My head is a dandelion, don't let the kids pop it off!

Sitting here, sicker than a dog. Watching the drunks. Pondering life. Trying to forget the day I had. Pretending that my head isn't going to pop off. And wondering what...to do? Wondering what I think? I'm not really sure what I'm wondering, I just know that I'm wondering. I definitely feel like garbage. But I'm definitely excited about the changes that are coming up in my life. For the first time in a long time I'm excited to see what's next. I'm mostly happy to be where I am.

Forever moving forward. Forever moving on. And this time when I say that, it's not with regret. No bitterness. No pretending, or trying to convince myself. Onward I go.

I'm on a big adventure. I'm sad for a few lost moments, and vaguely longing for their return. But ready for the new ones to come. Ready for the next chapter to start, whatever that chapter is.

Ready to be me. And also ready to be un-sick. Wondering how I'm going to survive the morning, and hoping I manage to catch some Z's tonight...that one might be a bit of a challenge. But if anyone can do it, it's probably me.

On that note, don't forget to breathe. Until next time!

Crying over spilled milk

Moving on seems so impossible. How do you move on when letting go is the hardest part? I don't want to move. I know that I should let go, but I can't bring myself to want that. I don't want to think anymore. I shouldn't be allowed to be alone with my own thoughts sometimes, I probably 'ought to have a chaperon. These thoughts are all but killing me. Sometimes I think I may be my own worst enemy.

Arch nemesis = me.

"How long's it gonna take before you see that she's no me? Oh, no." --lyrics Every Time You Lie, by Demi Lovato

Falling in love: well, I know better than to fall, yet here I am sitting on the ground.

There's a reason that I avoid emotional attachment, and this is why. Whenever I get too close it just hurts. Like a moth to the flame, but I get too close and burn. I think my heart has caught fire and is slowly burning; I feel as though I'm burning to ash. Why can't I seem to let this go?

"It's too much pain to have to bear, to love a man you have to share." --lyrics Stay, by Sugarland

Even when you're just sharing him with a memory...it feels as though your world is crumbling down around you.

"And I'll be begging you, baby, beg you not to leave. But I'll be left here waiting, with my heart on my sleeve. Oh, for the next time we'll be here, seems like a million years. And I think I'm dying. What do I have to do to make you see, she can't love you like me?" --lyrics Stay, by Sugarland

So here I'm left. All alone. Alone with myself, with my thoughts, with my arch nemesis. Missing him. Missing us. Missing the nonsensical conversations. Missing his arms around me. Missing the sound of his heartbeat, with my head on his chest. Missing his face. Missing his presence. Wishing that I could be there, in one of those moments again. And also wishing I had never been there at all. All at the same time.

If I hadn't let myself fall, it wouldn't feel like this now.

"And it only hurts when I'm breathing. My heart only breaks when it's beating. My dreams only die when I'm dreaming. So, I hold my breath - to forget." --lyrics It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing, by Shania Twain

I know there's no use in dwelling on things I can't change. I know that there's "no use in crying over spilled milk." But sometimes you just can't help it. So, as the tears come, which they periodically do...I just have to let them fall briefly. Then pick myself up, brush myself off, and try to move forward. Eventually, I won't have to keep getting back up; eventually, I'll just stay up on my feet. Eventually the tears will stop flowing. But until then I guess it's just a process. A process of pain and pretending. So I'll keep moving forward, just pretending that I'm okay. Pretending there isn't a break in my heart. Pretending that moving on is the easy part.

"The truth is, that I miss lyin' in those arms of his. But I don't ever let it show. I laugh and I act like I'm having the time of my life. As far as he knows, it's easy goin' out on a Friday night. Easy, everytime I see him out I can smile, live it up, the way a single girl does. But, what he, what he don't know is how hard it is to make it look so, Easy." --lyrics Easy, by Rascal Flatts and Natasha Bedingfield

Maybe sooner or later I won't have to pretend anymore. Perhaps I can reach the point where it IS easy. But for now, I'll just keep pretending. And onward I go. Forward I go. Once again trying to paint that pretty picture with shards of hope and shattered dreams. Someday I'll have my masterpiece. One day I'll wake up and all the pain I've endured in my life will be nothing but a memory. This moment included. I look forward to the memories...if it will get me away from this place.

It's time to be forging ahead, trying to pick up the rest of the pieces in my life. All the other issues I have in addition to the heartbreak. There is so much more to worry about. So much more indeed. I've just got to try and shift my focus.

My heart, it aches. My heart, it breaks. I'll try to put a band-aid on it, and attempt walking it off. Time keeps moving forward, it waits for no one. And so forward I must go as well. I wouldn't want to miss out on "the meantime". My life is still waiting for me. So I'll paint on the smile for now, and walk on. Experiencing life in the meantime. Everything that happens between now and when I'm finally okay again.

Holding my breath, but trying not to forget breathing.

Just don't forget to breathe.

Is it a time bomb?

"'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love, I'm just falling to pieces. And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up. If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up, On love, On love. And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love, when all my resistance will never be distance enough." --lyrics Wreck Of The Day, by Anna Nalick

...If nothing has even happened yet, then why does it feel as though my heart is already breaking?

"I thought my heart had learned its lesson, it feels so good when you start out. My head is screaming get a grip, girl. Unless you're dying to cry your heart out." --lyrics I Won't Say (I'm In Love), from Disney's Hercules

Here I am, an absolutely jumbled mess of emotions which I just can't seem to sort through. Upset about things I've no right to be upset about, yet unable to stop the frustration from festering. And with this sinking feeling in my gut, I just can't seem to shake it. It's a gloomy place to be. Intuitively concerned, for although it's just a hunch...those gut feelings can often be quite accurate, as much as I hope that it's not.

"Somebody fix me. Fix me from head to toe. You'd better drop a line. Or else you're leaving me out in cold." --lyrics Somebody Fix Me, by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals

I've found myself caught in this tailspin, disoriented and confused; sort of wanting to get rid of this pesky "feelings" business. Heartache comes with no cure, no rhyme or reason, just an ache. The dull throbbing, and yet somehow also sharp (as contradictory as that seems), aching pain. The kind that generates from deep within.

Oh, that bloody heartache.

I've been listening to all this soulful music, thinking to myself "Sing it, sista friend" and realizing that the blues are connected to my soul and speaking to my heart at the moment. I've got the inexplicable, rough, and mysterious...downright un-explainable blues.

"It's hard to believe, it hurts to be in love. If you see the tears, fall from my eyes, you'll have to be in love, to know the reason why. The joy and the pain, that all of us feel, are part of the thing, that makes true love so real." --lyrics It Hurts To Be In Love, by Betty Everett

I'm so tired of these tears streaming down my face. But the more I try to analyze them, the more they continue to fall. I think when I try to stop the tears, instead they fall harder. I feel helpless.

"But then the light comes through the dark, and our questions fall apart. It's just the beating of our hearts and the still of the midnight air. And I get so overwhelmed, till it's hard to tell what I'm thinking. We get down, down, down. We feel sorry for ourselves. We get down, down, down. We all need somebody's help." --lyrics Overwhelmed, by Rachel Platten

I have all these uncontrollable emotions simply from the series of events, alone. Before you take into account these new twinges of doubt. See, when you start to add in the other things it's a little overwhelming. The distance is appearing to grow. The desire on one side seeming to fade? Could that be right? I can't hold this thing together on my own. Am I the only one that still wants it to be intact? This sense of doom hurts so much. I keep thinking that it's more than I can take, but I suppose there's really no such thing as more than I can take. We're never given more than we can handle. Just maybe more than we want to handle. We may feel as though it's more than we can bear; truth is we are capable of managing much more than we're aware.

"Everytime we kiss, you don't know how you steal a piece of my soul. You don't know how it feels to be the one who loves the most. How hard it is not to beg you to stay, then watch you go. Oh, you say it's all in my head, but to me it seems so real. No, you don't know how it feels. You might think you do, but you don't." --lyrics You Don't, by Sara Evans

This little voice in the back of my mind tells me that I need to walk away. But I don't want to. I'm scared to lose you. I'm scared to stay and get hurt. Walking away sounds harder in this moment. The vague urge to leave...I wonder if that's coming from somewhere stable, or just from fear. Where do I go from here? How long do you hang on? When do you know it's time to let go? I don't want to let go, but what if eventually I must? I hope with every fiber of my being that this is not what I worry it is. I suppose time will eventually answer all of my questions. Now it's just a waiting game...

And on that lovely note, I'm off to drown my sorrows in some more music before acquiring slumber.
Until next time, just don't forget to breathe.

Monstrosities running rampant!

Contemplations: that wise crack about the full moon, was it really a joke!? Maybe this whole full moon thing really does make people go crazy. For all I know I could be surrounded by werewolves. But in any case, the last few days have been completely nuts! It seems that just about ALL of the people in my life have been going berserk...perhaps including myself. The elderly folk have been delirious, my friends and coworkers have seemed to be on edge, my family appears to be going bonkers a bit, and all of the clients I'm dealing with have basically been batty. Makes for an interesting week, to say the least. But I can't honestly call it a good kind of interesting ;) lol. I just can't wait for the full moon to pass so things can return to normal! But then again, what is normal really? The moon may have nothing to do with it...but I'm gonna hope for my own sake that this will pass (soon). I do believe I'm coming up on my wits end; which means I'm probably running out of rope too, putting me in danger of plummeting down (down, down).

On the bright side: red velvet cake flavored ice cream, cookies, and smiles can almost turn it all around. Almost. If only for a moment.

I'm not sure of a lot these days, but here's what I am sure of:

1) Lunch breaks are NOT nearly long enough
2) I'm practically the cookie monster (pre-veggie stage)
3) Inside jokes make my life better
4) I'm pretty much just crazy about you
5) I like food entirely too much
6) I'm thankful for the people dear to me in my life (I know that I have great friends, and family)
And last but certainly not least...
7) I'm so beyond ready for the weekend to arrive. Day off? Yes please!!!

Too bad I only get one of those day off things. **sigh** Oh well, I'll survive. (On a side note, every time I say the phrase "I'll survive" I definitely start hearing that song I will survive by Gloria Gaynor start to play in my head. Which makes it a little easier to survive, ironically.)

My lunch break is ending and it's time to get my dreadful butt back to work, time to head back to the office. Even though I'd rather stay here, my bed is looking awfully cozy right about now.

So I guess that will be all for now.
Until next time, don't forget to breathe!!!

The broken shell; the torn girl.

"I remember someone old once said to me: 'That lies will lock you up with truth the only key.' But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell, and couldn't see this place would soon become my hell." --lyrics The Special Two, by Missy Higgins

How did I end up here? I'm still not sure. I don't remember coming or going, and the path seems far from where I stand. It's been a rather mystifying turn of events. I never would have imagined that things would/could turn out in that way, and that order. Somehow, it happened. And here I am. Trying to figure out what to do. Trying to figure out how I feel. And not knowing either one.

"I don't know what I've done. Or if I like what I've begun." --lyrics Where I Stood, by Missy Higgins

"Everything's changin' out of what I know, everywhere I go, I'm a mobile, I'm a mobile. Hangin' from the ceilin', life's a mobile, spinnin' 'round with mixed feelings, crazy and wild. Sometimes, I wanna scream out loud." --lyrics Mobile, by Avril Lavigne

I've been pondering for days, to no end and no conclusion. I still can't seem to muddle through this mess of emotions that exploded within me. I don't know what I think, or what I feel, or what I'm doing. I can't sort myself out. I can't see the big picture anymore. I'm irrevocably lost within myself. All these feelings whipping past me. I can't seem to solidly grab hold of anything anymore. Or at least not right now.

"Why do I rush to slow down? Why do I rush to slow down everything? Will the dice ever roll? When will I ever know? Will the plot ever twist, or will I still resist? I've been playing the part of a lost realist." --lyrics Lost Realist, by Trapt

It's hard to say what will happen next. I didn't expect the happenings that have already occurred to happen, so I guess anything goes at this point. From moment to moment there's just no saying what the possibilities are. But I suppose that's part of the beauty of life, the unpredictable. There's something so satisfying and yet simultaneously frustrating about the uncertainty of time. Lady fate is a devious being. Nobody knows where their own destiny truly lies.

"See I thought love was black and white. That it was wrong or it was right." --lyrics Where I Stood, by Missy Higgins

I don't know exactly how I feel about everything. I don't know how to describe this jumbled mess that I've become. I don't know what I want, or where I'm going anymore. I don't know a lot, but I do know that love is a relentless thing. And of all the things I don't know, I do know that I'm in love. Not quite sure how I ended up there either. Unexpected turn of events in this past short little while. Falling head over heels, is that a problem or a blessing?

"Don't know if this will last. Or if our time will come to pass. I'm not concerned with things like where or when. Don't know if it be wise to call that love there in your eyes. I just know it's good to feel this way again." --lyrics Wise, by Shannon Noll

I'm not sure of much these past few days. But sooner or later I'll be sure again. Sooner or later I'll get control of myself again. The world, the feelings, the confuzzlement, it will all come back into focus and be less confuzzling. Blasted discombobulation. I'm bound to regain my composure, right? Or will this disorientation last a lifetime? Heaven please bless that it isn't a permanent effect. I'm already getting dizzy.

"When you're young you have this image of your life: That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife. You make boundaries you'd never dream to cross, and if you happen to you wake completely lost." --lyrics The Special Two, by Missy Higgins

'Round and 'round we go...the ride is ever running, ever turning. The craziest joy ride ever; life. Grab on, buckle up, hang tight, and see what's around the next bend. Ready or not, here I come. Well, I'm not sure if IT'S ready or not, but I know I'M not. Yet, here I go anyway. I just can't forget to breathe, please don't forget to breathe.

Confessions of the flustered heart

Mis-communication. Concern. Worry. Apprehension. These things just happen, right? How can you know if it's a signal of something more? Some deeper rooted problem, or if it really is just that...a mis-communication? Frustration is a result of this situation. Here I am, frustrated. Confused, yet again. Lonely and upset.

Being an open book is NEVER an easy feat for me, I can't even accomplish that with myself. That's right, the girl can't even read herself. I honestly don't understand the majority of my own feelings. Half the time I don't even know WHAT I am feeling. I know something is there, but what? Yeah, no access to that information. I think I need an updated security clearance card, or something. Trying to explain what's going on inside of my own head, most of the time, is a nearly impossible task. Presently...or at least lately, I've been earnestly trying (adamantly) to be more expressive, because it seemed (seems) important; seemed (seems) worth it. That strong adoration motivating me through this difficult task. So how is it that I now must always openly express my thoughts and feelings, my mind, or I'm being difficult? Somebody can totally shut themselves off, and repeatedly avoid discussions of their own deepest thoughts/fears/concerns, but the moment I do something even remotely similar I'm being unfair. Well, don't wonder why I can't understand what's going on, when it seems as if I'm not allowed to discuss my concerns about the situation. Perhaps I should I just let my worry and fret fester on the inside instead. Somehow that plan seems skewed as well.

"Cap'n! More frustration coming in! Off the starboard side!" "Somebody, MAN THE PORTCULLIS!!!"

And so, here I'm left wondering what to do. Why can't there be a clear course of action? I find myself torn. I just want to get in my car, and drive straight there, to the source of distress. I also just want to curl up into a ball and go to sleep...but that could just be the lack of sleep talking on that one. My spidey senses are tingling, I only wish that I knew what they were trying to tell me. I swear they speak a different language, I wonder if I could get a refund...or perhaps exchange them for a different, and easier to use version, because mine seem to cause me more turbulence than smooth sailing. Pretty sure that's not the point of the warning they intend to offer...stupid spidey senses.

I hate it when I know what I want to say, and I know what I think I mean, yet I can't seem to accurately and eloquently express it. Everything seems to come out jumbled. I never wanted to cause any grief, yet somehow have managed to do exactly that. Once again, I managed to botch things up. Smooth, really smooth. Perceiving the hint of a problem sometimes turns into a bigger problem. I guess trying to avoid some things is inevitable. Funny (not funny ha-ha) how quickly the mood of a bond can change. Going from counting down the seconds until that next moment, to wondering if there even IS going to be a next moment.

As little as a day ago, I was consumed with a fluttering heart beat, giddiness, and basically just all around twitter-pation. For lack of a better word, passion. Today, all these symptoms remain, but apprehension (and nearly guilt) suddenly are interfering with the manifestation of them. I'm craving that untamed, non-blemished, non-corrupted passionate sensation. That feeling of desperately wanting. And that's how I feel...whether I like it or not. I can't ignore it. I am twitter-pated. Smitten. Let's face it, I'm enamored with you and your charms. Damn it. Love certainly is a fickle thing. And here's one of those million dollar questions: why can't affection just be simple??

And I leave you to mull that over, as I momentarily continue to delve through my own search of answers in this personal sea of melancholy.

Just don't forget to breathe.

Discombobulation

I haven't really had much time to sit and blog lately, let alone even just sit and think. I don't even know where to begin. Couldn't tell you what I'm thinking if I tried. My mind is racing, yet there are no traces of focused thought to be found. I don't know where I am, or where I'm going. I'm not entirely sure how I got here. Just, somehow...I ended up in this lonely field of dark bewilderment. Lost and confused; disoriented.

I was done. Just done. Sick of trying. Sick of failing. Sick of the whole game. Content with my solitude. Now I'm not so sure...

Hesitation has been my companion in the past few weeks. I'm scared. Terrified. Scared to move forward. Scared to move backward. Scared to try, yet again. Scared to not try. Scared to put my heart and soul, to put MYSELF on the line. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is a good idea in theory, but when actually executed the theory turns into a great potential for pain. But then there's that whole, you never know unless you try, thing. And who wants to live with regret of not trying?

"How many times can I break 'till I shatter? Over the line, can't define what I'm after." --lyrics, Shattered by O.A.R.

So my defense mechanism of choice, became hesitation. Isolation. I kept trying to hide myself. Hide my heart. Bottle my emotions up, and lock them safe on a shelf in a jar...where they can do no damage. No damage to me, no damage to anyone else. No harm, no foul. The trouble is, I can't seem to pull it off. I don't mean to let people in; for the most part I don't let people in, at all. But every once in a while, someone manages to traverse my defenses and leave me feeling discombobulated.

And here I am. How did I get here? Suddenly I find myself beyond that point of intrigued. My heart all a flutter. Wondering what could become of this; where this thing could go. Contemplating the time old question: What if? Here I am, hurdling my own defenses. Now I'm outside of the ivory tower. Outside my own emotional wall perimeters. And for what? How did I get here? When did I jump? Plunging, on my own, into the center of that bewildering field. That "no ends to be seen on the horizon" lonely field. Cold and defenseless. Feeling vulnerable. Emotionally exposed. And now that same fear which had somehow magically melted away (I suppose, with all those warm moments), yeah, it's starting to sink in again. I'm left sitting here, a bit anxious and distraught. Dreading the conclusions, too afraid to find out what's going to happen. But too anxious to wait for the answers, and almost needing to know now. Torn. Contradicting myself. Yep, here I am.

At least I have plenty of distractions to ease the worry as I wait. Perhaps I'll start looking for a way back inside my emotional barricades...could be soothing to lock myself up again. In the mean time, life goes on. Here's to taking it one day at a time! :) Onward, ever onward. Life is forever moving on. Ready or not, here I come!

And until next time, don't forget to breathe!

My cruel temptress, isolation...?

Why is it that I always feel the need to write something when I should be sleeping? Maybe it's the sleep deprivation that inspires me? Or maybe that's why all my posts are complete rubbish! lol In any case, I felt the urge to write something, so here I sit, and here I shall write (or rather, type)...fingers, away!

So, lately I've been feeling all sorts of torn and confused. I rather dislike this state of mind/emotion. I don't like feeling...lost. What do I do? What am I doing? What does this mean? Where do I go from here? All of that. Yeah. It's not okay. I hope I sort through this soon, but I probably won't.

"Have you lost your way? Living in the shadow of the messes that you made?" --Lyrics from the song Aftermath by Adam Lambert

I've spent a lot of time building up walls around my heart; around my soul. Hoping frantically that if I lock people out, I'll be able to lock the opportunity of heartache out as well. Instead all it does is keep me trapped. That's not exactly what I was going for...

"I've spent my whole life building up this ivory tower. And now that I'm in it, I keep wishing it would fall." --Lyrics from the song I want to Live by Josh Gracin

See now, I've gotten really good at remaining emotionally detached. Building up these boundaries that I don't cross. Not letting people into my realm, at least not completely. By keeping them at a safe distance, I am somehow trying to keep my chances of pain at a safe distance, too. This way, if I get "hurt" I'm more just annoyed/irritated than actually hurt. I can deal with irritation a lot better than devastation. Better than...broken. But what happens when I'm already emotionally invested, and it's too late for my walls to protect me? That's when the temptation to bolt starts coming in...and I am left wondering if I should keep resisting the urge to run, or if I should just give in?? If I try, I could break. If I run, I could break. Why am I suddenly so fragile? The world always tries to tell me that I'm strong, and I've never agreed. Is this my proof that I must be weak? Somehow I don't think that's right either.

Here I am. Completely scared. Feeling a little lost and confused. Not quite sure where I'm going, or what I'm scared of. Or even if there IS anything to be scared of. Not entirely sure what is happening, but knowing that I'm suddenly little more than a leaf fluttering in the Autumn wind. Just another girl, at the mercy of fate. Waiting to see where my destiny lies. Waiting to see where my life leads me. Hoping that I can learn to follow the ques the way that I should. Victim only to myself, it seems. Or is there more to it than that? Seeing as how, things are never so simple, I'm sure that there must be more to it than that.

I sure wish I knew what it was that my heart was trying to tell me, because I'm afraid I just don't speak the language of blood pumping organs. Tragic, I know. I'd be better off deciphering gibberish.

"You say you have to leave, And put your heart on a shelf. What taught you that you've gotta run? What inspires this fear? When you start to feel something real, You always disappear." --Lyrics from the song Disappear by Stephen Speaks
(I think this one may be about me, just a tad bit. Sometimes. Just sayin'...or else I just have a lot in common with this girl lol)

Okay, I think that's enough ranting for now. Time to rest these little fingers, and hopefully this little mind as well. I really need some sleep. Try to ward of this lingering sickness that's hanging over my head, I hear sleep helps with that sort of thing ;)

Until next time, just don't forget to breathe. And I'll try to keep that one up myself.

Where's your water wings, biotch?!?

I wonder, is it possible to be standing at a crossroads without knowing what the roads are? Here I stand, err...sit...with several decisions before me. All of them very different, and having nothing to do with each other, yet somehow mysteriously linked.

Can't wait to see where this life of mine takes me. Anywhere but here, I'm ready to move forward now. Frustrated without frustration. Not that this comment makes any bit of sense in the slightest.

Basically, I have no idea where I'm standing, and no idea where I'm going...but ready to go. I don't even know what this means, I just know that this is.

Sometimes it's so hard to express myself, who I am, what I think, what I feel. Yeah...especially that last one. I think I have the hardest time expressing what I feel. Feelings somehow have a way of eluding my grasp in words.

Blast those fickle emotions.

This crazy little thing called life sure is an interesting experience. Onward, forward, forever moving on. Some of those moments you just want to pause and hold on to forever, others you just want to fast forward through and skip to the next. The harsh reality is that we can't do either.

All we can do is live. All we can do is exist. Just float. I may need to invest in some water wings. Now if only I could figure out what the equivalent of those are in life! haha

Until next time, don't forget to breath.

Runnin on empty

Running, running, running...out of steam? At the rate I'm going here (in overdrive), I'm bound to burn out soon. But the real question is how long will I be able to keep this up for, a real good question indeed. At least when I'm so blasted busy, I don't have time to be depressed, right? I certainly don't have time to dwell or focus on my life's problems. Doesn't make them go away, but at least I'm too distracted to notice much. 3 jobs...I got this. However, I want to take a couple of days off before this summer is over. There are a couple of things, that I absolutely want to do this season. #1 spend a day at the zoo. I absolutely want to do this asap! I need to take a day off, and find somebody willing to go and do this with me. #2 spend a day at Lagoon. I haven't been in a while, and I feel like I'm ready for another Lagoon day. But when? When am I going to squeeze this in? And who am I going to go with? Hmmm....oh well. I'll figure it out soon, I hope.

I am exhausted, and full of energy at the same time. I'm not sure exactly how that works. But hey, if anybody can pull off the walking contradiction thing, it's me. Can has nap? Oh wait, no I can't. I have another job to go to after this one today. Then girl's night after that. Running, running, running...out of steam. Yup, that's me. Living life on the run for a while here. Maybe I'll develop mad 007 driving skillz. That'd be pretty nifty. Vroom vroom. That's one way to save time, eh? haha

So here I sit at work, probably shouldn't be blogging, but blogging I am. No deep, life revelation thoughts. Just...nothing? I don't know how to describe that feeling of nothing on my mind. It's almost a restless feeling, because it's not fully a nothing kind of nothing. It's more like a "I can't figure out what it is" kind of nothing. There's something there, I'm just not quite sure what. I hate that. Maybe this black dye seeped through my scalp, and into my skull, contaminating my brain? That's it! It's because my hair is black now. Next my thoughts. Then my soul. Dun dun dun...blackest black, blacker than the night...or something like that. Or you know, maybe not. Maybe it's nothing like that at all. **shrug**

Pandora radio take me away. I've only got 2 1/2 hrs left...then off to the next one. That's not bad. I can do this. And the new system at work seems to be up and working. Bugs are hopefully all worked out now. Here's to a smooth rest of the shift. Until next time, don't forget to breath.

Confessions of an admitted emotion bottler...aka me

Probably the worst feature about being an emotion bottler, is that moment of discovery when you realize that you aren't actually "over it" on something that you had told yourself you were done with.

I honestly did think that I was past it. That I was over it. That I didn't care anymore. Turns out that I was wrong. It's funny how quickly the tides can change, not funny ha ha but funny peculiar. Actually, funny is the wrong word because any implication of funny ha ha would be very misleading. It's not funny at all. It's rather unfortunate.

Moments in life can bring such clarity to a briefly lost desire. And it's amazing how such clarity, can be so disconcerting. Superman has a fortress of solitude, perhaps that's what I need too. The only problem with that plan is that solitude leaves more opportunity for dwelling within this confusion.

"I got another night to get through, the only thing missing is you." --Lyrics, Only Thing Missing by Shannon Noll

I suppose it makes sense though, it's kind of difficult to work through a feeling if you're too busy repressing it. Probably not the best course of action for moving on. 'Aye aye cap'n...man the portcullis! They'll never be able to infiltrate our defenses sir!' But that kind of strategy also leaves a heart stagnant instead of just protected. Yet, even as I speak...write...these words, and acknowledge the truth in them, I can still feel myself adding another layer of brick onto the good ol' fortress of solitude here. Keep on hiding inside this tower of denial, that will work. Yeah, that will work real good.

Keep on pressing "forward". Just keep on filling the spaces of time with something. Anything. Work a few more shifts, a few more days. Keep busy when the work isn't there. If you're drowning in your own life you won't feel the sting of that thing you aren't over yet. I wonder if that was some sort of a subconscious factor in my current schedule. Did I do this to keep from feeling this way again? If I did, the plan must not have been constructed too well. I have rediscovered the buried feeling, despite the lack of free time. I do feel like I might burn out soon, from being so busy...but soon will probably be a while away still. I'm too stubborn to give it up just yet. 3 jobs, no problem. I guess I should probably be more realistic, it's technically only 2 1/2 jobs. Big difference, right? lol

Trying to maintain a healthy social life along with the intense work schedule is a bit draining. But again, I can't help beginning to wonder if this was something that I subconsciously did to myself on purpose. I said that I wasn't planning this, that it just sort of happened. What if deep down, part of me did plan it? Is this another defense mechanism? Another brick in the wall guarding my heart and soul? Another way for me to hide deeper within myself? Perhaps it is. Or perhaps it's just coincidence.

Either way, I have some more self discoveries to make. Some things to learn about yours truly. I'm even a mystery to me...so the question is: the mysterious woman thing, attractive or obnoxious? Doesn't matter, here I am.

You know how they say drowsy driving is as dangerous as drunk driving? I'm thinking that drowsy ranting is also as dangerous as drunken rantings. Oh well, it is what it is.

On that note, good night blogger. Good night world. And good night mysterious me.

At a loss for eloquence...

Sometimes I find it very easy to express myself through words. They just flow through me and all of a sudden they're there. Sometimes it just happens. Other times, it's not quite so easy to express myself eloquently. Because sometimes, I don't even know what I'm thinking, really. The thoughts are there, but I'm unable to describe them. Those are the moments when somebody asks me "What are you thinking?" and I don't have an answer. In those moments, when I'm at a loss for eloquence, I usually just say "I don't know" or "Nothing". The person asking usually thinks that I'm lying or that I don't want to talk about it. Well, on occasion it may be that I don't want to talk about it, but generally those answers simply mean that I have no idea how to express what is there. I hate that feeling. But maybe that's only because I'm spoiled in a way. I'm just used to being able to bend words in the way that I mean; accustomed to being able to make my thoughts sound just the way they seem to inside my head. And so when I can't, it gets very frustrating to me.

I'm not really sure why I decided to mention any of that, but it's the first thing that came to my mind when I opened this screen to type. It was the first thing to flow through my finger tips, so there it is. And it is, what it is.

[Insert witty segue here] I think I'm really getting close to that letting go place. I mean, part of me will always love him. But, I may be able to form that love into something more platonic. I am forever changed for knowing him, and for loving him. I think that I needed to have this experience to learn some things about myself. Now for moving on, life can't go anywhere but forward. There is no rewind button. Can't go back. Can't change...things. And that's okay.

Also, I believe that I've had an epiphany, of sorts. All of this lost love feeling has made me realize something. I will not settle. I want the real deal. I want to be swept off my feet, and find somebody who loves me as much as I do them. I want somebody who's going to want me the same way. No more emotionally unavailable, nonchalant nonsense. Sure, I'm still down for the casual dates here and there, but I'm not going to invest anything of myself where there is no mutual investment. Because I'm done standing around letting life happen to me.

Having experienced what it feels like to truly believe another person cares for you and your well being without a doubt, I will never accept less than that again. I want somebody who's willing to put things aside to take care of something more important. Somebody who can tell the difference between just another bad day and being truly upset. Somebody who's willing to drop what they're doing to be there for me when I need it. Most of my past dating experiences have been rather empty. This one, as painful as it has been to let it end (like I must) taught me a valuable lesson. I deserve somebody who is going to put forth equal effort. He taught me a little bit about how it should be, and I don't think that he even knew he was teaching me anything. He was just being himself. For all the reasons that we can not be together, there were so many good qualities between us, which I will never forget.

A relationship can not be held up by one person. And while I knew this all along, I had a tendency to be too lenient with how emotionally supportive a potential guy proved himself to be. Just because I'm strong and can deal with things myself, doesn't mean that I should have to. I'm not saying that on our first date a brand new guy has to be able to read me like an open book or help me forget my cares. That's unreasonable. It will never magically happen that fast. But, if there aren't signs of somebody who's going to try to understand me and what I'm feeling, then what's the point? Sure we can hang out and have fun, but we'll know it's not really going anywhere.

"Somewhere waiting for me, there is someone I'm longing to see, someone I simply can't help but adore, someone who'll thrill me forever. Someday my prince will come, someday I will find the one, though he's far away, he'll find my love someday, someday when my dreams come true." --Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Someday I'll find that one person, whom I can talk to about anything. That will never scrutinize me. Somebody that I can open up to fully, truly, and completely...and never feel judged. That person who will take the time to figure out why I'm acting off, even when I think I'm putting on a good show and think that nobody can tell I'm upset. My other half. He doesn't necessarily have to drive miles and miles in the middle of the night simply to hold my hand because I sound distressed on the phone...but that is the type of gesture that I'm talking about. I want somebody who is not only going to be like that in the beginning, but forever and for always.

No longer can I say, "I'm a heart battered and bruised, not yet broken." For I've had a bit of that standard thing called heart break. Aching of the heart is never pleasant, but I know that I'll be a stronger person because of it. It will heal, and I'll be able to patch it up and move on. One day, perhaps, I'll find somebody who will accept my damaged goods, without seeing any damage at all. And if that day never comes, I'll stand strong still. I can handle whatever time throws my way. There's no use in fretting about things that are out of our control. But now I know that I will not accept anything less than real. If a man can't take my hand and by my side, face the turmoils that may come, then he is not the man for me. I want a partner in life and in everything. Who will take on the world with me, hand in hand, together. And until I find that man, I'll attempt to navigate my way through the complicated land of dating.

Restless rantings/let time do all the talking

I thought that I was tired, and yet here I sit, unable to sleep. As I attempt to attain slumber, thoughts run recklessly through my head. What is it that has my mind racing, you might ask? Well that's a good question. I couldn't tell you if I tried. Too much going through my mind, but nothing solid enough that I can pinpoint or explain. I suppose I shall use this stolen moment of the night to blog, briefly. If I'm lucky, it will help to alleviate the unrelenting stomping of the hooves (as my mind is like a racetrack complete with horses galloping around, the horses being my thoughts).

This should be interesting, since I have no idea what it is that I'm going to blog about. Generally, you at least have a starting point in mind before you begin putting words to the screen. A basic idea of where you are going to be taking those words. Some sort of signal that recording them is a better idea than staying silent. But I'm a rebel. Who needs to know where you're going to end up anyway? It'll be more like an adventure this way. Let the shared meditation, or whatever you want to call it, begin!

Well, in regards to my last post: yes, I am upset and/or frustrated. While it is a difficult thing, and I'll probably be dealing with it for a while, I'm not lost in a land of depression or anything. I still smile most every day. I'm still laughing, and enjoying things. My life is still moving forward. Even when it hits me hard, it can't keep me down for every moment of every day. There's always going to be something there to make me smile, even when I don't want to smile anymore. And anyone who knows me, knows that you can't keep laughter from my grips. One of my greatest attributes is possibly my ability to laugh. Although it may very well also be one of my greatest faults, because if it's possible to laugh too much I would be the definition of that possibility. (I may find myself randomly bursting into tears from time to time, but that's only going to last for so long) When I lose the ability to smile or laugh for longer than a few days, that's when you can begin to worry about me. Until then, don't mind me, I'm just fine.

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." --Author Unknown

And who knows, maybe one day he and I will find ourselves in the same place. Maybe one day we'll get the timing right, and end up together again. Perhaps that dream of mine, hand in hand trying again, is a premonition of sorts. I won't hold my breath for that possibility, but it's a nice thought just the same. Even if it isn't probable. What is it that they always say? Something about, if you love something you have to let it go. Well, that's exactly what I did. So fly free. Find what you need. Be who you're supposed to be. Live, and enjoy your life. That's how it should be. Go and discover yourself. I still felt...feel...the way that I do, and nothing can take that away.

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."

Well, if it never comes around again, I know I'll be alright. Sooner or later something else will come along. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't give it another try if it did show up some day, assuming I was in a place in my life to let it happen again. Only time will tell, but that's always the case in life. Time is the only thing that can truly answer anything. Time and God. Heavenly Father also knows what is in store. Even if he lets time do all the talking. I guess everything is all about the when. What is happening when opportunity knocks. Or something along those lines.

Love is like the Borg, resistance is futile.

Seems like my life has been falling apart for a long while now. Sure, there have been a lot of good points as well, there always are. But, when I'm honest with myself, I'm getting really sick of picking up the pieces and trying to make a masterpiece. It's hard to paint a pretty picture of anything with only shards of hope and shattered dreams. Then again, life is always going to consist of moving forward despite the pain. If there was no pain, we wouldn't be alive.

"Maybe souls, are just like glass, more beautiful when stained" --lyrics, My Church Of Memories by Sara Haze

Perhaps one of the most beautiful things we possess is life. And life is all about the ups and the downs. The good and the bad. The joy and the pain. Without pain, there would be no joy. How could we ever truly enjoy or appreciate the good times, if we had no bad times to contrast? Every single moment, whether it be good or bad, is precious. Every single moment matters. Every single moment counts. And every moment is a gift. I know these words to be true, but even so, I am struggling with facing those facts at the moment. Sometimes when you're in one of the dips of life, it's hard to see the big picture. Life is like a roller coaster, complete with ups and downs, the secret is to learn how to just enjoy the ride. I'm working on it. It's also like a beautiful and elaborate dance. You twist, you turn, you sway, you dip, sometimes you change partners, but in the end every little step was just a part of the final product.

I made a decision. I can't hang around in limbo anymore. My feelings have grown too strong to remain undefined. Either it's going somewhere or it isn't. Either I embrace it, or I let it go. You know, this whole decision was supposed to make things easier. Tears and haunted dreams are pointing toward another conclusion. It will get easier, right? I don't mean to be one of those overly dramatic, oh woe is me, boys suck and stomp on your heart kind of girls. But love is a fickle thing. It can't be controlled. It can't be avoided. And it will rip you to shreds if it gets the chance. And yet, it's the most desirable thing in existence. Everybody yearns for it. And when it's not going rancid, it is the most delectable experience imaginable. The hard part is harvesting the ripe one. How do you know which and when to pick?

"The trouble with love is, It can tear you up inside, Make your heart believe a lie, It's stronger than your pride, The trouble with love is, It doesn't care how fast you fall, And you can't refuse the call, See you got no say at all" --lyrics, The Trouble With Love Is by Kelly Clarkson

I know that it needed to happen. And I know that I couldn't keep hanging around, ignoring the tugging of my heart strings, waiting for nothing. But I miss him just the same. I miss him too much. I long for those arms to hug, and those hands to hold. Those kisses on my lips, cheeks, or forehead. I feel as though I lost not only a date, but my best friend. I'm not sure how I managed to get so close to him, or why I feel so connected but I did and I do. Because of this (at least I think that is the reason) I find myself questioning my decision though I know that I should not. I know this sounds crazy. I know that I shouldn't be so affected. Yet, somehow I am. I fell in love. And once love gets involved there is no logic left. Love isn't reasonable. Love can't be explained. Love can't be planned or analyzed. Proceedings of the heart answer to nobody, not even you. So I'll try to let go. One little step at a time. I simply must remember to just keep breathing. Life goes on whether you want it to or not.

"Laugh laugh laugh. Laughter is a tonic. So forget crying. Cry, and you cry alone. Laugh and you... cry alone later." --From the play Laughing Wild by Christopher Durang

Last night I dreamed that we started over. No expectations. Just pretending it was a fresh start and seeing where it led. Hand in hand, we tried again. And it was the most beautiful dream. But when I awoke it wasn't beautiful anymore. And it brought the tears I thought were gone back again. But tears help to grow your strength. And so I let them fall for a moment. And onward I go. On the road to recovery. Healing is a long process. I'll be there soon. And I feel like a small child on a long road trip pleading with mommy and daddy "Are we there YET??" Not yet, but soon.