Here I sit. Enveloped in this self destructive thought: "What is wrong with me?"
Logically, I know that I shouldn't allow these thoughts to linger. Yet, for some reason I can not seem to push them from my mind this evening. Heaven knows the answer to this question is a list a mile long. I have my faults, just as any other human living on this little blue dot we call Earth, we call home. For some reason, despite all this knowledge, I can't seem to shake this feeling that it's more than just those general faults. That there is some bigger picture. Something seriously wrong or disturbed in me. Something that causes so much doubt, and pain, and trouble in my life. If knowledge is half the battle, why does it seem the battle has just begun? With all my knowledge I can't fight this off.
Don't get me wrong, things have been going really, really well for me lately. I can list so many great aspects in my life. I'm truly blessed, and I truly love where I am. I have a great job, which I love. I'm doing well at said job. Making progress in a lot of areas of my life. Taking steps toward trying to make myself a better person. Trying to improve. Growing. And up until just very recently I had a fabulous relationship that was going really well. Now, I'm not sure on that last point. It's a fabulous relationship indeed, I just am unsure about the going really well part. Still trying to figure out exactly where I stand. That small fact aside, I have so much to be grateful for. So much to be proud of. So much to look forward to.
But this empty feeling is coming from somewhere else. Perhaps I just can't deal with stress anymore, because I seem to have more than my fair share as of late. At times I think my tests of strength aren't scattered and spread well enough. It seems I barely have time to recover before the next test of my strength comes along to weaken my spirits again. I marvel at the cruel joke. How can I continue to get through everything with my head held high, if I'm not able to get back up to par before being dwindled down lower again? And maybe that's where this feeling is stemming from. Just that, and that alone. Or maybe not.
I can't help but wonder if it's something more though. I've worked so hard. Worked so hard on my self esteem and self image. But it seems no matter how hard I work, I fall back into this pit of self doubt and near self loathing time and time again. I'm not sure how many times I can climb to pull myself out again. How long until I pass near self loathing and fall completely into that hole; into actual self loathing?
I have been fighting back these tears for a couple of weeks now, being the emotion bottler that I am. Here, now, this night, I can't fight them back any longer. So they fall. As they fall they bring with them that enveloping thought. Now I sit, and I cry, and I wonder. Needing to sleep, yet sleep eluding. Instead, just, hollow...something...maybe fear? Hollow fear. Is that what this feeling is? I honestly can't tell. I can't describe what I feel.
Exhaustion? Stress? Fear? Sorrow? Self doubt is for sure, but what is triggering it?
I've struggled so hard in my life to become confident. It seems as though the struggle will never fully be over for me. As I grow, the battles become less frequent. But also as I grow, the falls are that much harder. Deeper. Longer. And the climb to get back where I was becomes more difficult. I will pull myself up again, I know that I will. It's just hard to say when. And so, the question returns again, "What is wrong with me?"
I feel like there is more than simple faults. I feel like there is something major, gnawing at me. And I don't know why. I don't know where it's coming from. All I know is that I feel like that damaged little girl I once was. I feel like that high school student watching helplessly as my life falls apart. The memories are haunting me. Or maybe just the feelings are. Or maybe it's both. I'm just trying to breathe. Sobbing, isn't this supposed to help me cry myself to sleep?
I'm tired. To quote myself from an earlier posting:
"When I'm honest with myself, I'm getting really sick of picking up the pieces and trying to make a masterpiece. It's hard to paint a pretty picture of anything with only shards of hope and shattered dreams. Then again, life is always going to consist of moving forward despite the pain. If there was no pain, we wouldn't be alive."
And that statement still rings true today. My life still has a tendency to fall apart and scatter around my feet leaving me feeling helpless. It did then. It does now. It probably always will. Perhaps it's just part of life. No matter the reason, I am tired.
I've said this before, but I'm saying it again: tears help to grow your strength. Like watering a garden, it's necessary. And so I let them fall for a moment. And onward I go. Difficult, yes, but with nowhere else to go except forward, I'm left with little choice. So onward indeed. Now I'm just hoping that this little venting session I've allowed myself will grant me the precious commodity of sleep. Now that the tear shed is thinning perhaps I'll try again.
Things should look better in the morning. Sleeping on problems is supposed to make them more manageable, or so I hear, so I'm giving it a shot. Back on the journey to discovering myself, once again. Forever. And always.
Deep breaths.
Thanks for listening...or for reading. And as always, don't forget to breathe. I'm trying over here.
Breathing. In. And out. Deep Breaths. I can't forget to breathe.
