I honestly did think that I was past it. That I was over it. That I didn't care anymore. Turns out that I was wrong. It's funny how quickly the tides can change, not funny ha ha but funny peculiar. Actually, funny is the wrong word because any implication of funny ha ha would be very misleading. It's not funny at all. It's rather unfortunate.
Moments in life can bring such clarity to a briefly lost desire. And it's amazing how such clarity, can be so disconcerting. Superman has a fortress of solitude, perhaps that's what I need too. The only problem with that plan is that solitude leaves more opportunity for dwelling within this confusion.
"I got another night to get through, the only thing missing is you." --Lyrics, Only Thing Missing by Shannon Noll
I suppose it makes sense though, it's kind of difficult to work through a feeling if you're too busy repressing it. Probably not the best course of action for moving on. 'Aye aye cap'n...man the portcullis! They'll never be able to infiltrate our defenses sir!' But that kind of strategy also leaves a heart stagnant instead of just protected. Yet, even as I speak...write...these words, and acknowledge the truth in them, I can still feel myself adding another layer of brick onto the good ol' fortress of solitude here. Keep on hiding inside this tower of denial, that will work. Yeah, that will work real good.
Keep on pressing "forward". Just keep on filling the spaces of time with something. Anything. Work a few more shifts, a few more days. Keep busy when the work isn't there. If you're drowning in your own life you won't feel the sting of that thing you aren't over yet. I wonder if that was some sort of a subconscious factor in my current schedule. Did I do this to keep from feeling this way again? If I did, the plan must not have been constructed too well. I have rediscovered the buried feeling, despite the lack of free time. I do feel like I might burn out soon, from being so busy...but soon will probably be a while away still. I'm too stubborn to give it up just yet. 3 jobs, no problem. I guess I should probably be more realistic, it's technically only 2 1/2 jobs. Big difference, right? lol
Trying to maintain a healthy social life along with the intense work schedule is a bit draining. But again, I can't help beginning to wonder if this was something that I subconsciously did to myself on purpose. I said that I wasn't planning this, that it just sort of happened. What if deep down, part of me did plan it? Is this another defense mechanism? Another brick in the wall guarding my heart and soul? Another way for me to hide deeper within myself? Perhaps it is. Or perhaps it's just coincidence.
Either way, I have some more self discoveries to make. Some things to learn about yours truly. I'm even a mystery to me...so the question is: the mysterious woman thing, attractive or obnoxious? Doesn't matter, here I am.
You know how they say drowsy driving is as dangerous as drunk driving? I'm thinking that drowsy ranting is also as dangerous as drunken rantings. Oh well, it is what it is.
On that note, good night blogger. Good night world. And good night mysterious me.
