My thoughts on the past situation. On the HIM situation. I had wanted so badly to see him once more. To have some closure. To be able to say all the things I had observed and concluded. But I realize that with the conclusions I have come to, it's possibly best to just let go now. Because that closure I'm seeking is probably not there lying in that last goodbye, that last goodbye would probably just make it that much harder instead. It's obvious that his feelings for me have changed. It's clear that he doesn't want to see me, or to discuss anything. At the beginning being with him felt so amazing. Made me feel so amazing. I just knew that he cared. But now I know that he probably does not. Or at least not in the way I once thought. I need to just let myself move on. Let him move on. I wish I knew why letting go was so difficult. Letting go is always the hardest part of any goodbye. Damn those feelings.
"The only solution, is making the conclusion that it's just another lesson in life." --lyrics, You Never Stop Loving Somebody by Big and Rich
I remember when we started off. How thrilling it was to talk to him. Even the simplest conversations were so fulfilling. Everything about him made me feel special. Made me feel loved. And in the end it was the opposite. Every conversation made me feel judged. Made my heart break again and again. Made me feel despised. Like the love had vanished. The way he spoke to me completely changed. It should have made it easy to say goodbye. Say good riddance. Yet even after I had decided that I should just walk away, for some reason I couldn't actually do it. I told myself over and over again that I was done, but honestly I wasn't. I just couldn't manage to be honest with myself. So I just kept lying.
Even now, I so badly just want him to hold me. Want him to kiss me, and tell me that everything is going to be okay. Want him to be here with me in this very moment. If for no other reason than just to sit with me.
"You never stop loving somebody. No matter what you tell yourself. You never stop loving somebody. You just start loving somebody else." --lyrics, You Never Stop Loving Somebody by Big and Rich
I guess it's time for me to try just loving myself.
So this is me letting go. Or at least attempting to. I miss him badly, but I really hope that one day he finds that somebody who belongs in his life. That somebody that makes him feel alive. With feelings that never fade. A girl that's perhaps better suited than me. Apparently we weren't the right fit. But somewhere is his missing puzzle piece. I hope he realizes that he can have that. That he should have that. That he'll let that happen someday, and not lock himself in this nothingness place he seems to be holding up in now. Nobody is perfect, but everybody deserves to find love. I'm not convinced it's there for me, but just the same I hope he finds it out there somewhere. I wish happiness upon him. The future should be bright.
Aside from all the lingering feelings tied to the HIM I have spoken so much of in the past few months, I've managed to make my emotional state an even bigger disaster in the last weekend. There's now a different him to be concerned with. A kiss or two (or a few...something like that) can lead to so much awkwardness. How can you tell if you've thrown away a friendship? How can you tell what damage you've caused? How do you know how big a mistake you made, or if it's actually okay? I miss the way it was with my friend. I miss the way it was, and I don't know if I can have that back. I'm honestly afraid to try and talk to this one now, after the happenings of this weekend. Starting the year off right, with new confusion and frustration. I guess I'll wait, and see. Hopefully the friendship isn't completely damaged from this. Hopefully I won't need to add this to my list of regrets. Hopefully I haven't lost my buddy, my pal. I suppose time will tell. It's only been a couple days, I'll try not to jump to conclusions too quickly. I just have this sinking feeling in my gut. Maybe my instincts about how he feels on the matter are wrong.
On a brighter note, it's the new year. A new beginning. A fresh start.
It's been good in so many ways...new start, new year, new home. So many things to be excited about. I need to focus on that, and stop worrying about these situations. Easier said than done, but it is the time for resolutions after all. Worth a shot at least.
Until next time, don't forget to breathe.
"If I hate you, what does that do? So I breathe in and I count to 10" --lyrics, I Forgive You by Kelly Clarkson
