The broken shell; the torn girl.

"I remember someone old once said to me: 'That lies will lock you up with truth the only key.' But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell, and couldn't see this place would soon become my hell." --lyrics The Special Two, by Missy Higgins

How did I end up here? I'm still not sure. I don't remember coming or going, and the path seems far from where I stand. It's been a rather mystifying turn of events. I never would have imagined that things would/could turn out in that way, and that order. Somehow, it happened. And here I am. Trying to figure out what to do. Trying to figure out how I feel. And not knowing either one.

"I don't know what I've done. Or if I like what I've begun." --lyrics Where I Stood, by Missy Higgins

"Everything's changin' out of what I know, everywhere I go, I'm a mobile, I'm a mobile. Hangin' from the ceilin', life's a mobile, spinnin' 'round with mixed feelings, crazy and wild. Sometimes, I wanna scream out loud." --lyrics Mobile, by Avril Lavigne

I've been pondering for days, to no end and no conclusion. I still can't seem to muddle through this mess of emotions that exploded within me. I don't know what I think, or what I feel, or what I'm doing. I can't sort myself out. I can't see the big picture anymore. I'm irrevocably lost within myself. All these feelings whipping past me. I can't seem to solidly grab hold of anything anymore. Or at least not right now.

"Why do I rush to slow down? Why do I rush to slow down everything? Will the dice ever roll? When will I ever know? Will the plot ever twist, or will I still resist? I've been playing the part of a lost realist." --lyrics Lost Realist, by Trapt

It's hard to say what will happen next. I didn't expect the happenings that have already occurred to happen, so I guess anything goes at this point. From moment to moment there's just no saying what the possibilities are. But I suppose that's part of the beauty of life, the unpredictable. There's something so satisfying and yet simultaneously frustrating about the uncertainty of time. Lady fate is a devious being. Nobody knows where their own destiny truly lies.

"See I thought love was black and white. That it was wrong or it was right." --lyrics Where I Stood, by Missy Higgins

I don't know exactly how I feel about everything. I don't know how to describe this jumbled mess that I've become. I don't know what I want, or where I'm going anymore. I don't know a lot, but I do know that love is a relentless thing. And of all the things I don't know, I do know that I'm in love. Not quite sure how I ended up there either. Unexpected turn of events in this past short little while. Falling head over heels, is that a problem or a blessing?

"Don't know if this will last. Or if our time will come to pass. I'm not concerned with things like where or when. Don't know if it be wise to call that love there in your eyes. I just know it's good to feel this way again." --lyrics Wise, by Shannon Noll

I'm not sure of much these past few days. But sooner or later I'll be sure again. Sooner or later I'll get control of myself again. The world, the feelings, the confuzzlement, it will all come back into focus and be less confuzzling. Blasted discombobulation. I'm bound to regain my composure, right? Or will this disorientation last a lifetime? Heaven please bless that it isn't a permanent effect. I'm already getting dizzy.

"When you're young you have this image of your life: That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife. You make boundaries you'd never dream to cross, and if you happen to you wake completely lost." --lyrics The Special Two, by Missy Higgins

'Round and 'round we go...the ride is ever running, ever turning. The craziest joy ride ever; life. Grab on, buckle up, hang tight, and see what's around the next bend. Ready or not, here I come. Well, I'm not sure if IT'S ready or not, but I know I'M not. Yet, here I go anyway. I just can't forget to breathe, please don't forget to breathe.

Confessions of the flustered heart

Mis-communication. Concern. Worry. Apprehension. These things just happen, right? How can you know if it's a signal of something more? Some deeper rooted problem, or if it really is just that...a mis-communication? Frustration is a result of this situation. Here I am, frustrated. Confused, yet again. Lonely and upset.

Being an open book is NEVER an easy feat for me, I can't even accomplish that with myself. That's right, the girl can't even read herself. I honestly don't understand the majority of my own feelings. Half the time I don't even know WHAT I am feeling. I know something is there, but what? Yeah, no access to that information. I think I need an updated security clearance card, or something. Trying to explain what's going on inside of my own head, most of the time, is a nearly impossible task. Presently...or at least lately, I've been earnestly trying (adamantly) to be more expressive, because it seemed (seems) important; seemed (seems) worth it. That strong adoration motivating me through this difficult task. So how is it that I now must always openly express my thoughts and feelings, my mind, or I'm being difficult? Somebody can totally shut themselves off, and repeatedly avoid discussions of their own deepest thoughts/fears/concerns, but the moment I do something even remotely similar I'm being unfair. Well, don't wonder why I can't understand what's going on, when it seems as if I'm not allowed to discuss my concerns about the situation. Perhaps I should I just let my worry and fret fester on the inside instead. Somehow that plan seems skewed as well.

"Cap'n! More frustration coming in! Off the starboard side!" "Somebody, MAN THE PORTCULLIS!!!"

And so, here I'm left wondering what to do. Why can't there be a clear course of action? I find myself torn. I just want to get in my car, and drive straight there, to the source of distress. I also just want to curl up into a ball and go to sleep...but that could just be the lack of sleep talking on that one. My spidey senses are tingling, I only wish that I knew what they were trying to tell me. I swear they speak a different language, I wonder if I could get a refund...or perhaps exchange them for a different, and easier to use version, because mine seem to cause me more turbulence than smooth sailing. Pretty sure that's not the point of the warning they intend to offer...stupid spidey senses.

I hate it when I know what I want to say, and I know what I think I mean, yet I can't seem to accurately and eloquently express it. Everything seems to come out jumbled. I never wanted to cause any grief, yet somehow have managed to do exactly that. Once again, I managed to botch things up. Smooth, really smooth. Perceiving the hint of a problem sometimes turns into a bigger problem. I guess trying to avoid some things is inevitable. Funny (not funny ha-ha) how quickly the mood of a bond can change. Going from counting down the seconds until that next moment, to wondering if there even IS going to be a next moment.

As little as a day ago, I was consumed with a fluttering heart beat, giddiness, and basically just all around twitter-pation. For lack of a better word, passion. Today, all these symptoms remain, but apprehension (and nearly guilt) suddenly are interfering with the manifestation of them. I'm craving that untamed, non-blemished, non-corrupted passionate sensation. That feeling of desperately wanting. And that's how I feel...whether I like it or not. I can't ignore it. I am twitter-pated. Smitten. Let's face it, I'm enamored with you and your charms. Damn it. Love certainly is a fickle thing. And here's one of those million dollar questions: why can't affection just be simple??

And I leave you to mull that over, as I momentarily continue to delve through my own search of answers in this personal sea of melancholy.

Just don't forget to breathe.

Discombobulation

I haven't really had much time to sit and blog lately, let alone even just sit and think. I don't even know where to begin. Couldn't tell you what I'm thinking if I tried. My mind is racing, yet there are no traces of focused thought to be found. I don't know where I am, or where I'm going. I'm not entirely sure how I got here. Just, somehow...I ended up in this lonely field of dark bewilderment. Lost and confused; disoriented.

I was done. Just done. Sick of trying. Sick of failing. Sick of the whole game. Content with my solitude. Now I'm not so sure...

Hesitation has been my companion in the past few weeks. I'm scared. Terrified. Scared to move forward. Scared to move backward. Scared to try, yet again. Scared to not try. Scared to put my heart and soul, to put MYSELF on the line. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is a good idea in theory, but when actually executed the theory turns into a great potential for pain. But then there's that whole, you never know unless you try, thing. And who wants to live with regret of not trying?

"How many times can I break 'till I shatter? Over the line, can't define what I'm after." --lyrics, Shattered by O.A.R.

So my defense mechanism of choice, became hesitation. Isolation. I kept trying to hide myself. Hide my heart. Bottle my emotions up, and lock them safe on a shelf in a jar...where they can do no damage. No damage to me, no damage to anyone else. No harm, no foul. The trouble is, I can't seem to pull it off. I don't mean to let people in; for the most part I don't let people in, at all. But every once in a while, someone manages to traverse my defenses and leave me feeling discombobulated.

And here I am. How did I get here? Suddenly I find myself beyond that point of intrigued. My heart all a flutter. Wondering what could become of this; where this thing could go. Contemplating the time old question: What if? Here I am, hurdling my own defenses. Now I'm outside of the ivory tower. Outside my own emotional wall perimeters. And for what? How did I get here? When did I jump? Plunging, on my own, into the center of that bewildering field. That "no ends to be seen on the horizon" lonely field. Cold and defenseless. Feeling vulnerable. Emotionally exposed. And now that same fear which had somehow magically melted away (I suppose, with all those warm moments), yeah, it's starting to sink in again. I'm left sitting here, a bit anxious and distraught. Dreading the conclusions, too afraid to find out what's going to happen. But too anxious to wait for the answers, and almost needing to know now. Torn. Contradicting myself. Yep, here I am.

At least I have plenty of distractions to ease the worry as I wait. Perhaps I'll start looking for a way back inside my emotional barricades...could be soothing to lock myself up again. In the mean time, life goes on. Here's to taking it one day at a time! :) Onward, ever onward. Life is forever moving on. Ready or not, here I come!

And until next time, don't forget to breathe!