Another late night rambling? Yep. Here we go.
So here I sit. Unable to sleep. Too much on my mind, yet again. Meekly trying to solve my problem with an episode of the "Big Bang Theory" playing in the background. An unsuccessful attempt, as the thoughts continue raging. At least, I THINK that is what's happening here. Something along those lines anyway.
Why is it that feelings always get in the way? Blasted emotions. Always undermining me. Constantly working towards my demise. I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this before, but I hate feelings. And apparently they hate me as well.
I start really liking a person, and I immediately start sabotaging things somehow. Sometimes I don't even notice. These walls around my heart are ever changing. Like a rubix cube. I'm not a girl, I'm a freaking puzzle! Even to myself at times.
It doesn't help when there are very reasonable doubts involved before the feelings are. Who needs to work against unreasonable odds when dating and feelings are hard enough before adding in these unreasonable odds?
Connections are difficult to make. And it seems the best ones I make are connections that can't work. Go figure. I've been saying that I'm broken for a long time, I guess I'm just collecting more proof of this lately. But why? Why can't I ever develop feelings in a situation that makes sense? I'm like my own personal HAZMAT. Give me bad situations, and that's where the emotions thrive. Logic? Screw that. We all know that matters of the heart are never logical, I guess that supplies the logic here.
I'm sick of feelings. I'm sick of caring. I'm sick of being scared. This stuff freaks me out, for real. Oh yeah, and about that, I'm also sick of being freaked out. Can I please just be 5 years old again? Things were so much simpler back when climbing trees, what to bring for show and tell, and can I reach the cookie jar were my biggest concerns in life. Oh sweet childhood. We never know what a treasure we hold with childhood, until it has already eluded us. What a cruel irony.
And back to my current issues. When I tell you "I don't trust people"...well, my dear, I'm not trying to make you angry or upset with that statement. I'm telling you the truth. Sorry to say, I'm not exaggerating. I honestly don't.
Once upon a time, I was one of those gullible girls who unconditionally believed in fairy tale esque things like true love, soul mates, and that everybody met that special someone. No question about it, I just knew it was true. Unlike the fairy tales, it doesn't actually happen that way. I can't honestly say that I still believe these things. Every once in a while my hope is momentarily restored. When I see those happy elderly couples. Still in love after so many years. No question in anybody's mind that they belong together. Still.
Those couples that make anyone feel warm and fuzzy inside, just looking at them. Still going strong in the elderly years. Still made for each other. The perfect matches. Two halves of a whole. And that love bug bites me again. But only for a moment, until I remember that we live in a different world these days. Things aren't like that anymore. And then I remember why these things freak me out. And I'm right back here, building more walls around myself to try and keep people out.
So now I don't trust people. Now I'm skeptical of everything and everyone, especially when it comes to my emotions and feelings. Is this the road to crazy cat lady status? Perhaps. Hermit-ville here I come? Who knows. Am I becoming cynical? Possibly. I've said this before, and for the record yes I do know it's a terrible joke, but here it is anyway. My name may be Crystal, but I don't own a crystal ball...I can't tell the future. I don't know how things will turn out. And I don't know how to navigate this effectively.
In any case, to whomever it may concern: I don't intend to upset you by my self built hazards. It accidentally happens occasionally. I do apologize, in a way, though I can't take back the fact that I feel skeptical about the situation. It's not a judgement of you, but of the world. I don't trust people, with good reason. Unfortunately that does include you at this point. Wish it didn't, but it does. And so, here I sit, unable to sleep, and ranting again.
Confusing situations in the emotional world of me. Confusing indeed.
And again, until next time, don't forget to breathe.
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