Where to start? ...So much has been happening, I don't know where to start. I guess just starting wherever is as good a place as any.
Once upon a time I wasn't terrified of love. But now, now the story has definitely changed. It's safe to say that I've now become afraid of that one thing everybody wants and needs. I mean, don't get me wrong here, I still yearn for it. With every fiber of my being. I still desire to have love in my life. To find that ever elusive, fickle thing called love. I want it, possibly, more than anything else. However, that yearning desire doesn't stop me from fearing it. It doesn't stop that pesky L word, love thing, from scaring the HELL out of me.
Needless to say, I'm very gun shy in relationships. I hesitate to jump too fast. It generally doesn't stop me from jumping all together, but it just takes me a while to get to that point where I can jump. Usually, longer than it takes most people to get to that point. See, I've built up these walls around my heart for protection. I hold myself back in order to attempt protecting myself from getting hurt. Doesn't always work out so well either. And it's apparently really hard for most people to understand. I guess, the way I see it, the only way for somebody to understand it is for them to have similar feelings and reservations. Until you build up these kind of emotional safe guards within yourself, you don't know or understand just how distressful it can be when you start seeing yourself bypassing these safe guards. It surely makes it easy for your mind and emotions to go into code red, freak out mode.
So, I have built up this intricate series of emotional safe guards. I've been building up this invisible security system around myself for years. Fine tuning this to a point where I can be totally unaware of how far out of a position I have actually taken myself. Sometimes I honestly think I've been opening up, only to realize that actually I have not been opening up at all.
If you know anything about me, you know that I'm a walking contradiction in so many ways and on so many levels in my life. So this should come as no shock, my emotions are no different. In the category "Matters of the heart", I can definitely be a walking contradiction as well. Sometimes my own emotions can be mysterious even to me. Especially to me.
Now that I have given you an idea of just how hard relationships are for me to navigate in the beginning stages, I can go into story mode.
I started sort of seeing, or dating, this really amazing man recently. In the last few weeks. We seemed to hit it off instantly. I felt very, very comfortable with him from the get go. It appeared that he seemed to feel the same way. It's been crazy, and very scary, how quickly I found myself starting to get attached to him. I KNEW that I liked him without a doubt. What I didn't, or rather couldn't (maybe wouldn't) let myself know was exactly how much it was that I liked him. There's those fine, high quality emotional safe guards at work again.
He had stopped seeing other people. I knew he wasn't seeing anyone else. I knew I hadn't felt the desire to see anyone else, and hadn't been setting up any other dates since we met. However, I was also very hesitant to jump to "relationship" mode. It's me. I don't jump. I refuse to jump. Not quickly. I HAVE to take my time...if you try to force me into something like that too quickly, it generally results in losing me altogether. He knew I was hesitating for that status. He also knew that I wasn't ruling it out in the future. Obviously I knew I liked him, I would consider making things more serious. The key was, in the future. I didn't know how long that meant. I just knew I was too freaked out to do it now. And the more I began to like him, the more scared and freaked out I began to get. Self destructive safe guards I have here, indeed.
Anyway, here I was. Not wanting a relationship, but not wanting separation either. Basically I had no idea what I wanted. And that was disconcerting in itself. Then one night, he seems distant. Or vaguely upset. Or...I couldn't tell what, but just seemed off. I asked him what the face meant (which I do a lot, but this time it was apparent to be more than a normal "what was that face for?", I was slightly concerned). He insisted it was nothing. I was falling asleep. He left to go home, and then after leaving he texted me admitting that he was upset/frustrated. Which was a bit frustrating to me, wishing he had talked to me about it before leaving instead of having a little "text fight" while I was falling asleep. I knew if I tried to straighten it out then, I would end up falling asleep between texts and making matters worse so I tell him we need to discuss it later. The next morning I text him (knowing he's asleep still since he works graveyards) saying that I know he's sleeping. Saying that I'm sorry, and that I really do like him. Admitting to him that I'm actually really surprised by how much I like him. All of which is true. Those safe guards I have in place aren't fully working. Emotions are getting through. Strong emotions. This can be pretty scary. So I send the text containing all of this very true information, of which I mean every single word.
Shortly after sending the text, and before the amazing man awakens to discuss anything with me, another guy texts me. A guy who has been trying to take me out for quite some time, all the while I've been basically shrugging him off because I had no desire to set up other dates. Well this other guy texts, asking again to meet me for coffee. I'm still really upset. Really confused. Concerned that all of my serious conversations or disputes will become text fights, fearing that he will never speak to me in person about issues, thus causing issues to become bigger. Fearing the fact that I'm thinking so intently about a possible future with this man. Upset and unable to decipher so many things. And waiting on a response to a text that I feared would end with him dumping me anyway. Just all kinds of counterproductive thoughts and emotions racing through me, which I couldn't control or figure out. So I agree to a coffee date. Needing a distraction. Needing to stop thinking. Needing...something...but not knowing what.
Here's where the mistake kicks in (sort of). So coffee/hot chocolate "date" is set up. I arrange the time. Stop worrying for the time being. Now later on, after all this takes place, the man wakes up and responds. We talk a bit. Sort of diffuse the mini text fight. Diffuse the situation. In the mean time, my tire blows out on my car. Second flat in two weeks. I tell him that I'm changing a tire. He offers to come pick me up from the tire place so I don't have to sit there waiting. Such a sweetheart. He melted my face into a smile right then. As we're out and about the tire place calls me back with unfortunate news, letting me know additional work needs to be done in order to repair the problem, along with the alignment we had discussed. Second piece of bad news being that they can't get to it that night and need to keep my car over night. I'm trying to figure out how to get to work the next day. Without missing a beat he IMMEDIATELY offers to drive me back to work so I can finish what I need to. Offers to come pick me up from work again when I'm done and take me home. AND offers to come pick me up in the morning (after his graveyard shift) to give me a ride to work in the morning. Total knight in shining armor. Total sweep me off my feet kind of moment. This amazing man just became even more amazing. I began to like him even more. I forget momentarily that I've set up a coffee date.
Next day, the time for the coffee meeting approaches and that other guy texts to confirm. I probably should have canceled it. Not entirely sure why I didn't. Heaven knows I'm falling for this amazing man. I begin to admit to myself that I'm falling for this amazing man. But that's probably half the reason I didn't cancel. I'm having a mental freak out still. My safe guards are beginning to malfunction and come down, and that's scaring the shit out of me. So I go get hot chocolate. There's the mistake. But it's only sort of a mistake, because the second part of this is: while I'm sitting here in this little coffee shop, all I can think is "I wish I was here with that amazing guy. I wish I was sitting here with Andrew." And in that moment, when all I can think about is him, and I'm barely even aware of the conversation I'm having with this other person, I had a moment of clarity. A realization. One of those "EUREKA!" kind of moments. Suddenly it became clear that I absolutely did not want to date or see anybody else. At all. Not just that I didn't have an urge to seek out anything else, but that the thought of agreeing to see anybody else actually upset me. That this incredible individual was actually all I wanted, and nothing else. Which, is also scary. And so the nervousness about the whole thing doesn't leave. But I have now officially made the decision that I absolutely do NOT want to see anybody else, not just kinda thought it, I now KNOW for sure.
I go straight to my brother's house from this awkward coffee meet up, and talk to him about the situation. Confide in him for advice and to help me sort out this jumble of emotions and thoughts that has become my walking mess. He helps me straighten it out, and make it even more clear and apparent that I've made a decision to basically jump. Speaking with him, and just discussing everything makes it impossible to ignore the fact that not only am I falling for this guy. I'm falling hard. Really hard. And there's no stopping it. So, I'm sitting there figuring out how and when is the best way to go about telling Andrew about this. To tell him how I now feel. To get all of this out, in the open, where it should be.
The next night I get my chance. There seems to be a perfect opening in our conversation to insert the information. To let him know "hey so I went on this coffee date, and it made me realize how much I really care for you and how I just want you and only you" That's the gist of what I'm trying to say here. Simple, right? Wrong. He is very upset and hurt. I knew he wouldn't be happy about the "date" if you can call it that, but I thought he would be happy about the results of the evening. That the conclusion it brought me to was the important part. It was, after all, the important part to me. I didn't care at all about the 20 minutes I spent absent mindedly making small talk. I didn't care about the awkward encounter ending with no contact whatsoever. I didn't care about the wasted time. Because to me it wasn't wasted. To me, it showed me what I couldn't allow myself to want all this time. It showed me where I actually stood, which is something I've been trying to figure out this whole time. It showed me that I shouldn't be scared, despite still being nervous. It showed me that I wanted to move forward. Who knows how long it would have taken me to get past all the jumble in my head and heart without this event?
So it was a mistake. Yes. It hurt this amazing man, which was never my intent. I honestly didn't realize it would upset and hurt him this much. And I regret that. Deeply. I wish I could take it back, for that reason. However, I find it difficult to fully regret something which taught me so much. How can I regret something that gave me clarity? How can something that opens a heart be a mistake?
Yes, I regret having hurt him. And I'm very sorry for that. Deeply and truly. I wish there was something more than apology I could do about that. It was never, ever my intent at all. But I still can't bring myself to regret the side of this horrible situation which gave me realization and courage to try and move past my fear. I don't know how long it would have taken me to reach this same point otherwise. This made me learn something about myself, and how to grow, and how to let go, to try and move towards removing the safe guards permanently. It showed me that I needed to, I could have never admitted that before. How can I fully regret something that helped me move forward? I can't. I wish I could have gotten to this point without upsetting him. I wish I had stumbled upon these answers by some other means. But I didn't. I definitely would take back hurting him if I could, no question about that. But on the other hand I'm extremely glad and grateful that I was able to get here at all.
So now I meet with this amazing man I've fallen for tonight. To talk. To discuss. To see if it's possible to straighten this out. There is no guarantee I can. This may have been a deal breaker. This could potentially be the end. What a cruel irony, now I've finally figured out what I want and the way I figure it out could be the end of it. What happens if my discovery process is also the way I lost my discovery? Cruel, cruel irony. It's like a sick joke. But either way, I'm thankful I was able to see all of this. And if I have to move on, I'm a big tough girl so that's exactly what I'll do. Hopefully I can use this learning experience to help me later as well. Scratch that, hopefully I don't have to. Hopefully all of his trust in me isn't destroyed. Hopefully he can see that I didn't mean it to turn into this. Hopefully this hasn't dissolved his feelings for me.
I'm crossing my fingers that there is still something left to salvage. Only our talk tonight will be able to tell me. I'm freaking out and completely scared again, but now for an entirely different reason than before. It's funny how that works. Crystal, that's me...always a walking contradiction.
