Yo-yo? Puppet? Toy? Oh boy!

Another bellowing? Yes. I believe it's time once again. However, I need you to bear with me folks, I'm trying something new. Not my typical ranting style...but this just popped into my head and I decided I needed to jot it down. Even if the only result from doing so is just to clear my mind. It may be complete rubbish, but in order to find the diamond in the rough, you have to dig through all the rubble, right? You can't have the gems without someone getting dirty. So here's my way of getting a little mud on the tires? Or something like that.

And so if this becomes my worst post ever, so be it. Not every post can be pure gold. This blog is my emotional outlet. So brace yourselves, because here I go:



I was just a girl who wore her heart on her sleeve, but that never got me anywhere. Like a fool, I kept my heart on a string, setting the stage for all this puppetry. Now I've learned that all those strings only make for vulnerability, they make me ready for the tugging.
Oh, you never could resist tugging at my heart strings, could you? And so, I never realized I was meant for your personal entertainment, but eventually that's how it always went. Every time, I was your whimsical puppet.
Like a yo-yo on my string, you throw me away and then pull me back again.
And again, and again. Round and round, up and down, back and forth.
I never can tell if you're coming or going. Or is it me that's doing all the running?
It always ends the same, and I'm left sitting on the curb just trying to tie off my frayed tips. Until the next time you beckon me one way or another. What if I told you I'm different than anyone you've ever known? You wouldn't notice anyway. Do you ever hear the words that I say?
It's a difficult moment when you realize you've been nothing but a pawn. A pawn in somebody's game. Elaborate or not, the games are never what I want in the end. So I'm letting go, or at least attempting so.
To free my battered heart, perhaps I need to cut these strings. Yes, cut these strings right off.
I once tried boxing this fragile heart up and keeping it on a shelf, which only left me stagnant.
It's time to fly, solo or not I'm looking toward the sky. I know this means leaving you behind, but I'll tell you one thing, boys...this yo-yo here, is through being a toy.
Next time you call, I may not be found. Next time you tug, I'll be long gone. It's okay though, you won't miss me all that much. Because you've always known that toys never did last forever.


***DISCLAIMER*** Before anybody has a chance to get all "up in arms" about this one let me just make sure to state that this post is NOT about any one particular person at all. It's about several situations, all combined. It's about this horrible pattern I've found myself stuck in. It's about ME. About how I feel. It's not about anyone else. No one person in mind. Just me, and the things I've been through all together.
Actually no, scratch that. If somebody wants to get all worked up about it, it's not my fault they have a guilty conscience. Why should I walk on egg shells anyway? Think whatever you want!


Oh yeah, and until next time, just don't forget to breathe!

No, I can't read your fortune! I'm a HAZMAT not a crystal-ball.

Another late night rambling? Yep. Here we go.

So here I sit. Unable to sleep. Too much on my mind, yet again. Meekly trying to solve my problem with an episode of the "Big Bang Theory" playing in the background. An unsuccessful attempt, as the thoughts continue raging. At least, I THINK that is what's happening here. Something along those lines anyway.

Why is it that feelings always get in the way? Blasted emotions. Always undermining me. Constantly working towards my demise. I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this before, but I hate feelings. And apparently they hate me as well.

I start really liking a person, and I immediately start sabotaging things somehow. Sometimes I don't even notice. These walls around my heart are ever changing. Like a rubix cube. I'm not a girl, I'm a freaking puzzle! Even to myself at times.

It doesn't help when there are very reasonable doubts involved before the feelings are. Who needs to work against unreasonable odds when dating and feelings are hard enough before adding in these unreasonable odds?

Connections are difficult to make. And it seems the best ones I make are connections that can't work. Go figure. I've been saying that I'm broken for a long time, I guess I'm just collecting more proof of this lately. But why? Why can't I ever develop feelings in a situation that makes sense? I'm like my own personal HAZMAT. Give me bad situations, and that's where the emotions thrive. Logic? Screw that. We all know that matters of the heart are never logical, I guess that supplies the logic here.

I'm sick of feelings. I'm sick of caring. I'm sick of being scared. This stuff freaks me out, for real. Oh yeah, and about that, I'm also sick of being freaked out. Can I please just be 5 years old again? Things were so much simpler back when climbing trees, what to bring for show and tell, and can I reach the cookie jar were my biggest concerns in life. Oh sweet childhood. We never know what a treasure we hold with childhood, until it has already eluded us. What a cruel irony.

And back to my current issues. When I tell you "I don't trust people"...well, my dear, I'm not trying to make you angry or upset with that statement. I'm telling you the truth. Sorry to say, I'm not exaggerating. I honestly don't.

Once upon a time, I was one of those gullible girls who unconditionally believed in fairy tale esque things like true love, soul mates, and that everybody met that special someone. No question about it, I just knew it was true. Unlike the fairy tales, it doesn't actually happen that way. I can't honestly say that I still believe these things. Every once in a while my hope is momentarily restored. When I see those happy elderly couples. Still in love after so many years. No question in anybody's mind that they belong together. Still.

Those couples that make anyone feel warm and fuzzy inside, just looking at them. Still going strong in the elderly years. Still made for each other. The perfect matches. Two halves of a whole. And that love bug bites me again. But only for a moment, until I remember that we live in a different world these days. Things aren't like that anymore. And then I remember why these things freak me out. And I'm right back here, building more walls around myself to try and keep people out.

So now I don't trust people. Now I'm skeptical of everything and everyone, especially when it comes to my emotions and feelings. Is this the road to crazy cat lady status? Perhaps. Hermit-ville here I come? Who knows. Am I becoming cynical? Possibly. I've said this before, and for the record yes I do know it's a terrible joke, but here it is anyway. My name may be Crystal, but I don't own a crystal ball...I can't tell the future. I don't know how things will turn out. And I don't know how to navigate this effectively.

In any case, to whomever it may concern: I don't intend to upset you by my self built hazards. It accidentally happens occasionally. I do apologize, in a way, though I can't take back the fact that I feel skeptical about the situation. It's not a judgement of you, but of the world. I don't trust people, with good reason. Unfortunately that does include you at this point. Wish it didn't, but it does. And so, here I sit, unable to sleep, and ranting again.

Confusing situations in the emotional world of me. Confusing indeed.

And again, until next time, don't forget to breathe.

Strip poker...for the soul

I suppose tonight is as good as any for one of my rambling blog rants. So here's what's on my mind this time (That is, if you're prepared for another of my crazy thoughts and some more terrifying insight into my head. Otherwise I suggest you stop reading here):

We, as people, can only ever be as great as we allow ourselves to be. Now when I speak of greatness here, I'm not talking about being a super hero, or a world leader, or being renowned, or legendary, or going down in history books. I'm talking about a simple greatness. Some of the greatest people in the world, and in history, go unknown. Undocumented. It's a simple kind of wonderful. But so many people don't ever allow themselves to attain it. For whatever reasons.

For myself it's not about you, or that other girl, or that guy, or "them" whoever them might be. It's not about anybody else at all. It's about me, and only me.

And as for all the rest of you, whomever may be reading these words. For any of you, it's not about me. It's not about that guy living down the street with the cute dog. Or about "that bitch" at work who you're convinced is out to get you. Or the "know it all" in class. It's not about him, her, or that other person. It's not about "them". It's not even about God. It's about you, and only you. Nothing else.

What kind of person do YOU want to be? What can you live with...or die with?

If you were to pass on tomorrow with no more time to change or to do better next time, would you be content with the life that you have lived? Just the one thus far?

Let's forget about religion for a minute here. Set EVERYTHING aside. Religion, society, acceptable social "norms", stereotypes, everything. Drop it all for a moment and just think. Peer inside your own mind. Your own thoughts. Stop letting everything and everyone else think for you, and just think for yourself on this one. Look inside yourself. Only there, not anywhere else. Not to what somebody else has told you to be right or wrong. This is about what YOU define as right or wrong. We're all capable of deciphering this without prompting, yet so many of us never do...

What is right? What is wrong? What is going to make you proud of the person that you are? What is going to help you go to bed at night KNOWING that you have done right? That you have done what's best? That you have made a difference? That you have had a glimmer of greatness?

Do you want to be that jerk in traffic who speeds up when a blinker turns on? Or do you want to be the person who makes room to let the car change lanes? The asshole that cuts somebody off and nearly causes an accident because you're not paying attention and are in a hurry? Or the one who is cautious and courteous?

Do you want to be the person who is too busy avoiding eye contact with other human beings while out in the world that you are oblivious to your surroundings? Or do you want to be the one who notices the woman behind you in the checkout line, with her small child, who only has two items so you let her go ahead of you in line?

Are you the type of person who just walks past, ignoring the elderly woman who dropped her groceries across the floor? Or are you the type to see it, and stop to help her retrieve them all?

You can decide which person to be. You can control your destiny in this way. YOU and only you. Nobody else can make you be a better person. Not your parents. Not your friends. Not your significant others. Not even God. It is something you must decide for yourself, and work toward yourself. For you. Because YOU want it. Not because somebody else told you to.

Let everyone else worry about themselves and their own decisions. Let them all decide which person they will be on their own. Just worry about you, and who you want to be. Let everything else fall away. Just work on your own goals. Because in the end nothing else matters. That person who decided to be a jerk...if you let that make YOU decide to be a jerk, where does that get you? Is that who you pictured yourself becoming as a child growing up? What would four year old you think of current you?

Be kind, courteous, considerate. Waiting five seconds to hold the door open for the stranger behind you is not going to kill you. It won't even make you late! But sharing a smile. The thought behind the gesture, that can mean the difference between gloom and hope in a person's day. You never know how simple things like that can instantly turn a mood around, with so little effort. That, my friends, is how we can achieve greatness right there. Is waiting five seconds to extend such a small gesture really any sort of sacrifice? I would say that it is not, but maybe that is just me. Which was my original point, that's all that matters. So I will try to do this, because it's what I want for myself.

Allow yourself to be great. Greatness isn't about fame, or fortune, or looks, or charm. It's about character. It's about setting out to be the best person you can be. The very best you. Becoming that person that you want yourself to be.

It's not about being perfect, it's about trying. Making an effort each day. Success or failure is often measured with a skewed scale in our modern world. It's not about keeping up with the Jones'. It's about keeping up with your inner self, or rather about not losing sight of that self.

A smile is contagious, so why not spread it around? Who knows, you might even manage to spread it to yourself! You could spontaneously go from a forced smile to a habitual one without even realizing it. All as part of the process of doing whatever it is that you define as right, you could stumble upon happiness and contentment.

I know, it's a shocker. You probably didn't realize that there was a disease which did good instead of harm. Smiling is that disease. Give it a try, I'm sure that you won't regret contracting this ailment.

And even a step farther than the all wonderful smile, is laughter.

Laughter is quite possibly my favorite thing on this entire planet! I'd say that it might even be the most brilliant treasure that we, as a species, possess. Sharing a laugh with someone can carry the weight of the world, and all my worries away. I'm not quite sure how, but it just does. All those moments where I feel in my life "it's either laugh or cry" where things seem so awful it can't be real and yet it is, but somehow I get through it. When you think about it, those are always the stories you laugh about later. The stories that are the most fun to tell and re-tell. And on the flip side, also the stories that are the most fun to hear from others. So if you can laugh in the moment as well, it just might make the punches that much easier to roll with. But that, again, is one of those "at least for me" moments.

I would suggest you give some of these things a try. But don't do it because I said so. It's not about me, it's about you. Do what makes you great, in your own definition of greatness. Not in someone else's definition. Just remember that you are the only thing standing in your way for this. Try not to be afraid to step out of your own way. You may be surprised with the results. Who knows, it may even catch on, one person at a time, making the world a more pleasant place. Even if only making it more pleasant in your own interactions, that's still a step. It's still a glimmer of greatness. Is it not?

Just some food for thought. Or you know, maybe just another of my pointless rantings.

In any case, don't forget to breathe!

Just call me...uh...G.I. Jane??

Is it still closure if it makes you long for something you've lost even more? I am sorely missing some things right now. But knowing the truth, having more facts, that's got to be for the best right? It's always better to have more of the story than to be left in the dark. The more information you have, the more equipped you are to be able to handle any situation. In the immortal words of G.I. Joe: "Knowing is half the battle".

So in any case, I've gained a little "closure". Gained a few answers. A little knowledge...well, a little information. So it's for the best. Or, at least I THINK it's a step in the right direction.

I'm like the little engine that could, just chugging along. Chuggin' and hoping that I'm chuggin' in the right direction, hard to tell if I'm even ON the tracks sometimes, let alone on the right track. Or which direction I'm heading, whether I'm coming or going.

So on the one hand, a little closure. And on the other hand, another person in my life is just causing me to second guess myself...

It's funny how some people can make you feel like you're worth more than you once thought, and how others can make you feel like you're less than you are. Even within the same period of time. The result is me being left without a clue as to what I should do. Frustrated and confused.

Perhaps it's time to focus on other things for a while...

Well I'm going to keep this one short and sweet (for a change, seems my posts are never short! haha)

So until next time, don't forget to breathe!

Little old, elderly MUSES...

The inspiration for this posting comes from my elderly folk. After some recent discussions with all of them; conversations we've had, stories they've told, things they've said to me in passing. All of this has started me thinking...

And so, I've just been doing a lot of deep inward thinking. All of this contemplation has led me to the conclusion that I'm sick of settling in my life. I've always been the one sitting around waiting. And most of the time waiting for nothing. What is the point?

I'm always forgiving, sometimes forgetting, often regretting.

Well no more. I mean, I'm sure I'll still be a forgiving person, but forgiving doesn't mean I have to allow opportunity to be hurt again. It just means that I'm not angry with you for it. It can also mean that I'm letting myself move on. A person can only take so much being at the bottom of the totem pole. I'm tired of being the last priority for everyone. For my friends, for my family, for potential relationships, or even just for casual dates. I'm yearning for support. Or just respect. And I intend to find it.

My new goal is to not allow others to make me feel like less than I deserve anymore.

My family interactions have been a bit frustrating lately, not to go into any excruciating detail. But that in itself is hard enough to deal with, because family is so important to me. This may very well be the thing that's eating at me the very most. And yet that's all I'm going to say on this huge subject at the moment. I simply can't bring myself to think about this one anymore.

Next up, friends. This one is tricky because we all get so busy. And when I was working so much I know I was the worst culprit. But it just seems like all of my dearest friends, rather the ones I've always considered my closest friends, are MIA. Some I haven't seen in months. Others I saw recently, which just helped to remind me how much I MISS them all. I know that life gets crazy, and that makes it hard to always spend so much time. But I shouldn't feel as if they are lost to me, or beyond my reach. And it's time to try and regain those strong bonds.

The latest Nintendo night was perfect. And I need many more in the near future. I also need to see my redneck. I need to reconnect with some of my "long lost" friendships. I need to have that invisible support that naturally comes along with spending time with those important people. With those friends. Those bonds that help make you a stronger person. I've been sorely missing those kindred spirits. I know that life has gotten in the way for all of us, and taken us to different places. With different things going on. And I understand that it gets hard to remain so close all the time. But I say we're long overdue for a reunion. And so that's what I'll be trying for here. Strengthening newer friendships. Reuniting with older ones. Just replenishing those bonds. And spending some time with those that I'm missing so much (or at least I hope I can arrange it in the near future, all our crazy lives permitting! **fingers crossed**)

Casual dates, well I guess there's not much to expect there. If these fall through, so be it. I've never expected much anyway, but I just can't let myself reflect anything from this category onto my own self worth. It happens. People generally suck. And so be it. Moving on.

Potential relationships...maybe the trick is to stop seeing things as anything potential. No holding these hopes in the back of my mind. At least not until they PROVE themselves to be potential, or rather to have potential. Because until they put forth the effort to hold my hopes, they shouldn't hold the power to upset me either. I have got to try harder to keep everything in that casual date category until I know for sure I should think of it as anything stronger. I'm usually pretty good about it, but every once in a while...

Anyway, back to the reason for the post. All the stories from my elderly folk about their significant others. How they met. What made them fall in love. Things that kept their relationship alive and kicking, strong until the end. Little things like that. For example: one of them told me a story about a night when she was walking with her now late husband. She said that they were talking, and he held her close. She told me that with every step they took, he whispered one more reason why he loved her. And with every step he had something new to add. Every time she thought he must have run out of reasons, he continued with more. And that was the first night she started to fall for him, madly in love with him.

This story, as well as many other stories and comments made to me about how I deserve the best, and how amazing my old people think I am, etc. And stories from women my age about the men who still open doors, and make a point to treat them like ladies. Pulling up to the curb at a movie theater, getting out and running around the car to open the door, dropping her off there and then parking and meeting her to buy the tickets. Things like that. People putting forth effort. People showing that they want to be there. Proving that they deserve returned affection. People who make their significant other a priority.

Sometimes I think that people like this are extinct, it was all just another time. Another time, and the world has changed. Which is true, but I've heard enough about modern day men who are still old fashioned at heart. Or men who are just gentleman, not necessarily old fashioned. But they do still exist. Just few and far between. There are still men and women who know how to show others respect. Who know how to have morals, and standards. You just have to know how to find them I guess.

Now I don't need such lavish, over the top gestures. I've never been very high maintenance in this area. But, I DO NEED SOMETHING. Some sort of effort. Somebody to TRY. I don't need perfection. I don't need ooey gooey romance. I don't need something that sounds like a romance novel, or something practically pulled from a chick flick. Yes, larger "sweep me off my feet" kind of moments are nice, but not required. They're very appreciated, they're amazing, and they're memorable. But I don't need every guy I meet to fly me to New York, take my breath away, and shock me with amazing moments or a 4 foot tall rose. Yes, I loved every second of that. Yes, it made me feel like I was living in a movie. Yes, it was something I never thought I'd have. Yes, I'm glad that it happened. And yes, I will remember it for the rest of my life! Don't get me wrong, I would love to have somebody do something like that again. But no, that's not what I'm specifically looking for. It's not what I need, though I wouldn't turn it away.

I just want someone to try. Somebody to prove they want some time with me. To put forth some sort of effort, show me some respect. I don't need anybody else to waste my time. A person that wants to be in my life, will make an effort to be there. Not make me feel as though I'm an after thought. I just want somebody who cares, and shows me that they care. I'm looking for somebody who won't make me do all the work. Who's willing to meet me halfway. Who will actually pursue me, and let me share my affection in return. And until I find that, I guess I'll stick to casual dates without investment. I can't afford to invest without a return investment anymore.

So here's a huge thank you to all my old people. Thank you for reminding me what I'm worth. Thank you for reminding me what I deserve. Thank you for inspiring me constantly. Thank you for sharing your stories, and giving me hope. Thank you for giving me something to strive for, and aspire to. Thank you for being there, for loving me, and for letting me love you. <3 <3 <3

And here's where I'll wrap this up. Hopefully get some shut eye. It's funny how I always feel a bit better after one of these blog vent sessions, it really is a good emotional outlet for somebody like me.

So until next time, just don't forget to breathe!

Webs of deceit: now served all day!

I'm not really sure where to begin, so I'll just jump in...and let my Benadryl induced ramble begin. So here it goes:

Lately I've found myself feeling a lot like those useless crumbs, left forgotten at the bottom of the potato chip bag that's been tossed into the garbage can.

While this is a very true statement, I just need to take a moment to point out that I'm not going for one of those, "Oh, woe is me" kind of effects here. Simply, I'm just trying to state the facts. And while I'm not sure exactly why I've been feeling this way (nor can I pin point the exact triggers of these feelings to any specifics), it has just been kind of the general feeling I've been getting lately. From everywhere in my life. It's very real, and very harsh. Which makes it very difficult to ignore sometimes.

I'll be honest, I'm rather sick of this lingering feeling. It's tiresome to feel like some sort of disregarded, expendable waste. I don't want to be the leftover crumbs; I think I ought to be the main course and dessert all wrapped into one! Or at the very least, be one of the two. Either the entree or the dessert. Yes, I could settle for that (either/or...possibly both).

Is it so much to ask that I get to have somewhere I can feel as if I'm a priority??? Somewhere to matter. Somewhere I'm not a mere after thought. And more so, just to be a priority for longer than a moment. Just more than a fleeting moment. Not for some ulterior motive, but because I have some sort of significance. I'm just hoping to find some importance. Somewhere. Anywhere. Can't I have someone who thinks I take precedence? Someone to put forth some effort.

I once believed without a doubt that love was just a given. That it was coming at some point. That it would happen. Sort of that whole "Someday my Prince will come" sensation. These days I'm not so sure. I'm having trouble with the concept of love even on a more platonic scale, let alone the romance aspect of the theory.

And for that matter, how can you tell true sincerity in this world when we're all so surrounded by the fabricated lies that intricately web together social existence? Where can a person look and actually find a truly genuine interaction? Is candor fictitious? In any case, the world could sure use more honest people and less phonies. Good luck world. Good luck to all of us.

"All those fairy tales are full of shit. One more fucking love song, I'll be sick." --lyrics from the song Payphone, by Maroon 5

Time and time again I'm proven wrong when I think a person cares. Time and time again I tell myself I'm done, only to find myself letting my guard down again. Letting someone in again. Lowering the walls again. Trusting only to be hurt. Yes, time and time again. An endless cycle that I can't seem to break for the life of me. "Time after time"

Things are so hard to navigate when it comes to the uncharted territory of human emotions. Even within your own skin, within your own mind, everything can somehow be so foreign. Frustrating. Exhausting.

I only hope that if I ever do find that glimmer of true sincerity, I can see it. That if I come across a real, honest to goodness, decent person who actually does care and isn't lying, that I can tell. That I'm not too far gone, or too broken to accept it. That I can let it happen. So here's to grasping that piece of hope! Holding it dear to our hearts and to our souls. Onward we go. Ever moving forward. Life stops for no man, don't blink or you may miss it. Just keep your eyes peeled for those slim chances, and try not to let the problems bog you down or destroy you. At least not too much, perhaps just a little bit.



Oh and also, on another note:

Why is it that the arts are fueled so drastically by misery? My best writing comes from the moments I feel distraught. My best drawings happen while I'm disconcerted. You constantly hear about musicians' music suffering as they start to gain happiness. That they struggle to produce music once the doom and gloom fades. It seems most of the great artists of any time and any type suffered greatly in their lives. And produced their best work during those times of suffering.

Dear anguish, why must you be the best muse known to mankind? Why must you taunt us so? Seems like a cruel joke to me. Cut us a break, would ya? Kthnxbye. <3 /Me



And that is all on the rant front from me tonight. So until next time, just don't forget to breathe.

Inform the star fleet, I have another Borg sighting...blast that L -word out of the sky!

Here I am, writing again. It seems to be the best way for me to attempt soothing emotional distress. In this case, heart ache...but that just means that most of my posts are depressing. Sorry about that folks, but we're in for another one of those kind of rides. So I guess I'll just jump right in to it then. Here we go:

I try so hard to be careful and cautious. To take things slow and not rush. To try and guard my heart. I put up these walls to keep people from getting in, yet for some reason the few times I let them down a bit all hell breaks loose and my emotions get stomped on. "The Universe" is kind of a bitch sometimes. No matter how hard I try, I can't get around the fact that love bites, and it bites hard.

...Oh shoot...did I just say love? I've been avoiding that word. Refraining from saying that. But I guess that's pretty much where I'm at again. Damn it. Damn him. Damn feelings. And damn that bloody L-word. It's supposed to be amazing, but I keep finding the harsh kind instead. It sneaks up on you and slips in without warning. It plays games with you, and definitely doesn't play fair most of the time. It's a fickle thing we call love. Wonderful and awful all at the same time. Complicating life for mortal man since it's invention. Both a super hero and a super villain of sorts. ...oh love.

"If I fall, can ya let me down easy? If I leave my heart with you tonight, will you promise me that you're gonna treat it right? I'm barely hangin on, so if I fall, can you let me down easy?" --lyrics from Let Me Down Easy, by Billy Currington

Don't get me wrong, things aren't exactly over just yet. I'm not totally sure what's going to happen with him. With US. But I do know that either way, my heart is aching right now.

I knew that things were different between us, that something had changed, but I tried to keep myself from jumping to conclusions. I could feel it building, but told myself to calm down. I told myself it was probably because we just spent 9 days of 24/7 time together, that it had strained us and would fix itself with a little space. But my intuition told me it was more than that, and as usual my gut feeling was correct.

Maybe it's heading for a heart break. Maybe it's not. It's just one of those things that only time will tell. One thing is for sure, I've developed really strong feelings. And I still care about him, so much; no matter what. Either way, I'll still care. Always. Why'd I have to go and fall so hard? You'd think I'd know better by now! Oh well, it's too late now.

"There's too many things that I haven't done yet. Too many sunsets I haven't seen. You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down. You would've thought by now I'd have learned something." --lyrics from Many the Miles, by Sara Bareilles

So we've decided to kind of play it by ear, and see if we can figure this thing out. But if things keep going like this, I don't see how it can get any better. If we stay stuck in a lack of communication zone, eventually we'll have to take the nearest exit. That's the opposite of what I want, but facts are facts. Things have definitely changed, and unless we can figure out why, or how to fix it, or both...we may have to face those facts.

I'm not sure how it can change like that. We used to talk constantly. For hours on end. About everything. About nothing. It was just comforting to know I always had him in my court. Over the years of friendship, and then trying the something more. I could always tell him anything. I felt safe. Talking to him made me feel better about everything. But I hesitated to jump anyway. I like to be cautious. I don't like to rush. And I knew from the beginning that the distance could be a big deal. That it could be more than a big deal. He was still so sure, it made me start believing we could make it work too...but here we are, in limbo. All of our talk of how we could do this, and how we wanted it so much we'd be able to put the work in for it, blah blah blah...it's just that, talk. Unless we can somehow bounce back from this, and walk the walk too. **shrug**

When the going gets tough, the tough get going? But what if you want to stay? Are you still tough?

"You loved me 'cause I'm fragile. When I thought that I was strong. But you touch me for a little while, and all my fragile strength is gone." --lyrics from Gravity, by Sara Bareilles

How did I get here? I told myself I wasn't going to do this again. Here I am.

"Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love. All my resistance will never be distance enough." --lyrics Wreck of the Day, by Anna Nalick

To quote one of my earlier blog posts, "Love is like the Borg, resistance is futile." That's as true to me now as it was back then.

I didn't want to fall, but I'm here on the floor again. I don't want to just let this go. I want to grasp tightly to it; keep my grip and hang on for dear life. But that won't work. I can't force somebody to be with me. Or to want to be. Either the feelings are still there for both parties, or it's a lost cause. You can't build upon a broken foundation or the structure will crumble. So if it turns out he doesn't feel that way anymore, I'll suck it up. Pick myself up. Brush myself off. And keep on trudging along (somehow). I'm a big girl. I'm tougher than I like to admit. I can pull up my big girl panties and be a grown up. No matter how much I want to make it work, I'm not one to beg (and that would never work anyway. At least not for any kind of quality, strong, meaningful relationship. And if I'm not getting something meaningful, then what's the point in holding on? I want the real deal someday). If that day ever comes...

My only hope is that we can get back to some sort of rhythm with our communication. That would at least help us sort out this jumbled mess of confusion. If we can get back to talking like us again. At least maybe then we could tell what we're doing. Figure out what we really want and/or need. Figure out where to go, or what the right thing to do in this case is. Besides, I miss that as much, if not more, than I miss him. The way we used to talk.

It's funny how the tables have turned, and our roles have switched. In the beginning I was the unsure one, and he was so convinced and certain. Now I'm the sure one, and he's hesitating. The pages turned, just not at the same time. It's like we're reading different parts of the story and trying to read together. Maybe we're stuck on different pages now. I'm sure it's possible to fix, but I don't really know how. Where do you begin?

Now I'm left feeling like a burden.

Feeling torn. Knowing what I want, but not sure if I should even say anything. Wanting desperately to have that person I could tell everything to, but not being able to tell him that. Wondering if I'm like a pest now. Just pestering and bothering. Before the last little while I had never wondered that, never needed to. It was always obvious and apparent exactly how he felt. But it seems his mind has changed.

"Driving away from the wreck of the day. And the light's always red in the rear-view. Desperately close to a coffin of hope, I'd cheat destiny just to be near you. If this is giving up, then I'm giving up. If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up on love, On love." --lyrics from Wreck of the Day, by Anna Nalick

So here I hold my tears at bay.

And I wait. What I'm waiting for is still unknown; but still, wait I must. I can't let go. At least not yet. Don't want to in any case, but I know that it's possible I may have to at some point. So I brace myself for that let down. For that fall to the hard ground. I prepare myself for the goodbye I so badly dread. I know I can handle it, though I don't want to. Won't be easy, but I will get by. That sliver of anticipation remains, letting me hope I won't have to. So I cling to that for the time being.

"When the evening shadows and the stars appear, and there is no one there to dry your tears. I could hold you for a million years, to make you feel my love. I know you haven't made your mind up yet, but I would never do you wrong. I've known it from the moment that we met. No doubt in my mind where you belong." --lyrics from Make You Feel My Love, by Bob Dylan

And here I bring this blog post to a close. Nighty night blog, sleep tight world, or something like that.

Until next time, don't forget to breathe! I'll be here trying to remember that same sentence myself.

Distracted? Who, me? ...oh look a butterfly!

Well, it's been a while since I posted anything. Sorry blogging world. Life has been crazy, to say the least. I've had some wonderful adventures! Life has been good as of late. Also busy and stressful, but really good. Loving the new home, not so much the roommate drama...but such is life. LOVED loved the trip to NYC! And mostly just taking things one day at a time with work and the like.

As per the norm of my blog, there is a new HIM in my life. And he's pretty great. In so many ways. However, I'm a little nervous right now, not knowing what's happening. I mean, I had been freaking out before because...well...we all know my track record lol. But just when I stopped freaking out, and started getting really excited about it, things seemed to change a little in the last week. I'm hoping it's just a coincidence and has to do with other things, and not with me or with us. But never the less, I'm a little nervous. Concerned. Something along those lines. But I've decided to try and stay calm, and to give it a couple weeks to see if things begin feeling more normal again before I say anything. I don't want to stir up any trouble if it's really nothing. I just need to remember to take deep breaths.

I'm really hoping he hasn't been rethinking things, because if that's the case I'm in for another heart break. It seems no matter how hard I try not to, sometimes it's inevitable and I still fall. Yup, I've fallen. Pesky feelings...why must the heart go against logic and the mind!? Oh well. That feeling of falling is kind of fun. And it's life experience. I suppose it's one of those things worth going for, because you never know until you try. Even though it hurts like hell most of the time. Here's hoping...

On an entirely different note...I'm STARVING! And food commercials should be banned. Sorry, guess I'm being a little ADD tonight haha.

So distracted, must be time to wrap this up. So until next time, don't forget to breathe!

I'm off for a movie night. Hopefully it won't be another 3 months until I post again. :) I'll try

The struggle of just loving me (myself and I)

A strange weekend coming to a close. The results of which are me sitting here contemplating on past situations, on life, and on the future. It's interesting how such a small turn of events can cause so much internal turmoil.

My thoughts on the past situation. On the HIM situation. I had wanted so badly to see him once more. To have some closure. To be able to say all the things I had observed and concluded. But I realize that with the conclusions I have come to, it's possibly best to just let go now. Because that closure I'm seeking is probably not there lying in that last goodbye, that last goodbye would probably just make it that much harder instead. It's obvious that his feelings for me have changed. It's clear that he doesn't want to see me, or to discuss anything. At the beginning being with him felt so amazing. Made me feel so amazing. I just knew that he cared. But now I know that he probably does not. Or at least not in the way I once thought. I need to just let myself move on. Let him move on. I wish I knew why letting go was so difficult. Letting go is always the hardest part of any goodbye. Damn those feelings.

"The only solution, is making the conclusion that it's just another lesson in life." --lyrics, You Never Stop Loving Somebody by Big and Rich

I remember when we started off. How thrilling it was to talk to him. Even the simplest conversations were so fulfilling. Everything about him made me feel special. Made me feel loved. And in the end it was the opposite. Every conversation made me feel judged. Made my heart break again and again. Made me feel despised. Like the love had vanished. The way he spoke to me completely changed. It should have made it easy to say goodbye. Say good riddance. Yet even after I had decided that I should just walk away, for some reason I couldn't actually do it. I told myself over and over again that I was done, but honestly I wasn't. I just couldn't manage to be honest with myself. So I just kept lying.

Even now, I so badly just want him to hold me. Want him to kiss me, and tell me that everything is going to be okay. Want him to be here with me in this very moment. If for no other reason than just to sit with me.

"You never stop loving somebody. No matter what you tell yourself. You never stop loving somebody. You just start loving somebody else." --lyrics, You Never Stop Loving Somebody by Big and Rich

I guess it's time for me to try just loving myself.

So this is me letting go. Or at least attempting to. I miss him badly, but I really hope that one day he finds that somebody who belongs in his life. That somebody that makes him feel alive. With feelings that never fade. A girl that's perhaps better suited than me. Apparently we weren't the right fit. But somewhere is his missing puzzle piece. I hope he realizes that he can have that. That he should have that. That he'll let that happen someday, and not lock himself in this nothingness place he seems to be holding up in now. Nobody is perfect, but everybody deserves to find love. I'm not convinced it's there for me, but just the same I hope he finds it out there somewhere. I wish happiness upon him. The future should be bright.

Aside from all the lingering feelings tied to the HIM I have spoken so much of in the past few months, I've managed to make my emotional state an even bigger disaster in the last weekend. There's now a different him to be concerned with. A kiss or two (or a few...something like that) can lead to so much awkwardness. How can you tell if you've thrown away a friendship? How can you tell what damage you've caused? How do you know how big a mistake you made, or if it's actually okay? I miss the way it was with my friend. I miss the way it was, and I don't know if I can have that back. I'm honestly afraid to try and talk to this one now, after the happenings of this weekend. Starting the year off right, with new confusion and frustration. I guess I'll wait, and see. Hopefully the friendship isn't completely damaged from this. Hopefully I won't need to add this to my list of regrets. Hopefully I haven't lost my buddy, my pal. I suppose time will tell. It's only been a couple days, I'll try not to jump to conclusions too quickly. I just have this sinking feeling in my gut. Maybe my instincts about how he feels on the matter are wrong.

On a brighter note, it's the new year. A new beginning. A fresh start.

It's been good in so many ways...new start, new year, new home. So many things to be excited about. I need to focus on that, and stop worrying about these situations. Easier said than done, but it is the time for resolutions after all. Worth a shot at least.

Until next time, don't forget to breathe.

"If I hate you, what does that do? So I breathe in and I count to 10" --lyrics, I Forgive You by Kelly Clarkson