Little old, elderly MUSES...

The inspiration for this posting comes from my elderly folk. After some recent discussions with all of them; conversations we've had, stories they've told, things they've said to me in passing. All of this has started me thinking...

And so, I've just been doing a lot of deep inward thinking. All of this contemplation has led me to the conclusion that I'm sick of settling in my life. I've always been the one sitting around waiting. And most of the time waiting for nothing. What is the point?

I'm always forgiving, sometimes forgetting, often regretting.

Well no more. I mean, I'm sure I'll still be a forgiving person, but forgiving doesn't mean I have to allow opportunity to be hurt again. It just means that I'm not angry with you for it. It can also mean that I'm letting myself move on. A person can only take so much being at the bottom of the totem pole. I'm tired of being the last priority for everyone. For my friends, for my family, for potential relationships, or even just for casual dates. I'm yearning for support. Or just respect. And I intend to find it.

My new goal is to not allow others to make me feel like less than I deserve anymore.

My family interactions have been a bit frustrating lately, not to go into any excruciating detail. But that in itself is hard enough to deal with, because family is so important to me. This may very well be the thing that's eating at me the very most. And yet that's all I'm going to say on this huge subject at the moment. I simply can't bring myself to think about this one anymore.

Next up, friends. This one is tricky because we all get so busy. And when I was working so much I know I was the worst culprit. But it just seems like all of my dearest friends, rather the ones I've always considered my closest friends, are MIA. Some I haven't seen in months. Others I saw recently, which just helped to remind me how much I MISS them all. I know that life gets crazy, and that makes it hard to always spend so much time. But I shouldn't feel as if they are lost to me, or beyond my reach. And it's time to try and regain those strong bonds.

The latest Nintendo night was perfect. And I need many more in the near future. I also need to see my redneck. I need to reconnect with some of my "long lost" friendships. I need to have that invisible support that naturally comes along with spending time with those important people. With those friends. Those bonds that help make you a stronger person. I've been sorely missing those kindred spirits. I know that life has gotten in the way for all of us, and taken us to different places. With different things going on. And I understand that it gets hard to remain so close all the time. But I say we're long overdue for a reunion. And so that's what I'll be trying for here. Strengthening newer friendships. Reuniting with older ones. Just replenishing those bonds. And spending some time with those that I'm missing so much (or at least I hope I can arrange it in the near future, all our crazy lives permitting! **fingers crossed**)

Casual dates, well I guess there's not much to expect there. If these fall through, so be it. I've never expected much anyway, but I just can't let myself reflect anything from this category onto my own self worth. It happens. People generally suck. And so be it. Moving on.

Potential relationships...maybe the trick is to stop seeing things as anything potential. No holding these hopes in the back of my mind. At least not until they PROVE themselves to be potential, or rather to have potential. Because until they put forth the effort to hold my hopes, they shouldn't hold the power to upset me either. I have got to try harder to keep everything in that casual date category until I know for sure I should think of it as anything stronger. I'm usually pretty good about it, but every once in a while...

Anyway, back to the reason for the post. All the stories from my elderly folk about their significant others. How they met. What made them fall in love. Things that kept their relationship alive and kicking, strong until the end. Little things like that. For example: one of them told me a story about a night when she was walking with her now late husband. She said that they were talking, and he held her close. She told me that with every step they took, he whispered one more reason why he loved her. And with every step he had something new to add. Every time she thought he must have run out of reasons, he continued with more. And that was the first night she started to fall for him, madly in love with him.

This story, as well as many other stories and comments made to me about how I deserve the best, and how amazing my old people think I am, etc. And stories from women my age about the men who still open doors, and make a point to treat them like ladies. Pulling up to the curb at a movie theater, getting out and running around the car to open the door, dropping her off there and then parking and meeting her to buy the tickets. Things like that. People putting forth effort. People showing that they want to be there. Proving that they deserve returned affection. People who make their significant other a priority.

Sometimes I think that people like this are extinct, it was all just another time. Another time, and the world has changed. Which is true, but I've heard enough about modern day men who are still old fashioned at heart. Or men who are just gentleman, not necessarily old fashioned. But they do still exist. Just few and far between. There are still men and women who know how to show others respect. Who know how to have morals, and standards. You just have to know how to find them I guess.

Now I don't need such lavish, over the top gestures. I've never been very high maintenance in this area. But, I DO NEED SOMETHING. Some sort of effort. Somebody to TRY. I don't need perfection. I don't need ooey gooey romance. I don't need something that sounds like a romance novel, or something practically pulled from a chick flick. Yes, larger "sweep me off my feet" kind of moments are nice, but not required. They're very appreciated, they're amazing, and they're memorable. But I don't need every guy I meet to fly me to New York, take my breath away, and shock me with amazing moments or a 4 foot tall rose. Yes, I loved every second of that. Yes, it made me feel like I was living in a movie. Yes, it was something I never thought I'd have. Yes, I'm glad that it happened. And yes, I will remember it for the rest of my life! Don't get me wrong, I would love to have somebody do something like that again. But no, that's not what I'm specifically looking for. It's not what I need, though I wouldn't turn it away.

I just want someone to try. Somebody to prove they want some time with me. To put forth some sort of effort, show me some respect. I don't need anybody else to waste my time. A person that wants to be in my life, will make an effort to be there. Not make me feel as though I'm an after thought. I just want somebody who cares, and shows me that they care. I'm looking for somebody who won't make me do all the work. Who's willing to meet me halfway. Who will actually pursue me, and let me share my affection in return. And until I find that, I guess I'll stick to casual dates without investment. I can't afford to invest without a return investment anymore.

So here's a huge thank you to all my old people. Thank you for reminding me what I'm worth. Thank you for reminding me what I deserve. Thank you for inspiring me constantly. Thank you for sharing your stories, and giving me hope. Thank you for giving me something to strive for, and aspire to. Thank you for being there, for loving me, and for letting me love you. <3 <3 <3

And here's where I'll wrap this up. Hopefully get some shut eye. It's funny how I always feel a bit better after one of these blog vent sessions, it really is a good emotional outlet for somebody like me.

So until next time, just don't forget to breathe!

Webs of deceit: now served all day!

I'm not really sure where to begin, so I'll just jump in...and let my Benadryl induced ramble begin. So here it goes:

Lately I've found myself feeling a lot like those useless crumbs, left forgotten at the bottom of the potato chip bag that's been tossed into the garbage can.

While this is a very true statement, I just need to take a moment to point out that I'm not going for one of those, "Oh, woe is me" kind of effects here. Simply, I'm just trying to state the facts. And while I'm not sure exactly why I've been feeling this way (nor can I pin point the exact triggers of these feelings to any specifics), it has just been kind of the general feeling I've been getting lately. From everywhere in my life. It's very real, and very harsh. Which makes it very difficult to ignore sometimes.

I'll be honest, I'm rather sick of this lingering feeling. It's tiresome to feel like some sort of disregarded, expendable waste. I don't want to be the leftover crumbs; I think I ought to be the main course and dessert all wrapped into one! Or at the very least, be one of the two. Either the entree or the dessert. Yes, I could settle for that (either/or...possibly both).

Is it so much to ask that I get to have somewhere I can feel as if I'm a priority??? Somewhere to matter. Somewhere I'm not a mere after thought. And more so, just to be a priority for longer than a moment. Just more than a fleeting moment. Not for some ulterior motive, but because I have some sort of significance. I'm just hoping to find some importance. Somewhere. Anywhere. Can't I have someone who thinks I take precedence? Someone to put forth some effort.

I once believed without a doubt that love was just a given. That it was coming at some point. That it would happen. Sort of that whole "Someday my Prince will come" sensation. These days I'm not so sure. I'm having trouble with the concept of love even on a more platonic scale, let alone the romance aspect of the theory.

And for that matter, how can you tell true sincerity in this world when we're all so surrounded by the fabricated lies that intricately web together social existence? Where can a person look and actually find a truly genuine interaction? Is candor fictitious? In any case, the world could sure use more honest people and less phonies. Good luck world. Good luck to all of us.

"All those fairy tales are full of shit. One more fucking love song, I'll be sick." --lyrics from the song Payphone, by Maroon 5

Time and time again I'm proven wrong when I think a person cares. Time and time again I tell myself I'm done, only to find myself letting my guard down again. Letting someone in again. Lowering the walls again. Trusting only to be hurt. Yes, time and time again. An endless cycle that I can't seem to break for the life of me. "Time after time"

Things are so hard to navigate when it comes to the uncharted territory of human emotions. Even within your own skin, within your own mind, everything can somehow be so foreign. Frustrating. Exhausting.

I only hope that if I ever do find that glimmer of true sincerity, I can see it. That if I come across a real, honest to goodness, decent person who actually does care and isn't lying, that I can tell. That I'm not too far gone, or too broken to accept it. That I can let it happen. So here's to grasping that piece of hope! Holding it dear to our hearts and to our souls. Onward we go. Ever moving forward. Life stops for no man, don't blink or you may miss it. Just keep your eyes peeled for those slim chances, and try not to let the problems bog you down or destroy you. At least not too much, perhaps just a little bit.



Oh and also, on another note:

Why is it that the arts are fueled so drastically by misery? My best writing comes from the moments I feel distraught. My best drawings happen while I'm disconcerted. You constantly hear about musicians' music suffering as they start to gain happiness. That they struggle to produce music once the doom and gloom fades. It seems most of the great artists of any time and any type suffered greatly in their lives. And produced their best work during those times of suffering.

Dear anguish, why must you be the best muse known to mankind? Why must you taunt us so? Seems like a cruel joke to me. Cut us a break, would ya? Kthnxbye. <3 /Me



And that is all on the rant front from me tonight. So until next time, just don't forget to breathe.