I try so hard to be careful and cautious. To take things slow and not rush. To try and guard my heart. I put up these walls to keep people from getting in, yet for some reason the few times I let them down a bit all hell breaks loose and my emotions get stomped on. "The Universe" is kind of a bitch sometimes. No matter how hard I try, I can't get around the fact that love bites, and it bites hard.
...Oh shoot...did I just say love? I've been avoiding that word. Refraining from saying that. But I guess that's pretty much where I'm at again. Damn it. Damn him. Damn feelings. And damn that bloody L-word. It's supposed to be amazing, but I keep finding the harsh kind instead. It sneaks up on you and slips in without warning. It plays games with you, and definitely doesn't play fair most of the time. It's a fickle thing we call love. Wonderful and awful all at the same time. Complicating life for mortal man since it's invention. Both a super hero and a super villain of sorts. ...oh love.
"If I fall, can ya let me down easy? If I leave my heart with you tonight, will you promise me that you're gonna treat it right? I'm barely hangin on, so if I fall, can you let me down easy?" --lyrics from Let Me Down Easy, by Billy Currington
Don't get me wrong, things aren't exactly over just yet. I'm not totally sure what's going to happen with him. With US. But I do know that either way, my heart is aching right now.
I knew that things were different between us, that something had changed, but I tried to keep myself from jumping to conclusions. I could feel it building, but told myself to calm down. I told myself it was probably because we just spent 9 days of 24/7 time together, that it had strained us and would fix itself with a little space. But my intuition told me it was more than that, and as usual my gut feeling was correct.
Maybe it's heading for a heart break. Maybe it's not. It's just one of those things that only time will tell. One thing is for sure, I've developed really strong feelings. And I still care about him, so much; no matter what. Either way, I'll still care. Always. Why'd I have to go and fall so hard? You'd think I'd know better by now! Oh well, it's too late now.
"There's too many things that I haven't done yet. Too many sunsets I haven't seen. You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down. You would've thought by now I'd have learned something." --lyrics from Many the Miles, by Sara Bareilles
So we've decided to kind of play it by ear, and see if we can figure this thing out. But if things keep going like this, I don't see how it can get any better. If we stay stuck in a lack of communication zone, eventually we'll have to take the nearest exit. That's the opposite of what I want, but facts are facts. Things have definitely changed, and unless we can figure out why, or how to fix it, or both...we may have to face those facts.
I'm not sure how it can change like that. We used to talk constantly. For hours on end. About everything. About nothing. It was just comforting to know I always had him in my court. Over the years of friendship, and then trying the something more. I could always tell him anything. I felt safe. Talking to him made me feel better about everything. But I hesitated to jump anyway. I like to be cautious. I don't like to rush. And I knew from the beginning that the distance could be a big deal. That it could be more than a big deal. He was still so sure, it made me start believing we could make it work too...but here we are, in limbo. All of our talk of how we could do this, and how we wanted it so much we'd be able to put the work in for it, blah blah blah...it's just that, talk. Unless we can somehow bounce back from this, and walk the walk too. **shrug**
When the going gets tough, the tough get going? But what if you want to stay? Are you still tough?
"You loved me 'cause I'm fragile. When I thought that I was strong. But you touch me for a little while, and all my fragile strength is gone." --lyrics from Gravity, by Sara Bareilles
How did I get here? I told myself I wasn't going to do this again. Here I am.
"Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love. All my resistance will never be distance enough." --lyrics Wreck of the Day, by Anna Nalick
To quote one of my earlier blog posts, "Love is like the Borg, resistance is futile." That's as true to me now as it was back then.
I didn't want to fall, but I'm here on the floor again. I don't want to just let this go. I want to grasp tightly to it; keep my grip and hang on for dear life. But that won't work. I can't force somebody to be with me. Or to want to be. Either the feelings are still there for both parties, or it's a lost cause. You can't build upon a broken foundation or the structure will crumble. So if it turns out he doesn't feel that way anymore, I'll suck it up. Pick myself up. Brush myself off. And keep on trudging along (somehow). I'm a big girl. I'm tougher than I like to admit. I can pull up my big girl panties and be a grown up. No matter how much I want to make it work, I'm not one to beg (and that would never work anyway. At least not for any kind of quality, strong, meaningful relationship. And if I'm not getting something meaningful, then what's the point in holding on? I want the real deal someday).
My only hope is that we can get back to some sort of rhythm with our communication. That would at least help us sort out this jumbled mess of confusion. If we can get back to talking like us again. At least maybe then we could tell what we're doing. Figure out what we really want and/or need. Figure out where to go, or what the right thing to do in this case is. Besides, I miss that as much, if not more, than I miss him. The way we used to talk.
It's funny how the tables have turned, and our roles have switched. In the beginning I was the unsure one, and he was so convinced and certain. Now I'm the sure one, and he's hesitating. The pages turned, just not at the same time. It's like we're reading different parts of the story and trying to read together. Maybe we're stuck on different pages now. I'm sure it's possible to fix, but I don't really know how. Where do you begin?
Now I'm left feeling like a burden.
Feeling torn. Knowing what I want, but not sure if I should even say anything. Wanting desperately to have that person I could tell everything to, but not being able to tell him that. Wondering if I'm like a pest now. Just pestering and bothering. Before the last little while I had never wondered that, never needed to. It was always obvious and apparent exactly how he felt. But it seems his mind has changed.
"Driving away from the wreck of the day. And the light's always red in the rear-view. Desperately close to a coffin of hope, I'd cheat destiny just to be near you. If this is giving up, then I'm giving up. If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up on love, On love." --lyrics from Wreck of the Day, by Anna Nalick
So here I hold my tears at bay.
And I wait. What I'm waiting for is still unknown; but still, wait I must. I can't let go. At least not yet. Don't want to in any case, but I know that it's possible I may have to at some point. So I brace myself for that let down. For that fall to the hard ground. I prepare myself for the goodbye I so badly dread. I know I can handle it, though I don't want to. Won't be easy, but I will get by. That sliver of anticipation remains, letting me hope I won't have to. So I cling to that for the time being.
"When the evening shadows and the stars appear, and there is no one there to dry your tears. I could hold you for a million years, to make you feel my love. I know you haven't made your mind up yet, but I would never do you wrong. I've known it from the moment that we met. No doubt in my mind where you belong." --lyrics from Make You Feel My Love, by Bob Dylan
And here I bring this blog post to a close. Nighty night blog, sleep tight world, or something like that.
Until next time, don't forget to breathe! I'll be here trying to remember that same sentence myself.
