is for all veterans, but this day is for you too grandpa! All my love goes out, especially to you.

Enveloped in self destruction...

Here I sit. Enveloped in this self destructive thought: "What is wrong with me?"

Logically, I know that I shouldn't allow these thoughts to linger. Yet, for some reason I can not seem to push them from my mind this evening. Heaven knows the answer to this question is a list a mile long. I have my faults, just as any other human living on this little blue dot we call Earth, we call home. For some reason, despite all this knowledge, I can't seem to shake this feeling that it's more than just those general faults. That there is some bigger picture. Something seriously wrong or disturbed in me. Something that causes so much doubt, and pain, and trouble in my life. If knowledge is half the battle, why does it seem the battle has just begun? With all my knowledge I can't fight this off.

Don't get me wrong, things have been going really, really well for me lately. I can list so many great aspects in my life. I'm truly blessed, and I truly love where I am. I have a great job, which I love. I'm doing well at said job. Making progress in a lot of areas of my life. Taking steps toward trying to make myself a better person. Trying to improve. Growing. And up until just very recently I had a fabulous relationship that was going really well. Now, I'm not sure on that last point. It's a fabulous relationship indeed, I just am unsure about the going really well part. Still trying to figure out exactly where I stand. That small fact aside, I have so much to be grateful for. So much to be proud of. So much to look forward to.

But this empty feeling is coming from somewhere else. Perhaps I just can't deal with stress anymore, because I seem to have more than my fair share as of late. At times I think my tests of strength aren't scattered and spread well enough. It seems I barely have time to recover before the next test of my strength comes along to weaken my spirits again. I marvel at the cruel joke. How can I continue to get through everything with my head held high, if I'm not able to get back up to par before being dwindled down lower again? And maybe that's where this feeling is stemming from. Just that, and that alone. Or maybe not.

I can't help but wonder if it's something more though. I've worked so hard. Worked so hard on my self esteem and self image. But it seems no matter how hard I work, I fall back into this pit of self doubt and near self loathing time and time again. I'm not sure how many times I can climb to pull myself out again. How long until I pass near self loathing and fall completely into that hole; into actual self loathing?

I have been fighting back these tears for a couple of weeks now, being the emotion bottler that I am. Here, now, this night, I can't fight them back any longer. So they fall. As they fall they bring with them that enveloping thought. Now I sit, and I cry, and I wonder. Needing to sleep, yet sleep eluding. Instead, just, hollow...something...maybe fear? Hollow fear. Is that what this feeling is? I honestly can't tell. I can't describe what I feel.

Exhaustion? Stress? Fear? Sorrow? Self doubt is for sure, but what is triggering it?

I've struggled so hard in my life to become confident. It seems as though the struggle will never fully be over for me. As I grow, the battles become less frequent. But also as I grow, the falls are that much harder. Deeper. Longer. And the climb to get back where I was becomes more difficult. I will pull myself up again, I know that I will. It's just hard to say when. And so, the question returns again, "What is wrong with me?"

I feel like there is more than simple faults. I feel like there is something major, gnawing at me. And I don't know why. I don't know where it's coming from. All I know is that I feel like that damaged little girl I once was. I feel like that high school student watching helplessly as my life falls apart. The memories are haunting me. Or maybe just the feelings are. Or maybe it's both. I'm just trying to breathe. Sobbing, isn't this supposed to help me cry myself to sleep?

I'm tired. To quote myself from an earlier posting:

"When I'm honest with myself, I'm getting really sick of picking up the pieces and trying to make a masterpiece. It's hard to paint a pretty picture of anything with only shards of hope and shattered dreams. Then again, life is always going to consist of moving forward despite the pain. If there was no pain, we wouldn't be alive."

And that statement still rings true today. My life still has a tendency to fall apart and scatter around my feet leaving me feeling helpless. It did then. It does now. It probably always will. Perhaps it's just part of life. No matter the reason, I am tired.

I've said this before, but I'm saying it again: tears help to grow your strength. Like watering a garden, it's necessary. And so I let them fall for a moment. And onward I go. Difficult, yes, but with nowhere else to go except forward, I'm left with little choice. So onward indeed. Now I'm just hoping that this little venting session I've allowed myself will grant me the precious commodity of sleep. Now that the tear shed is thinning perhaps I'll try again.

Things should look better in the morning. Sleeping on problems is supposed to make them more manageable, or so I hear, so I'm giving it a shot. Back on the journey to discovering myself, once again. Forever. And always.

Deep breaths.

Thanks for listening...or for reading. And as always, don't forget to breathe. I'm trying over here.

Breathing. In. And out. Deep Breaths. I can't forget to breathe.

Mistakes, realizations, and lessons learned

Where to start? ...So much has been happening, I don't know where to start. I guess just starting wherever is as good a place as any.

Once upon a time I wasn't terrified of love. But now, now the story has definitely changed. It's safe to say that I've now become afraid of that one thing everybody wants and needs. I mean, don't get me wrong here, I still yearn for it. With every fiber of my being. I still desire to have love in my life. To find that ever elusive, fickle thing called love. I want it, possibly, more than anything else. However, that yearning desire doesn't stop me from fearing it. It doesn't stop that pesky L word, love thing, from scaring the HELL out of me.

Needless to say, I'm very gun shy in relationships. I hesitate to jump too fast. It generally doesn't stop me from jumping all together, but it just takes me a while to get to that point where I can jump. Usually, longer than it takes most people to get to that point. See, I've built up these walls around my heart for protection. I hold myself back in order to attempt protecting myself from getting hurt. Doesn't always work out so well either. And it's apparently really hard for most people to understand. I guess, the way I see it, the only way for somebody to understand it is for them to have similar feelings and reservations. Until you build up these kind of emotional safe guards within yourself, you don't know or understand just how distressful it can be when you start seeing yourself bypassing these safe guards. It surely makes it easy for your mind and emotions to go into code red, freak out mode.

So, I have built up this intricate series of emotional safe guards. I've been building up this invisible security system around myself for years. Fine tuning this to a point where I can be totally unaware of how far out of a position I have actually taken myself. Sometimes I honestly think I've been opening up, only to realize that actually I have not been opening up at all.

If you know anything about me, you know that I'm a walking contradiction in so many ways and on so many levels in my life. So this should come as no shock, my emotions are no different. In the category "Matters of the heart", I can definitely be a walking contradiction as well. Sometimes my own emotions can be mysterious even to me. Especially to me.

Now that I have given you an idea of just how hard relationships are for me to navigate in the beginning stages, I can go into story mode.

I started sort of seeing, or dating, this really amazing man recently. In the last few weeks. We seemed to hit it off instantly. I felt very, very comfortable with him from the get go. It appeared that he seemed to feel the same way. It's been crazy, and very scary, how quickly I found myself starting to get attached to him. I KNEW that I liked him without a doubt. What I didn't, or rather couldn't (maybe wouldn't) let myself know was exactly how much it was that I liked him. There's those fine, high quality emotional safe guards at work again.

He had stopped seeing other people. I knew he wasn't seeing anyone else. I knew I hadn't felt the desire to see anyone else, and hadn't been setting up any other dates since we met. However, I was also very hesitant to jump to "relationship" mode. It's me. I don't jump. I refuse to jump. Not quickly. I HAVE to take my time...if you try to force me into something like that too quickly, it generally results in losing me altogether. He knew I was hesitating for that status. He also knew that I wasn't ruling it out in the future. Obviously I knew I liked him, I would consider making things more serious. The key was, in the future. I didn't know how long that meant. I just knew I was too freaked out to do it now. And the more I began to like him, the more scared and freaked out I began to get. Self destructive safe guards I have here, indeed.

Anyway, here I was. Not wanting a relationship, but not wanting separation either. Basically I had no idea what I wanted. And that was disconcerting in itself. Then one night, he seems distant. Or vaguely upset. Or...I couldn't tell what, but just seemed off. I asked him what the face meant (which I do a lot, but this time it was apparent to be more than a normal "what was that face for?", I was slightly concerned). He insisted it was nothing. I was falling asleep. He left to go home, and then after leaving he texted me admitting that he was upset/frustrated. Which was a bit frustrating to me, wishing he had talked to me about it before leaving instead of having a little "text fight" while I was falling asleep. I knew if I tried to straighten it out then, I would end up falling asleep between texts and making matters worse so I tell him we need to discuss it later. The next morning I text him (knowing he's asleep still since he works graveyards) saying that I know he's sleeping. Saying that I'm sorry, and that I really do like him. Admitting to him that I'm actually really surprised by how much I like him. All of which is true. Those safe guards I have in place aren't fully working. Emotions are getting through. Strong emotions. This can be pretty scary. So I send the text containing all of this very true information, of which I mean every single word.

Shortly after sending the text, and before the amazing man awakens to discuss anything with me, another guy texts me. A guy who has been trying to take me out for quite some time, all the while I've been basically shrugging him off because I had no desire to set up other dates. Well this other guy texts, asking again to meet me for coffee. I'm still really upset. Really confused. Concerned that all of my serious conversations or disputes will become text fights, fearing that he will never speak to me in person about issues, thus causing issues to become bigger. Fearing the fact that I'm thinking so intently about a possible future with this man. Upset and unable to decipher so many things. And waiting on a response to a text that I feared would end with him dumping me anyway. Just all kinds of counterproductive thoughts and emotions racing through me, which I couldn't control or figure out. So I agree to a coffee date. Needing a distraction. Needing to stop thinking. Needing...something...but not knowing what.

Here's where the mistake kicks in (sort of). So coffee/hot chocolate "date" is set up. I arrange the time. Stop worrying for the time being. Now later on, after all this takes place, the man wakes up and responds. We talk a bit. Sort of diffuse the mini text fight. Diffuse the situation. In the mean time, my tire blows out on my car. Second flat in two weeks. I tell him that I'm changing a tire. He offers to come pick me up from the tire place so I don't have to sit there waiting. Such a sweetheart. He melted my face into a smile right then. As we're out and about the tire place calls me back with unfortunate news, letting me know additional work needs to be done in order to repair the problem, along with the alignment we had discussed. Second piece of bad news being that they can't get to it that night and need to keep my car over night. I'm trying to figure out how to get to work the next day. Without missing a beat he IMMEDIATELY offers to drive me back to work so I can finish what I need to. Offers to come pick me up from work again when I'm done and take me home. AND offers to come pick me up in the morning (after his graveyard shift) to give me a ride to work in the morning. Total knight in shining armor. Total sweep me off my feet kind of moment. This amazing man just became even more amazing. I began to like him even more. I forget momentarily that I've set up a coffee date.

Next day, the time for the coffee meeting approaches and that other guy texts to confirm. I probably should have canceled it. Not entirely sure why I didn't. Heaven knows I'm falling for this amazing man. I begin to admit to myself that I'm falling for this amazing man. But that's probably half the reason I didn't cancel. I'm having a mental freak out still. My safe guards are beginning to malfunction and come down, and that's scaring the shit out of me. So I go get hot chocolate. There's the mistake. But it's only sort of a mistake, because the second part of this is: while I'm sitting here in this little coffee shop, all I can think is "I wish I was here with that amazing guy. I wish I was sitting here with Andrew." And in that moment, when all I can think about is him, and I'm barely even aware of the conversation I'm having with this other person, I had a moment of clarity. A realization. One of those "EUREKA!" kind of moments. Suddenly it became clear that I absolutely did not want to date or see anybody else. At all. Not just that I didn't have an urge to seek out anything else, but that the thought of agreeing to see anybody else actually upset me. That this incredible individual was actually all I wanted, and nothing else. Which, is also scary. And so the nervousness about the whole thing doesn't leave. But I have now officially made the decision that I absolutely do NOT want to see anybody else, not just kinda thought it, I now KNOW for sure.

I go straight to my brother's house from this awkward coffee meet up, and talk to him about the situation. Confide in him for advice and to help me sort out this jumble of emotions and thoughts that has become my walking mess. He helps me straighten it out, and make it even more clear and apparent that I've made a decision to basically jump. Speaking with him, and just discussing everything makes it impossible to ignore the fact that not only am I falling for this guy. I'm falling hard. Really hard. And there's no stopping it. So, I'm sitting there figuring out how and when is the best way to go about telling Andrew about this. To tell him how I now feel. To get all of this out, in the open, where it should be.

The next night I get my chance. There seems to be a perfect opening in our conversation to insert the information. To let him know "hey so I went on this coffee date, and it made me realize how much I really care for you and how I just want you and only you" That's the gist of what I'm trying to say here. Simple, right? Wrong. He is very upset and hurt. I knew he wouldn't be happy about the "date" if you can call it that, but I thought he would be happy about the results of the evening. That the conclusion it brought me to was the important part. It was, after all, the important part to me. I didn't care at all about the 20 minutes I spent absent mindedly making small talk. I didn't care about the awkward encounter ending with no contact whatsoever. I didn't care about the wasted time. Because to me it wasn't wasted. To me, it showed me what I couldn't allow myself to want all this time. It showed me where I actually stood, which is something I've been trying to figure out this whole time. It showed me that I shouldn't be scared, despite still being nervous. It showed me that I wanted to move forward. Who knows how long it would have taken me to get past all the jumble in my head and heart without this event?

So it was a mistake. Yes. It hurt this amazing man, which was never my intent. I honestly didn't realize it would upset and hurt him this much. And I regret that. Deeply. I wish I could take it back, for that reason. However, I find it difficult to fully regret something which taught me so much. How can I regret something that gave me clarity? How can something that opens a heart be a mistake?

Yes, I regret having hurt him. And I'm very sorry for that. Deeply and truly. I wish there was something more than apology I could do about that. It was never, ever my intent at all. But I still can't bring myself to regret the side of this horrible situation which gave me realization and courage to try and move past my fear. I don't know how long it would have taken me to reach this same point otherwise. This made me learn something about myself, and how to grow, and how to let go, to try and move towards removing the safe guards permanently. It showed me that I needed to, I could have never admitted that before. How can I fully regret something that helped me move forward? I can't. I wish I could have gotten to this point without upsetting him. I wish I had stumbled upon these answers by some other means. But I didn't. I definitely would take back hurting him if I could, no question about that. But on the other hand I'm extremely glad and grateful that I was able to get here at all.

So now I meet with this amazing man I've fallen for tonight. To talk. To discuss. To see if it's possible to straighten this out. There is no guarantee I can. This may have been a deal breaker. This could potentially be the end. What a cruel irony, now I've finally figured out what I want and the way I figure it out could be the end of it. What happens if my discovery process is also the way I lost my discovery? Cruel, cruel irony. It's like a sick joke. But either way, I'm thankful I was able to see all of this. And if I have to move on, I'm a big tough girl so that's exactly what I'll do. Hopefully I can use this learning experience to help me later as well. Scratch that, hopefully I don't have to. Hopefully all of his trust in me isn't destroyed. Hopefully he can see that I didn't mean it to turn into this. Hopefully this hasn't dissolved his feelings for me.

I'm crossing my fingers that there is still something left to salvage. Only our talk tonight will be able to tell me. I'm freaking out and completely scared again, but now for an entirely different reason than before. It's funny how that works. Crystal, that's me...always a walking contradiction.

Yo-yo? Puppet? Toy? Oh boy!

Another bellowing? Yes. I believe it's time once again. However, I need you to bear with me folks, I'm trying something new. Not my typical ranting style...but this just popped into my head and I decided I needed to jot it down. Even if the only result from doing so is just to clear my mind. It may be complete rubbish, but in order to find the diamond in the rough, you have to dig through all the rubble, right? You can't have the gems without someone getting dirty. So here's my way of getting a little mud on the tires? Or something like that.

And so if this becomes my worst post ever, so be it. Not every post can be pure gold. This blog is my emotional outlet. So brace yourselves, because here I go:



I was just a girl who wore her heart on her sleeve, but that never got me anywhere. Like a fool, I kept my heart on a string, setting the stage for all this puppetry. Now I've learned that all those strings only make for vulnerability, they make me ready for the tugging.
Oh, you never could resist tugging at my heart strings, could you? And so, I never realized I was meant for your personal entertainment, but eventually that's how it always went. Every time, I was your whimsical puppet.
Like a yo-yo on my string, you throw me away and then pull me back again.
And again, and again. Round and round, up and down, back and forth.
I never can tell if you're coming or going. Or is it me that's doing all the running?
It always ends the same, and I'm left sitting on the curb just trying to tie off my frayed tips. Until the next time you beckon me one way or another. What if I told you I'm different than anyone you've ever known? You wouldn't notice anyway. Do you ever hear the words that I say?
It's a difficult moment when you realize you've been nothing but a pawn. A pawn in somebody's game. Elaborate or not, the games are never what I want in the end. So I'm letting go, or at least attempting so.
To free my battered heart, perhaps I need to cut these strings. Yes, cut these strings right off.
I once tried boxing this fragile heart up and keeping it on a shelf, which only left me stagnant.
It's time to fly, solo or not I'm looking toward the sky. I know this means leaving you behind, but I'll tell you one thing, boys...this yo-yo here, is through being a toy.
Next time you call, I may not be found. Next time you tug, I'll be long gone. It's okay though, you won't miss me all that much. Because you've always known that toys never did last forever.


***DISCLAIMER*** Before anybody has a chance to get all "up in arms" about this one let me just make sure to state that this post is NOT about any one particular person at all. It's about several situations, all combined. It's about this horrible pattern I've found myself stuck in. It's about ME. About how I feel. It's not about anyone else. No one person in mind. Just me, and the things I've been through all together.
Actually no, scratch that. If somebody wants to get all worked up about it, it's not my fault they have a guilty conscience. Why should I walk on egg shells anyway? Think whatever you want!


Oh yeah, and until next time, just don't forget to breathe!

No, I can't read your fortune! I'm a HAZMAT not a crystal-ball.

Another late night rambling? Yep. Here we go.

So here I sit. Unable to sleep. Too much on my mind, yet again. Meekly trying to solve my problem with an episode of the "Big Bang Theory" playing in the background. An unsuccessful attempt, as the thoughts continue raging. At least, I THINK that is what's happening here. Something along those lines anyway.

Why is it that feelings always get in the way? Blasted emotions. Always undermining me. Constantly working towards my demise. I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this before, but I hate feelings. And apparently they hate me as well.

I start really liking a person, and I immediately start sabotaging things somehow. Sometimes I don't even notice. These walls around my heart are ever changing. Like a rubix cube. I'm not a girl, I'm a freaking puzzle! Even to myself at times.

It doesn't help when there are very reasonable doubts involved before the feelings are. Who needs to work against unreasonable odds when dating and feelings are hard enough before adding in these unreasonable odds?

Connections are difficult to make. And it seems the best ones I make are connections that can't work. Go figure. I've been saying that I'm broken for a long time, I guess I'm just collecting more proof of this lately. But why? Why can't I ever develop feelings in a situation that makes sense? I'm like my own personal HAZMAT. Give me bad situations, and that's where the emotions thrive. Logic? Screw that. We all know that matters of the heart are never logical, I guess that supplies the logic here.

I'm sick of feelings. I'm sick of caring. I'm sick of being scared. This stuff freaks me out, for real. Oh yeah, and about that, I'm also sick of being freaked out. Can I please just be 5 years old again? Things were so much simpler back when climbing trees, what to bring for show and tell, and can I reach the cookie jar were my biggest concerns in life. Oh sweet childhood. We never know what a treasure we hold with childhood, until it has already eluded us. What a cruel irony.

And back to my current issues. When I tell you "I don't trust people"...well, my dear, I'm not trying to make you angry or upset with that statement. I'm telling you the truth. Sorry to say, I'm not exaggerating. I honestly don't.

Once upon a time, I was one of those gullible girls who unconditionally believed in fairy tale esque things like true love, soul mates, and that everybody met that special someone. No question about it, I just knew it was true. Unlike the fairy tales, it doesn't actually happen that way. I can't honestly say that I still believe these things. Every once in a while my hope is momentarily restored. When I see those happy elderly couples. Still in love after so many years. No question in anybody's mind that they belong together. Still.

Those couples that make anyone feel warm and fuzzy inside, just looking at them. Still going strong in the elderly years. Still made for each other. The perfect matches. Two halves of a whole. And that love bug bites me again. But only for a moment, until I remember that we live in a different world these days. Things aren't like that anymore. And then I remember why these things freak me out. And I'm right back here, building more walls around myself to try and keep people out.

So now I don't trust people. Now I'm skeptical of everything and everyone, especially when it comes to my emotions and feelings. Is this the road to crazy cat lady status? Perhaps. Hermit-ville here I come? Who knows. Am I becoming cynical? Possibly. I've said this before, and for the record yes I do know it's a terrible joke, but here it is anyway. My name may be Crystal, but I don't own a crystal ball...I can't tell the future. I don't know how things will turn out. And I don't know how to navigate this effectively.

In any case, to whomever it may concern: I don't intend to upset you by my self built hazards. It accidentally happens occasionally. I do apologize, in a way, though I can't take back the fact that I feel skeptical about the situation. It's not a judgement of you, but of the world. I don't trust people, with good reason. Unfortunately that does include you at this point. Wish it didn't, but it does. And so, here I sit, unable to sleep, and ranting again.

Confusing situations in the emotional world of me. Confusing indeed.

And again, until next time, don't forget to breathe.

Strip poker...for the soul

I suppose tonight is as good as any for one of my rambling blog rants. So here's what's on my mind this time (That is, if you're prepared for another of my crazy thoughts and some more terrifying insight into my head. Otherwise I suggest you stop reading here):

We, as people, can only ever be as great as we allow ourselves to be. Now when I speak of greatness here, I'm not talking about being a super hero, or a world leader, or being renowned, or legendary, or going down in history books. I'm talking about a simple greatness. Some of the greatest people in the world, and in history, go unknown. Undocumented. It's a simple kind of wonderful. But so many people don't ever allow themselves to attain it. For whatever reasons.

For myself it's not about you, or that other girl, or that guy, or "them" whoever them might be. It's not about anybody else at all. It's about me, and only me.

And as for all the rest of you, whomever may be reading these words. For any of you, it's not about me. It's not about that guy living down the street with the cute dog. Or about "that bitch" at work who you're convinced is out to get you. Or the "know it all" in class. It's not about him, her, or that other person. It's not about "them". It's not even about God. It's about you, and only you. Nothing else.

What kind of person do YOU want to be? What can you live with...or die with?

If you were to pass on tomorrow with no more time to change or to do better next time, would you be content with the life that you have lived? Just the one thus far?

Let's forget about religion for a minute here. Set EVERYTHING aside. Religion, society, acceptable social "norms", stereotypes, everything. Drop it all for a moment and just think. Peer inside your own mind. Your own thoughts. Stop letting everything and everyone else think for you, and just think for yourself on this one. Look inside yourself. Only there, not anywhere else. Not to what somebody else has told you to be right or wrong. This is about what YOU define as right or wrong. We're all capable of deciphering this without prompting, yet so many of us never do...

What is right? What is wrong? What is going to make you proud of the person that you are? What is going to help you go to bed at night KNOWING that you have done right? That you have done what's best? That you have made a difference? That you have had a glimmer of greatness?

Do you want to be that jerk in traffic who speeds up when a blinker turns on? Or do you want to be the person who makes room to let the car change lanes? The asshole that cuts somebody off and nearly causes an accident because you're not paying attention and are in a hurry? Or the one who is cautious and courteous?

Do you want to be the person who is too busy avoiding eye contact with other human beings while out in the world that you are oblivious to your surroundings? Or do you want to be the one who notices the woman behind you in the checkout line, with her small child, who only has two items so you let her go ahead of you in line?

Are you the type of person who just walks past, ignoring the elderly woman who dropped her groceries across the floor? Or are you the type to see it, and stop to help her retrieve them all?

You can decide which person to be. You can control your destiny in this way. YOU and only you. Nobody else can make you be a better person. Not your parents. Not your friends. Not your significant others. Not even God. It is something you must decide for yourself, and work toward yourself. For you. Because YOU want it. Not because somebody else told you to.

Let everyone else worry about themselves and their own decisions. Let them all decide which person they will be on their own. Just worry about you, and who you want to be. Let everything else fall away. Just work on your own goals. Because in the end nothing else matters. That person who decided to be a jerk...if you let that make YOU decide to be a jerk, where does that get you? Is that who you pictured yourself becoming as a child growing up? What would four year old you think of current you?

Be kind, courteous, considerate. Waiting five seconds to hold the door open for the stranger behind you is not going to kill you. It won't even make you late! But sharing a smile. The thought behind the gesture, that can mean the difference between gloom and hope in a person's day. You never know how simple things like that can instantly turn a mood around, with so little effort. That, my friends, is how we can achieve greatness right there. Is waiting five seconds to extend such a small gesture really any sort of sacrifice? I would say that it is not, but maybe that is just me. Which was my original point, that's all that matters. So I will try to do this, because it's what I want for myself.

Allow yourself to be great. Greatness isn't about fame, or fortune, or looks, or charm. It's about character. It's about setting out to be the best person you can be. The very best you. Becoming that person that you want yourself to be.

It's not about being perfect, it's about trying. Making an effort each day. Success or failure is often measured with a skewed scale in our modern world. It's not about keeping up with the Jones'. It's about keeping up with your inner self, or rather about not losing sight of that self.

A smile is contagious, so why not spread it around? Who knows, you might even manage to spread it to yourself! You could spontaneously go from a forced smile to a habitual one without even realizing it. All as part of the process of doing whatever it is that you define as right, you could stumble upon happiness and contentment.

I know, it's a shocker. You probably didn't realize that there was a disease which did good instead of harm. Smiling is that disease. Give it a try, I'm sure that you won't regret contracting this ailment.

And even a step farther than the all wonderful smile, is laughter.

Laughter is quite possibly my favorite thing on this entire planet! I'd say that it might even be the most brilliant treasure that we, as a species, possess. Sharing a laugh with someone can carry the weight of the world, and all my worries away. I'm not quite sure how, but it just does. All those moments where I feel in my life "it's either laugh or cry" where things seem so awful it can't be real and yet it is, but somehow I get through it. When you think about it, those are always the stories you laugh about later. The stories that are the most fun to tell and re-tell. And on the flip side, also the stories that are the most fun to hear from others. So if you can laugh in the moment as well, it just might make the punches that much easier to roll with. But that, again, is one of those "at least for me" moments.

I would suggest you give some of these things a try. But don't do it because I said so. It's not about me, it's about you. Do what makes you great, in your own definition of greatness. Not in someone else's definition. Just remember that you are the only thing standing in your way for this. Try not to be afraid to step out of your own way. You may be surprised with the results. Who knows, it may even catch on, one person at a time, making the world a more pleasant place. Even if only making it more pleasant in your own interactions, that's still a step. It's still a glimmer of greatness. Is it not?

Just some food for thought. Or you know, maybe just another of my pointless rantings.

In any case, don't forget to breathe!

Just call me...uh...G.I. Jane??

Is it still closure if it makes you long for something you've lost even more? I am sorely missing some things right now. But knowing the truth, having more facts, that's got to be for the best right? It's always better to have more of the story than to be left in the dark. The more information you have, the more equipped you are to be able to handle any situation. In the immortal words of G.I. Joe: "Knowing is half the battle".

So in any case, I've gained a little "closure". Gained a few answers. A little knowledge...well, a little information. So it's for the best. Or, at least I THINK it's a step in the right direction.

I'm like the little engine that could, just chugging along. Chuggin' and hoping that I'm chuggin' in the right direction, hard to tell if I'm even ON the tracks sometimes, let alone on the right track. Or which direction I'm heading, whether I'm coming or going.

So on the one hand, a little closure. And on the other hand, another person in my life is just causing me to second guess myself...

It's funny how some people can make you feel like you're worth more than you once thought, and how others can make you feel like you're less than you are. Even within the same period of time. The result is me being left without a clue as to what I should do. Frustrated and confused.

Perhaps it's time to focus on other things for a while...

Well I'm going to keep this one short and sweet (for a change, seems my posts are never short! haha)

So until next time, don't forget to breathe!

Little old, elderly MUSES...

The inspiration for this posting comes from my elderly folk. After some recent discussions with all of them; conversations we've had, stories they've told, things they've said to me in passing. All of this has started me thinking...

And so, I've just been doing a lot of deep inward thinking. All of this contemplation has led me to the conclusion that I'm sick of settling in my life. I've always been the one sitting around waiting. And most of the time waiting for nothing. What is the point?

I'm always forgiving, sometimes forgetting, often regretting.

Well no more. I mean, I'm sure I'll still be a forgiving person, but forgiving doesn't mean I have to allow opportunity to be hurt again. It just means that I'm not angry with you for it. It can also mean that I'm letting myself move on. A person can only take so much being at the bottom of the totem pole. I'm tired of being the last priority for everyone. For my friends, for my family, for potential relationships, or even just for casual dates. I'm yearning for support. Or just respect. And I intend to find it.

My new goal is to not allow others to make me feel like less than I deserve anymore.

My family interactions have been a bit frustrating lately, not to go into any excruciating detail. But that in itself is hard enough to deal with, because family is so important to me. This may very well be the thing that's eating at me the very most. And yet that's all I'm going to say on this huge subject at the moment. I simply can't bring myself to think about this one anymore.

Next up, friends. This one is tricky because we all get so busy. And when I was working so much I know I was the worst culprit. But it just seems like all of my dearest friends, rather the ones I've always considered my closest friends, are MIA. Some I haven't seen in months. Others I saw recently, which just helped to remind me how much I MISS them all. I know that life gets crazy, and that makes it hard to always spend so much time. But I shouldn't feel as if they are lost to me, or beyond my reach. And it's time to try and regain those strong bonds.

The latest Nintendo night was perfect. And I need many more in the near future. I also need to see my redneck. I need to reconnect with some of my "long lost" friendships. I need to have that invisible support that naturally comes along with spending time with those important people. With those friends. Those bonds that help make you a stronger person. I've been sorely missing those kindred spirits. I know that life has gotten in the way for all of us, and taken us to different places. With different things going on. And I understand that it gets hard to remain so close all the time. But I say we're long overdue for a reunion. And so that's what I'll be trying for here. Strengthening newer friendships. Reuniting with older ones. Just replenishing those bonds. And spending some time with those that I'm missing so much (or at least I hope I can arrange it in the near future, all our crazy lives permitting! **fingers crossed**)

Casual dates, well I guess there's not much to expect there. If these fall through, so be it. I've never expected much anyway, but I just can't let myself reflect anything from this category onto my own self worth. It happens. People generally suck. And so be it. Moving on.

Potential relationships...maybe the trick is to stop seeing things as anything potential. No holding these hopes in the back of my mind. At least not until they PROVE themselves to be potential, or rather to have potential. Because until they put forth the effort to hold my hopes, they shouldn't hold the power to upset me either. I have got to try harder to keep everything in that casual date category until I know for sure I should think of it as anything stronger. I'm usually pretty good about it, but every once in a while...

Anyway, back to the reason for the post. All the stories from my elderly folk about their significant others. How they met. What made them fall in love. Things that kept their relationship alive and kicking, strong until the end. Little things like that. For example: one of them told me a story about a night when she was walking with her now late husband. She said that they were talking, and he held her close. She told me that with every step they took, he whispered one more reason why he loved her. And with every step he had something new to add. Every time she thought he must have run out of reasons, he continued with more. And that was the first night she started to fall for him, madly in love with him.

This story, as well as many other stories and comments made to me about how I deserve the best, and how amazing my old people think I am, etc. And stories from women my age about the men who still open doors, and make a point to treat them like ladies. Pulling up to the curb at a movie theater, getting out and running around the car to open the door, dropping her off there and then parking and meeting her to buy the tickets. Things like that. People putting forth effort. People showing that they want to be there. Proving that they deserve returned affection. People who make their significant other a priority.

Sometimes I think that people like this are extinct, it was all just another time. Another time, and the world has changed. Which is true, but I've heard enough about modern day men who are still old fashioned at heart. Or men who are just gentleman, not necessarily old fashioned. But they do still exist. Just few and far between. There are still men and women who know how to show others respect. Who know how to have morals, and standards. You just have to know how to find them I guess.

Now I don't need such lavish, over the top gestures. I've never been very high maintenance in this area. But, I DO NEED SOMETHING. Some sort of effort. Somebody to TRY. I don't need perfection. I don't need ooey gooey romance. I don't need something that sounds like a romance novel, or something practically pulled from a chick flick. Yes, larger "sweep me off my feet" kind of moments are nice, but not required. They're very appreciated, they're amazing, and they're memorable. But I don't need every guy I meet to fly me to New York, take my breath away, and shock me with amazing moments or a 4 foot tall rose. Yes, I loved every second of that. Yes, it made me feel like I was living in a movie. Yes, it was something I never thought I'd have. Yes, I'm glad that it happened. And yes, I will remember it for the rest of my life! Don't get me wrong, I would love to have somebody do something like that again. But no, that's not what I'm specifically looking for. It's not what I need, though I wouldn't turn it away.

I just want someone to try. Somebody to prove they want some time with me. To put forth some sort of effort, show me some respect. I don't need anybody else to waste my time. A person that wants to be in my life, will make an effort to be there. Not make me feel as though I'm an after thought. I just want somebody who cares, and shows me that they care. I'm looking for somebody who won't make me do all the work. Who's willing to meet me halfway. Who will actually pursue me, and let me share my affection in return. And until I find that, I guess I'll stick to casual dates without investment. I can't afford to invest without a return investment anymore.

So here's a huge thank you to all my old people. Thank you for reminding me what I'm worth. Thank you for reminding me what I deserve. Thank you for inspiring me constantly. Thank you for sharing your stories, and giving me hope. Thank you for giving me something to strive for, and aspire to. Thank you for being there, for loving me, and for letting me love you. <3 <3 <3

And here's where I'll wrap this up. Hopefully get some shut eye. It's funny how I always feel a bit better after one of these blog vent sessions, it really is a good emotional outlet for somebody like me.

So until next time, just don't forget to breathe!

Webs of deceit: now served all day!

I'm not really sure where to begin, so I'll just jump in...and let my Benadryl induced ramble begin. So here it goes:

Lately I've found myself feeling a lot like those useless crumbs, left forgotten at the bottom of the potato chip bag that's been tossed into the garbage can.

While this is a very true statement, I just need to take a moment to point out that I'm not going for one of those, "Oh, woe is me" kind of effects here. Simply, I'm just trying to state the facts. And while I'm not sure exactly why I've been feeling this way (nor can I pin point the exact triggers of these feelings to any specifics), it has just been kind of the general feeling I've been getting lately. From everywhere in my life. It's very real, and very harsh. Which makes it very difficult to ignore sometimes.

I'll be honest, I'm rather sick of this lingering feeling. It's tiresome to feel like some sort of disregarded, expendable waste. I don't want to be the leftover crumbs; I think I ought to be the main course and dessert all wrapped into one! Or at the very least, be one of the two. Either the entree or the dessert. Yes, I could settle for that (either/or...possibly both).

Is it so much to ask that I get to have somewhere I can feel as if I'm a priority??? Somewhere to matter. Somewhere I'm not a mere after thought. And more so, just to be a priority for longer than a moment. Just more than a fleeting moment. Not for some ulterior motive, but because I have some sort of significance. I'm just hoping to find some importance. Somewhere. Anywhere. Can't I have someone who thinks I take precedence? Someone to put forth some effort.

I once believed without a doubt that love was just a given. That it was coming at some point. That it would happen. Sort of that whole "Someday my Prince will come" sensation. These days I'm not so sure. I'm having trouble with the concept of love even on a more platonic scale, let alone the romance aspect of the theory.

And for that matter, how can you tell true sincerity in this world when we're all so surrounded by the fabricated lies that intricately web together social existence? Where can a person look and actually find a truly genuine interaction? Is candor fictitious? In any case, the world could sure use more honest people and less phonies. Good luck world. Good luck to all of us.

"All those fairy tales are full of shit. One more fucking love song, I'll be sick." --lyrics from the song Payphone, by Maroon 5

Time and time again I'm proven wrong when I think a person cares. Time and time again I tell myself I'm done, only to find myself letting my guard down again. Letting someone in again. Lowering the walls again. Trusting only to be hurt. Yes, time and time again. An endless cycle that I can't seem to break for the life of me. "Time after time"

Things are so hard to navigate when it comes to the uncharted territory of human emotions. Even within your own skin, within your own mind, everything can somehow be so foreign. Frustrating. Exhausting.

I only hope that if I ever do find that glimmer of true sincerity, I can see it. That if I come across a real, honest to goodness, decent person who actually does care and isn't lying, that I can tell. That I'm not too far gone, or too broken to accept it. That I can let it happen. So here's to grasping that piece of hope! Holding it dear to our hearts and to our souls. Onward we go. Ever moving forward. Life stops for no man, don't blink or you may miss it. Just keep your eyes peeled for those slim chances, and try not to let the problems bog you down or destroy you. At least not too much, perhaps just a little bit.



Oh and also, on another note:

Why is it that the arts are fueled so drastically by misery? My best writing comes from the moments I feel distraught. My best drawings happen while I'm disconcerted. You constantly hear about musicians' music suffering as they start to gain happiness. That they struggle to produce music once the doom and gloom fades. It seems most of the great artists of any time and any type suffered greatly in their lives. And produced their best work during those times of suffering.

Dear anguish, why must you be the best muse known to mankind? Why must you taunt us so? Seems like a cruel joke to me. Cut us a break, would ya? Kthnxbye. <3 /Me



And that is all on the rant front from me tonight. So until next time, just don't forget to breathe.

Inform the star fleet, I have another Borg sighting...blast that L -word out of the sky!

Here I am, writing again. It seems to be the best way for me to attempt soothing emotional distress. In this case, heart ache...but that just means that most of my posts are depressing. Sorry about that folks, but we're in for another one of those kind of rides. So I guess I'll just jump right in to it then. Here we go:

I try so hard to be careful and cautious. To take things slow and not rush. To try and guard my heart. I put up these walls to keep people from getting in, yet for some reason the few times I let them down a bit all hell breaks loose and my emotions get stomped on. "The Universe" is kind of a bitch sometimes. No matter how hard I try, I can't get around the fact that love bites, and it bites hard.

...Oh shoot...did I just say love? I've been avoiding that word. Refraining from saying that. But I guess that's pretty much where I'm at again. Damn it. Damn him. Damn feelings. And damn that bloody L-word. It's supposed to be amazing, but I keep finding the harsh kind instead. It sneaks up on you and slips in without warning. It plays games with you, and definitely doesn't play fair most of the time. It's a fickle thing we call love. Wonderful and awful all at the same time. Complicating life for mortal man since it's invention. Both a super hero and a super villain of sorts. ...oh love.

"If I fall, can ya let me down easy? If I leave my heart with you tonight, will you promise me that you're gonna treat it right? I'm barely hangin on, so if I fall, can you let me down easy?" --lyrics from Let Me Down Easy, by Billy Currington

Don't get me wrong, things aren't exactly over just yet. I'm not totally sure what's going to happen with him. With US. But I do know that either way, my heart is aching right now.

I knew that things were different between us, that something had changed, but I tried to keep myself from jumping to conclusions. I could feel it building, but told myself to calm down. I told myself it was probably because we just spent 9 days of 24/7 time together, that it had strained us and would fix itself with a little space. But my intuition told me it was more than that, and as usual my gut feeling was correct.

Maybe it's heading for a heart break. Maybe it's not. It's just one of those things that only time will tell. One thing is for sure, I've developed really strong feelings. And I still care about him, so much; no matter what. Either way, I'll still care. Always. Why'd I have to go and fall so hard? You'd think I'd know better by now! Oh well, it's too late now.

"There's too many things that I haven't done yet. Too many sunsets I haven't seen. You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down. You would've thought by now I'd have learned something." --lyrics from Many the Miles, by Sara Bareilles

So we've decided to kind of play it by ear, and see if we can figure this thing out. But if things keep going like this, I don't see how it can get any better. If we stay stuck in a lack of communication zone, eventually we'll have to take the nearest exit. That's the opposite of what I want, but facts are facts. Things have definitely changed, and unless we can figure out why, or how to fix it, or both...we may have to face those facts.

I'm not sure how it can change like that. We used to talk constantly. For hours on end. About everything. About nothing. It was just comforting to know I always had him in my court. Over the years of friendship, and then trying the something more. I could always tell him anything. I felt safe. Talking to him made me feel better about everything. But I hesitated to jump anyway. I like to be cautious. I don't like to rush. And I knew from the beginning that the distance could be a big deal. That it could be more than a big deal. He was still so sure, it made me start believing we could make it work too...but here we are, in limbo. All of our talk of how we could do this, and how we wanted it so much we'd be able to put the work in for it, blah blah blah...it's just that, talk. Unless we can somehow bounce back from this, and walk the walk too. **shrug**

When the going gets tough, the tough get going? But what if you want to stay? Are you still tough?

"You loved me 'cause I'm fragile. When I thought that I was strong. But you touch me for a little while, and all my fragile strength is gone." --lyrics from Gravity, by Sara Bareilles

How did I get here? I told myself I wasn't going to do this again. Here I am.

"Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love. All my resistance will never be distance enough." --lyrics Wreck of the Day, by Anna Nalick

To quote one of my earlier blog posts, "Love is like the Borg, resistance is futile." That's as true to me now as it was back then.

I didn't want to fall, but I'm here on the floor again. I don't want to just let this go. I want to grasp tightly to it; keep my grip and hang on for dear life. But that won't work. I can't force somebody to be with me. Or to want to be. Either the feelings are still there for both parties, or it's a lost cause. You can't build upon a broken foundation or the structure will crumble. So if it turns out he doesn't feel that way anymore, I'll suck it up. Pick myself up. Brush myself off. And keep on trudging along (somehow). I'm a big girl. I'm tougher than I like to admit. I can pull up my big girl panties and be a grown up. No matter how much I want to make it work, I'm not one to beg (and that would never work anyway. At least not for any kind of quality, strong, meaningful relationship. And if I'm not getting something meaningful, then what's the point in holding on? I want the real deal someday). If that day ever comes...

My only hope is that we can get back to some sort of rhythm with our communication. That would at least help us sort out this jumbled mess of confusion. If we can get back to talking like us again. At least maybe then we could tell what we're doing. Figure out what we really want and/or need. Figure out where to go, or what the right thing to do in this case is. Besides, I miss that as much, if not more, than I miss him. The way we used to talk.

It's funny how the tables have turned, and our roles have switched. In the beginning I was the unsure one, and he was so convinced and certain. Now I'm the sure one, and he's hesitating. The pages turned, just not at the same time. It's like we're reading different parts of the story and trying to read together. Maybe we're stuck on different pages now. I'm sure it's possible to fix, but I don't really know how. Where do you begin?

Now I'm left feeling like a burden.

Feeling torn. Knowing what I want, but not sure if I should even say anything. Wanting desperately to have that person I could tell everything to, but not being able to tell him that. Wondering if I'm like a pest now. Just pestering and bothering. Before the last little while I had never wondered that, never needed to. It was always obvious and apparent exactly how he felt. But it seems his mind has changed.

"Driving away from the wreck of the day. And the light's always red in the rear-view. Desperately close to a coffin of hope, I'd cheat destiny just to be near you. If this is giving up, then I'm giving up. If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up on love, On love." --lyrics from Wreck of the Day, by Anna Nalick

So here I hold my tears at bay.

And I wait. What I'm waiting for is still unknown; but still, wait I must. I can't let go. At least not yet. Don't want to in any case, but I know that it's possible I may have to at some point. So I brace myself for that let down. For that fall to the hard ground. I prepare myself for the goodbye I so badly dread. I know I can handle it, though I don't want to. Won't be easy, but I will get by. That sliver of anticipation remains, letting me hope I won't have to. So I cling to that for the time being.

"When the evening shadows and the stars appear, and there is no one there to dry your tears. I could hold you for a million years, to make you feel my love. I know you haven't made your mind up yet, but I would never do you wrong. I've known it from the moment that we met. No doubt in my mind where you belong." --lyrics from Make You Feel My Love, by Bob Dylan

And here I bring this blog post to a close. Nighty night blog, sleep tight world, or something like that.

Until next time, don't forget to breathe! I'll be here trying to remember that same sentence myself.

Distracted? Who, me? ...oh look a butterfly!

Well, it's been a while since I posted anything. Sorry blogging world. Life has been crazy, to say the least. I've had some wonderful adventures! Life has been good as of late. Also busy and stressful, but really good. Loving the new home, not so much the roommate drama...but such is life. LOVED loved the trip to NYC! And mostly just taking things one day at a time with work and the like.

As per the norm of my blog, there is a new HIM in my life. And he's pretty great. In so many ways. However, I'm a little nervous right now, not knowing what's happening. I mean, I had been freaking out before because...well...we all know my track record lol. But just when I stopped freaking out, and started getting really excited about it, things seemed to change a little in the last week. I'm hoping it's just a coincidence and has to do with other things, and not with me or with us. But never the less, I'm a little nervous. Concerned. Something along those lines. But I've decided to try and stay calm, and to give it a couple weeks to see if things begin feeling more normal again before I say anything. I don't want to stir up any trouble if it's really nothing. I just need to remember to take deep breaths.

I'm really hoping he hasn't been rethinking things, because if that's the case I'm in for another heart break. It seems no matter how hard I try not to, sometimes it's inevitable and I still fall. Yup, I've fallen. Pesky feelings...why must the heart go against logic and the mind!? Oh well. That feeling of falling is kind of fun. And it's life experience. I suppose it's one of those things worth going for, because you never know until you try. Even though it hurts like hell most of the time. Here's hoping...

On an entirely different note...I'm STARVING! And food commercials should be banned. Sorry, guess I'm being a little ADD tonight haha.

So distracted, must be time to wrap this up. So until next time, don't forget to breathe!

I'm off for a movie night. Hopefully it won't be another 3 months until I post again. :) I'll try

The struggle of just loving me (myself and I)

A strange weekend coming to a close. The results of which are me sitting here contemplating on past situations, on life, and on the future. It's interesting how such a small turn of events can cause so much internal turmoil.

My thoughts on the past situation. On the HIM situation. I had wanted so badly to see him once more. To have some closure. To be able to say all the things I had observed and concluded. But I realize that with the conclusions I have come to, it's possibly best to just let go now. Because that closure I'm seeking is probably not there lying in that last goodbye, that last goodbye would probably just make it that much harder instead. It's obvious that his feelings for me have changed. It's clear that he doesn't want to see me, or to discuss anything. At the beginning being with him felt so amazing. Made me feel so amazing. I just knew that he cared. But now I know that he probably does not. Or at least not in the way I once thought. I need to just let myself move on. Let him move on. I wish I knew why letting go was so difficult. Letting go is always the hardest part of any goodbye. Damn those feelings.

"The only solution, is making the conclusion that it's just another lesson in life." --lyrics, You Never Stop Loving Somebody by Big and Rich

I remember when we started off. How thrilling it was to talk to him. Even the simplest conversations were so fulfilling. Everything about him made me feel special. Made me feel loved. And in the end it was the opposite. Every conversation made me feel judged. Made my heart break again and again. Made me feel despised. Like the love had vanished. The way he spoke to me completely changed. It should have made it easy to say goodbye. Say good riddance. Yet even after I had decided that I should just walk away, for some reason I couldn't actually do it. I told myself over and over again that I was done, but honestly I wasn't. I just couldn't manage to be honest with myself. So I just kept lying.

Even now, I so badly just want him to hold me. Want him to kiss me, and tell me that everything is going to be okay. Want him to be here with me in this very moment. If for no other reason than just to sit with me.

"You never stop loving somebody. No matter what you tell yourself. You never stop loving somebody. You just start loving somebody else." --lyrics, You Never Stop Loving Somebody by Big and Rich

I guess it's time for me to try just loving myself.

So this is me letting go. Or at least attempting to. I miss him badly, but I really hope that one day he finds that somebody who belongs in his life. That somebody that makes him feel alive. With feelings that never fade. A girl that's perhaps better suited than me. Apparently we weren't the right fit. But somewhere is his missing puzzle piece. I hope he realizes that he can have that. That he should have that. That he'll let that happen someday, and not lock himself in this nothingness place he seems to be holding up in now. Nobody is perfect, but everybody deserves to find love. I'm not convinced it's there for me, but just the same I hope he finds it out there somewhere. I wish happiness upon him. The future should be bright.

Aside from all the lingering feelings tied to the HIM I have spoken so much of in the past few months, I've managed to make my emotional state an even bigger disaster in the last weekend. There's now a different him to be concerned with. A kiss or two (or a few...something like that) can lead to so much awkwardness. How can you tell if you've thrown away a friendship? How can you tell what damage you've caused? How do you know how big a mistake you made, or if it's actually okay? I miss the way it was with my friend. I miss the way it was, and I don't know if I can have that back. I'm honestly afraid to try and talk to this one now, after the happenings of this weekend. Starting the year off right, with new confusion and frustration. I guess I'll wait, and see. Hopefully the friendship isn't completely damaged from this. Hopefully I won't need to add this to my list of regrets. Hopefully I haven't lost my buddy, my pal. I suppose time will tell. It's only been a couple days, I'll try not to jump to conclusions too quickly. I just have this sinking feeling in my gut. Maybe my instincts about how he feels on the matter are wrong.

On a brighter note, it's the new year. A new beginning. A fresh start.

It's been good in so many ways...new start, new year, new home. So many things to be excited about. I need to focus on that, and stop worrying about these situations. Easier said than done, but it is the time for resolutions after all. Worth a shot at least.

Until next time, don't forget to breathe.

"If I hate you, what does that do? So I breathe in and I count to 10" --lyrics, I Forgive You by Kelly Clarkson

My head is a dandelion, don't let the kids pop it off!

Sitting here, sicker than a dog. Watching the drunks. Pondering life. Trying to forget the day I had. Pretending that my head isn't going to pop off. And wondering what...to do? Wondering what I think? I'm not really sure what I'm wondering, I just know that I'm wondering. I definitely feel like garbage. But I'm definitely excited about the changes that are coming up in my life. For the first time in a long time I'm excited to see what's next. I'm mostly happy to be where I am.

Forever moving forward. Forever moving on. And this time when I say that, it's not with regret. No bitterness. No pretending, or trying to convince myself. Onward I go.

I'm on a big adventure. I'm sad for a few lost moments, and vaguely longing for their return. But ready for the new ones to come. Ready for the next chapter to start, whatever that chapter is.

Ready to be me. And also ready to be un-sick. Wondering how I'm going to survive the morning, and hoping I manage to catch some Z's tonight...that one might be a bit of a challenge. But if anyone can do it, it's probably me.

On that note, don't forget to breathe. Until next time!

Crying over spilled milk

Moving on seems so impossible. How do you move on when letting go is the hardest part? I don't want to move. I know that I should let go, but I can't bring myself to want that. I don't want to think anymore. I shouldn't be allowed to be alone with my own thoughts sometimes, I probably 'ought to have a chaperon. These thoughts are all but killing me. Sometimes I think I may be my own worst enemy.

Arch nemesis = me.

"How long's it gonna take before you see that she's no me? Oh, no." --lyrics Every Time You Lie, by Demi Lovato

Falling in love: well, I know better than to fall, yet here I am sitting on the ground.

There's a reason that I avoid emotional attachment, and this is why. Whenever I get too close it just hurts. Like a moth to the flame, but I get too close and burn. I think my heart has caught fire and is slowly burning; I feel as though I'm burning to ash. Why can't I seem to let this go?

"It's too much pain to have to bear, to love a man you have to share." --lyrics Stay, by Sugarland

Even when you're just sharing him with a memory...it feels as though your world is crumbling down around you.

"And I'll be begging you, baby, beg you not to leave. But I'll be left here waiting, with my heart on my sleeve. Oh, for the next time we'll be here, seems like a million years. And I think I'm dying. What do I have to do to make you see, she can't love you like me?" --lyrics Stay, by Sugarland

So here I'm left. All alone. Alone with myself, with my thoughts, with my arch nemesis. Missing him. Missing us. Missing the nonsensical conversations. Missing his arms around me. Missing the sound of his heartbeat, with my head on his chest. Missing his face. Missing his presence. Wishing that I could be there, in one of those moments again. And also wishing I had never been there at all. All at the same time.

If I hadn't let myself fall, it wouldn't feel like this now.

"And it only hurts when I'm breathing. My heart only breaks when it's beating. My dreams only die when I'm dreaming. So, I hold my breath - to forget." --lyrics It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing, by Shania Twain

I know there's no use in dwelling on things I can't change. I know that there's "no use in crying over spilled milk." But sometimes you just can't help it. So, as the tears come, which they periodically do...I just have to let them fall briefly. Then pick myself up, brush myself off, and try to move forward. Eventually, I won't have to keep getting back up; eventually, I'll just stay up on my feet. Eventually the tears will stop flowing. But until then I guess it's just a process. A process of pain and pretending. So I'll keep moving forward, just pretending that I'm okay. Pretending there isn't a break in my heart. Pretending that moving on is the easy part.

"The truth is, that I miss lyin' in those arms of his. But I don't ever let it show. I laugh and I act like I'm having the time of my life. As far as he knows, it's easy goin' out on a Friday night. Easy, everytime I see him out I can smile, live it up, the way a single girl does. But, what he, what he don't know is how hard it is to make it look so, Easy." --lyrics Easy, by Rascal Flatts and Natasha Bedingfield

Maybe sooner or later I won't have to pretend anymore. Perhaps I can reach the point where it IS easy. But for now, I'll just keep pretending. And onward I go. Forward I go. Once again trying to paint that pretty picture with shards of hope and shattered dreams. Someday I'll have my masterpiece. One day I'll wake up and all the pain I've endured in my life will be nothing but a memory. This moment included. I look forward to the memories...if it will get me away from this place.

It's time to be forging ahead, trying to pick up the rest of the pieces in my life. All the other issues I have in addition to the heartbreak. There is so much more to worry about. So much more indeed. I've just got to try and shift my focus.

My heart, it aches. My heart, it breaks. I'll try to put a band-aid on it, and attempt walking it off. Time keeps moving forward, it waits for no one. And so forward I must go as well. I wouldn't want to miss out on "the meantime". My life is still waiting for me. So I'll paint on the smile for now, and walk on. Experiencing life in the meantime. Everything that happens between now and when I'm finally okay again.

Holding my breath, but trying not to forget breathing.

Just don't forget to breathe.

Is it a time bomb?

"'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love, I'm just falling to pieces. And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up. If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up, On love, On love. And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love, when all my resistance will never be distance enough." --lyrics Wreck Of The Day, by Anna Nalick

...If nothing has even happened yet, then why does it feel as though my heart is already breaking?

"I thought my heart had learned its lesson, it feels so good when you start out. My head is screaming get a grip, girl. Unless you're dying to cry your heart out." --lyrics I Won't Say (I'm In Love), from Disney's Hercules

Here I am, an absolutely jumbled mess of emotions which I just can't seem to sort through. Upset about things I've no right to be upset about, yet unable to stop the frustration from festering. And with this sinking feeling in my gut, I just can't seem to shake it. It's a gloomy place to be. Intuitively concerned, for although it's just a hunch...those gut feelings can often be quite accurate, as much as I hope that it's not.

"Somebody fix me. Fix me from head to toe. You'd better drop a line. Or else you're leaving me out in cold." --lyrics Somebody Fix Me, by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals

I've found myself caught in this tailspin, disoriented and confused; sort of wanting to get rid of this pesky "feelings" business. Heartache comes with no cure, no rhyme or reason, just an ache. The dull throbbing, and yet somehow also sharp (as contradictory as that seems), aching pain. The kind that generates from deep within.

Oh, that bloody heartache.

I've been listening to all this soulful music, thinking to myself "Sing it, sista friend" and realizing that the blues are connected to my soul and speaking to my heart at the moment. I've got the inexplicable, rough, and mysterious...downright un-explainable blues.

"It's hard to believe, it hurts to be in love. If you see the tears, fall from my eyes, you'll have to be in love, to know the reason why. The joy and the pain, that all of us feel, are part of the thing, that makes true love so real." --lyrics It Hurts To Be In Love, by Betty Everett

I'm so tired of these tears streaming down my face. But the more I try to analyze them, the more they continue to fall. I think when I try to stop the tears, instead they fall harder. I feel helpless.

"But then the light comes through the dark, and our questions fall apart. It's just the beating of our hearts and the still of the midnight air. And I get so overwhelmed, till it's hard to tell what I'm thinking. We get down, down, down. We feel sorry for ourselves. We get down, down, down. We all need somebody's help." --lyrics Overwhelmed, by Rachel Platten

I have all these uncontrollable emotions simply from the series of events, alone. Before you take into account these new twinges of doubt. See, when you start to add in the other things it's a little overwhelming. The distance is appearing to grow. The desire on one side seeming to fade? Could that be right? I can't hold this thing together on my own. Am I the only one that still wants it to be intact? This sense of doom hurts so much. I keep thinking that it's more than I can take, but I suppose there's really no such thing as more than I can take. We're never given more than we can handle. Just maybe more than we want to handle. We may feel as though it's more than we can bear; truth is we are capable of managing much more than we're aware.

"Everytime we kiss, you don't know how you steal a piece of my soul. You don't know how it feels to be the one who loves the most. How hard it is not to beg you to stay, then watch you go. Oh, you say it's all in my head, but to me it seems so real. No, you don't know how it feels. You might think you do, but you don't." --lyrics You Don't, by Sara Evans

This little voice in the back of my mind tells me that I need to walk away. But I don't want to. I'm scared to lose you. I'm scared to stay and get hurt. Walking away sounds harder in this moment. The vague urge to leave...I wonder if that's coming from somewhere stable, or just from fear. Where do I go from here? How long do you hang on? When do you know it's time to let go? I don't want to let go, but what if eventually I must? I hope with every fiber of my being that this is not what I worry it is. I suppose time will eventually answer all of my questions. Now it's just a waiting game...

And on that lovely note, I'm off to drown my sorrows in some more music before acquiring slumber.
Until next time, just don't forget to breathe.

Monstrosities running rampant!

Contemplations: that wise crack about the full moon, was it really a joke!? Maybe this whole full moon thing really does make people go crazy. For all I know I could be surrounded by werewolves. But in any case, the last few days have been completely nuts! It seems that just about ALL of the people in my life have been going berserk...perhaps including myself. The elderly folk have been delirious, my friends and coworkers have seemed to be on edge, my family appears to be going bonkers a bit, and all of the clients I'm dealing with have basically been batty. Makes for an interesting week, to say the least. But I can't honestly call it a good kind of interesting ;) lol. I just can't wait for the full moon to pass so things can return to normal! But then again, what is normal really? The moon may have nothing to do with it...but I'm gonna hope for my own sake that this will pass (soon). I do believe I'm coming up on my wits end; which means I'm probably running out of rope too, putting me in danger of plummeting down (down, down).

On the bright side: red velvet cake flavored ice cream, cookies, and smiles can almost turn it all around. Almost. If only for a moment.

I'm not sure of a lot these days, but here's what I am sure of:

1) Lunch breaks are NOT nearly long enough
2) I'm practically the cookie monster (pre-veggie stage)
3) Inside jokes make my life better
4) I'm pretty much just crazy about you
5) I like food entirely too much
6) I'm thankful for the people dear to me in my life (I know that I have great friends, and family)
And last but certainly not least...
7) I'm so beyond ready for the weekend to arrive. Day off? Yes please!!!

Too bad I only get one of those day off things. **sigh** Oh well, I'll survive. (On a side note, every time I say the phrase "I'll survive" I definitely start hearing that song I will survive by Gloria Gaynor start to play in my head. Which makes it a little easier to survive, ironically.)

My lunch break is ending and it's time to get my dreadful butt back to work, time to head back to the office. Even though I'd rather stay here, my bed is looking awfully cozy right about now.

So I guess that will be all for now.
Until next time, don't forget to breathe!!!

The broken shell; the torn girl.

"I remember someone old once said to me: 'That lies will lock you up with truth the only key.' But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell, and couldn't see this place would soon become my hell." --lyrics The Special Two, by Missy Higgins

How did I end up here? I'm still not sure. I don't remember coming or going, and the path seems far from where I stand. It's been a rather mystifying turn of events. I never would have imagined that things would/could turn out in that way, and that order. Somehow, it happened. And here I am. Trying to figure out what to do. Trying to figure out how I feel. And not knowing either one.

"I don't know what I've done. Or if I like what I've begun." --lyrics Where I Stood, by Missy Higgins

"Everything's changin' out of what I know, everywhere I go, I'm a mobile, I'm a mobile. Hangin' from the ceilin', life's a mobile, spinnin' 'round with mixed feelings, crazy and wild. Sometimes, I wanna scream out loud." --lyrics Mobile, by Avril Lavigne

I've been pondering for days, to no end and no conclusion. I still can't seem to muddle through this mess of emotions that exploded within me. I don't know what I think, or what I feel, or what I'm doing. I can't sort myself out. I can't see the big picture anymore. I'm irrevocably lost within myself. All these feelings whipping past me. I can't seem to solidly grab hold of anything anymore. Or at least not right now.

"Why do I rush to slow down? Why do I rush to slow down everything? Will the dice ever roll? When will I ever know? Will the plot ever twist, or will I still resist? I've been playing the part of a lost realist." --lyrics Lost Realist, by Trapt

It's hard to say what will happen next. I didn't expect the happenings that have already occurred to happen, so I guess anything goes at this point. From moment to moment there's just no saying what the possibilities are. But I suppose that's part of the beauty of life, the unpredictable. There's something so satisfying and yet simultaneously frustrating about the uncertainty of time. Lady fate is a devious being. Nobody knows where their own destiny truly lies.

"See I thought love was black and white. That it was wrong or it was right." --lyrics Where I Stood, by Missy Higgins

I don't know exactly how I feel about everything. I don't know how to describe this jumbled mess that I've become. I don't know what I want, or where I'm going anymore. I don't know a lot, but I do know that love is a relentless thing. And of all the things I don't know, I do know that I'm in love. Not quite sure how I ended up there either. Unexpected turn of events in this past short little while. Falling head over heels, is that a problem or a blessing?

"Don't know if this will last. Or if our time will come to pass. I'm not concerned with things like where or when. Don't know if it be wise to call that love there in your eyes. I just know it's good to feel this way again." --lyrics Wise, by Shannon Noll

I'm not sure of much these past few days. But sooner or later I'll be sure again. Sooner or later I'll get control of myself again. The world, the feelings, the confuzzlement, it will all come back into focus and be less confuzzling. Blasted discombobulation. I'm bound to regain my composure, right? Or will this disorientation last a lifetime? Heaven please bless that it isn't a permanent effect. I'm already getting dizzy.

"When you're young you have this image of your life: That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife. You make boundaries you'd never dream to cross, and if you happen to you wake completely lost." --lyrics The Special Two, by Missy Higgins

'Round and 'round we go...the ride is ever running, ever turning. The craziest joy ride ever; life. Grab on, buckle up, hang tight, and see what's around the next bend. Ready or not, here I come. Well, I'm not sure if IT'S ready or not, but I know I'M not. Yet, here I go anyway. I just can't forget to breathe, please don't forget to breathe.

Confessions of the flustered heart

Mis-communication. Concern. Worry. Apprehension. These things just happen, right? How can you know if it's a signal of something more? Some deeper rooted problem, or if it really is just that...a mis-communication? Frustration is a result of this situation. Here I am, frustrated. Confused, yet again. Lonely and upset.

Being an open book is NEVER an easy feat for me, I can't even accomplish that with myself. That's right, the girl can't even read herself. I honestly don't understand the majority of my own feelings. Half the time I don't even know WHAT I am feeling. I know something is there, but what? Yeah, no access to that information. I think I need an updated security clearance card, or something. Trying to explain what's going on inside of my own head, most of the time, is a nearly impossible task. Presently...or at least lately, I've been earnestly trying (adamantly) to be more expressive, because it seemed (seems) important; seemed (seems) worth it. That strong adoration motivating me through this difficult task. So how is it that I now must always openly express my thoughts and feelings, my mind, or I'm being difficult? Somebody can totally shut themselves off, and repeatedly avoid discussions of their own deepest thoughts/fears/concerns, but the moment I do something even remotely similar I'm being unfair. Well, don't wonder why I can't understand what's going on, when it seems as if I'm not allowed to discuss my concerns about the situation. Perhaps I should I just let my worry and fret fester on the inside instead. Somehow that plan seems skewed as well.

"Cap'n! More frustration coming in! Off the starboard side!" "Somebody, MAN THE PORTCULLIS!!!"

And so, here I'm left wondering what to do. Why can't there be a clear course of action? I find myself torn. I just want to get in my car, and drive straight there, to the source of distress. I also just want to curl up into a ball and go to sleep...but that could just be the lack of sleep talking on that one. My spidey senses are tingling, I only wish that I knew what they were trying to tell me. I swear they speak a different language, I wonder if I could get a refund...or perhaps exchange them for a different, and easier to use version, because mine seem to cause me more turbulence than smooth sailing. Pretty sure that's not the point of the warning they intend to offer...stupid spidey senses.

I hate it when I know what I want to say, and I know what I think I mean, yet I can't seem to accurately and eloquently express it. Everything seems to come out jumbled. I never wanted to cause any grief, yet somehow have managed to do exactly that. Once again, I managed to botch things up. Smooth, really smooth. Perceiving the hint of a problem sometimes turns into a bigger problem. I guess trying to avoid some things is inevitable. Funny (not funny ha-ha) how quickly the mood of a bond can change. Going from counting down the seconds until that next moment, to wondering if there even IS going to be a next moment.

As little as a day ago, I was consumed with a fluttering heart beat, giddiness, and basically just all around twitter-pation. For lack of a better word, passion. Today, all these symptoms remain, but apprehension (and nearly guilt) suddenly are interfering with the manifestation of them. I'm craving that untamed, non-blemished, non-corrupted passionate sensation. That feeling of desperately wanting. And that's how I feel...whether I like it or not. I can't ignore it. I am twitter-pated. Smitten. Let's face it, I'm enamored with you and your charms. Damn it. Love certainly is a fickle thing. And here's one of those million dollar questions: why can't affection just be simple??

And I leave you to mull that over, as I momentarily continue to delve through my own search of answers in this personal sea of melancholy.

Just don't forget to breathe.

Discombobulation

I haven't really had much time to sit and blog lately, let alone even just sit and think. I don't even know where to begin. Couldn't tell you what I'm thinking if I tried. My mind is racing, yet there are no traces of focused thought to be found. I don't know where I am, or where I'm going. I'm not entirely sure how I got here. Just, somehow...I ended up in this lonely field of dark bewilderment. Lost and confused; disoriented.

I was done. Just done. Sick of trying. Sick of failing. Sick of the whole game. Content with my solitude. Now I'm not so sure...

Hesitation has been my companion in the past few weeks. I'm scared. Terrified. Scared to move forward. Scared to move backward. Scared to try, yet again. Scared to not try. Scared to put my heart and soul, to put MYSELF on the line. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is a good idea in theory, but when actually executed the theory turns into a great potential for pain. But then there's that whole, you never know unless you try, thing. And who wants to live with regret of not trying?

"How many times can I break 'till I shatter? Over the line, can't define what I'm after." --lyrics, Shattered by O.A.R.

So my defense mechanism of choice, became hesitation. Isolation. I kept trying to hide myself. Hide my heart. Bottle my emotions up, and lock them safe on a shelf in a jar...where they can do no damage. No damage to me, no damage to anyone else. No harm, no foul. The trouble is, I can't seem to pull it off. I don't mean to let people in; for the most part I don't let people in, at all. But every once in a while, someone manages to traverse my defenses and leave me feeling discombobulated.

And here I am. How did I get here? Suddenly I find myself beyond that point of intrigued. My heart all a flutter. Wondering what could become of this; where this thing could go. Contemplating the time old question: What if? Here I am, hurdling my own defenses. Now I'm outside of the ivory tower. Outside my own emotional wall perimeters. And for what? How did I get here? When did I jump? Plunging, on my own, into the center of that bewildering field. That "no ends to be seen on the horizon" lonely field. Cold and defenseless. Feeling vulnerable. Emotionally exposed. And now that same fear which had somehow magically melted away (I suppose, with all those warm moments), yeah, it's starting to sink in again. I'm left sitting here, a bit anxious and distraught. Dreading the conclusions, too afraid to find out what's going to happen. But too anxious to wait for the answers, and almost needing to know now. Torn. Contradicting myself. Yep, here I am.

At least I have plenty of distractions to ease the worry as I wait. Perhaps I'll start looking for a way back inside my emotional barricades...could be soothing to lock myself up again. In the mean time, life goes on. Here's to taking it one day at a time! :) Onward, ever onward. Life is forever moving on. Ready or not, here I come!

And until next time, don't forget to breathe!

My cruel temptress, isolation...?

Why is it that I always feel the need to write something when I should be sleeping? Maybe it's the sleep deprivation that inspires me? Or maybe that's why all my posts are complete rubbish! lol In any case, I felt the urge to write something, so here I sit, and here I shall write (or rather, type)...fingers, away!

So, lately I've been feeling all sorts of torn and confused. I rather dislike this state of mind/emotion. I don't like feeling...lost. What do I do? What am I doing? What does this mean? Where do I go from here? All of that. Yeah. It's not okay. I hope I sort through this soon, but I probably won't.

"Have you lost your way? Living in the shadow of the messes that you made?" --Lyrics from the song Aftermath by Adam Lambert

I've spent a lot of time building up walls around my heart; around my soul. Hoping frantically that if I lock people out, I'll be able to lock the opportunity of heartache out as well. Instead all it does is keep me trapped. That's not exactly what I was going for...

"I've spent my whole life building up this ivory tower. And now that I'm in it, I keep wishing it would fall." --Lyrics from the song I want to Live by Josh Gracin

See now, I've gotten really good at remaining emotionally detached. Building up these boundaries that I don't cross. Not letting people into my realm, at least not completely. By keeping them at a safe distance, I am somehow trying to keep my chances of pain at a safe distance, too. This way, if I get "hurt" I'm more just annoyed/irritated than actually hurt. I can deal with irritation a lot better than devastation. Better than...broken. But what happens when I'm already emotionally invested, and it's too late for my walls to protect me? That's when the temptation to bolt starts coming in...and I am left wondering if I should keep resisting the urge to run, or if I should just give in?? If I try, I could break. If I run, I could break. Why am I suddenly so fragile? The world always tries to tell me that I'm strong, and I've never agreed. Is this my proof that I must be weak? Somehow I don't think that's right either.

Here I am. Completely scared. Feeling a little lost and confused. Not quite sure where I'm going, or what I'm scared of. Or even if there IS anything to be scared of. Not entirely sure what is happening, but knowing that I'm suddenly little more than a leaf fluttering in the Autumn wind. Just another girl, at the mercy of fate. Waiting to see where my destiny lies. Waiting to see where my life leads me. Hoping that I can learn to follow the ques the way that I should. Victim only to myself, it seems. Or is there more to it than that? Seeing as how, things are never so simple, I'm sure that there must be more to it than that.

I sure wish I knew what it was that my heart was trying to tell me, because I'm afraid I just don't speak the language of blood pumping organs. Tragic, I know. I'd be better off deciphering gibberish.

"You say you have to leave, And put your heart on a shelf. What taught you that you've gotta run? What inspires this fear? When you start to feel something real, You always disappear." --Lyrics from the song Disappear by Stephen Speaks
(I think this one may be about me, just a tad bit. Sometimes. Just sayin'...or else I just have a lot in common with this girl lol)

Okay, I think that's enough ranting for now. Time to rest these little fingers, and hopefully this little mind as well. I really need some sleep. Try to ward of this lingering sickness that's hanging over my head, I hear sleep helps with that sort of thing ;)

Until next time, just don't forget to breathe. And I'll try to keep that one up myself.