Love is like the Borg, resistance is futile.

Seems like my life has been falling apart for a long while now. Sure, there have been a lot of good points as well, there always are. But, when I'm honest with myself, I'm getting really sick of picking up the pieces and trying to make a masterpiece. It's hard to paint a pretty picture of anything with only shards of hope and shattered dreams. Then again, life is always going to consist of moving forward despite the pain. If there was no pain, we wouldn't be alive.

"Maybe souls, are just like glass, more beautiful when stained" --lyrics, My Church Of Memories by Sara Haze

Perhaps one of the most beautiful things we possess is life. And life is all about the ups and the downs. The good and the bad. The joy and the pain. Without pain, there would be no joy. How could we ever truly enjoy or appreciate the good times, if we had no bad times to contrast? Every single moment, whether it be good or bad, is precious. Every single moment matters. Every single moment counts. And every moment is a gift. I know these words to be true, but even so, I am struggling with facing those facts at the moment. Sometimes when you're in one of the dips of life, it's hard to see the big picture. Life is like a roller coaster, complete with ups and downs, the secret is to learn how to just enjoy the ride. I'm working on it. It's also like a beautiful and elaborate dance. You twist, you turn, you sway, you dip, sometimes you change partners, but in the end every little step was just a part of the final product.

I made a decision. I can't hang around in limbo anymore. My feelings have grown too strong to remain undefined. Either it's going somewhere or it isn't. Either I embrace it, or I let it go. You know, this whole decision was supposed to make things easier. Tears and haunted dreams are pointing toward another conclusion. It will get easier, right? I don't mean to be one of those overly dramatic, oh woe is me, boys suck and stomp on your heart kind of girls. But love is a fickle thing. It can't be controlled. It can't be avoided. And it will rip you to shreds if it gets the chance. And yet, it's the most desirable thing in existence. Everybody yearns for it. And when it's not going rancid, it is the most delectable experience imaginable. The hard part is harvesting the ripe one. How do you know which and when to pick?

"The trouble with love is, It can tear you up inside, Make your heart believe a lie, It's stronger than your pride, The trouble with love is, It doesn't care how fast you fall, And you can't refuse the call, See you got no say at all" --lyrics, The Trouble With Love Is by Kelly Clarkson

I know that it needed to happen. And I know that I couldn't keep hanging around, ignoring the tugging of my heart strings, waiting for nothing. But I miss him just the same. I miss him too much. I long for those arms to hug, and those hands to hold. Those kisses on my lips, cheeks, or forehead. I feel as though I lost not only a date, but my best friend. I'm not sure how I managed to get so close to him, or why I feel so connected but I did and I do. Because of this (at least I think that is the reason) I find myself questioning my decision though I know that I should not. I know this sounds crazy. I know that I shouldn't be so affected. Yet, somehow I am. I fell in love. And once love gets involved there is no logic left. Love isn't reasonable. Love can't be explained. Love can't be planned or analyzed. Proceedings of the heart answer to nobody, not even you. So I'll try to let go. One little step at a time. I simply must remember to just keep breathing. Life goes on whether you want it to or not.

"Laugh laugh laugh. Laughter is a tonic. So forget crying. Cry, and you cry alone. Laugh and you... cry alone later." --From the play Laughing Wild by Christopher Durang

Last night I dreamed that we started over. No expectations. Just pretending it was a fresh start and seeing where it led. Hand in hand, we tried again. And it was the most beautiful dream. But when I awoke it wasn't beautiful anymore. And it brought the tears I thought were gone back again. But tears help to grow your strength. And so I let them fall for a moment. And onward I go. On the road to recovery. Healing is a long process. I'll be there soon. And I feel like a small child on a long road trip pleading with mommy and daddy "Are we there YET??" Not yet, but soon.