At a loss for eloquence...

Sometimes I find it very easy to express myself through words. They just flow through me and all of a sudden they're there. Sometimes it just happens. Other times, it's not quite so easy to express myself eloquently. Because sometimes, I don't even know what I'm thinking, really. The thoughts are there, but I'm unable to describe them. Those are the moments when somebody asks me "What are you thinking?" and I don't have an answer. In those moments, when I'm at a loss for eloquence, I usually just say "I don't know" or "Nothing". The person asking usually thinks that I'm lying or that I don't want to talk about it. Well, on occasion it may be that I don't want to talk about it, but generally those answers simply mean that I have no idea how to express what is there. I hate that feeling. But maybe that's only because I'm spoiled in a way. I'm just used to being able to bend words in the way that I mean; accustomed to being able to make my thoughts sound just the way they seem to inside my head. And so when I can't, it gets very frustrating to me.

I'm not really sure why I decided to mention any of that, but it's the first thing that came to my mind when I opened this screen to type. It was the first thing to flow through my finger tips, so there it is. And it is, what it is.

[Insert witty segue here] I think I'm really getting close to that letting go place. I mean, part of me will always love him. But, I may be able to form that love into something more platonic. I am forever changed for knowing him, and for loving him. I think that I needed to have this experience to learn some things about myself. Now for moving on, life can't go anywhere but forward. There is no rewind button. Can't go back. Can't change...things. And that's okay.

Also, I believe that I've had an epiphany, of sorts. All of this lost love feeling has made me realize something. I will not settle. I want the real deal. I want to be swept off my feet, and find somebody who loves me as much as I do them. I want somebody who's going to want me the same way. No more emotionally unavailable, nonchalant nonsense. Sure, I'm still down for the casual dates here and there, but I'm not going to invest anything of myself where there is no mutual investment. Because I'm done standing around letting life happen to me.

Having experienced what it feels like to truly believe another person cares for you and your well being without a doubt, I will never accept less than that again. I want somebody who's willing to put things aside to take care of something more important. Somebody who can tell the difference between just another bad day and being truly upset. Somebody who's willing to drop what they're doing to be there for me when I need it. Most of my past dating experiences have been rather empty. This one, as painful as it has been to let it end (like I must) taught me a valuable lesson. I deserve somebody who is going to put forth equal effort. He taught me a little bit about how it should be, and I don't think that he even knew he was teaching me anything. He was just being himself. For all the reasons that we can not be together, there were so many good qualities between us, which I will never forget.

A relationship can not be held up by one person. And while I knew this all along, I had a tendency to be too lenient with how emotionally supportive a potential guy proved himself to be. Just because I'm strong and can deal with things myself, doesn't mean that I should have to. I'm not saying that on our first date a brand new guy has to be able to read me like an open book or help me forget my cares. That's unreasonable. It will never magically happen that fast. But, if there aren't signs of somebody who's going to try to understand me and what I'm feeling, then what's the point? Sure we can hang out and have fun, but we'll know it's not really going anywhere.

"Somewhere waiting for me, there is someone I'm longing to see, someone I simply can't help but adore, someone who'll thrill me forever. Someday my prince will come, someday I will find the one, though he's far away, he'll find my love someday, someday when my dreams come true." --Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Someday I'll find that one person, whom I can talk to about anything. That will never scrutinize me. Somebody that I can open up to fully, truly, and completely...and never feel judged. That person who will take the time to figure out why I'm acting off, even when I think I'm putting on a good show and think that nobody can tell I'm upset. My other half. He doesn't necessarily have to drive miles and miles in the middle of the night simply to hold my hand because I sound distressed on the phone...but that is the type of gesture that I'm talking about. I want somebody who is not only going to be like that in the beginning, but forever and for always.

No longer can I say, "I'm a heart battered and bruised, not yet broken." For I've had a bit of that standard thing called heart break. Aching of the heart is never pleasant, but I know that I'll be a stronger person because of it. It will heal, and I'll be able to patch it up and move on. One day, perhaps, I'll find somebody who will accept my damaged goods, without seeing any damage at all. And if that day never comes, I'll stand strong still. I can handle whatever time throws my way. There's no use in fretting about things that are out of our control. But now I know that I will not accept anything less than real. If a man can't take my hand and by my side, face the turmoils that may come, then he is not the man for me. I want a partner in life and in everything. Who will take on the world with me, hand in hand, together. And until I find that man, I'll attempt to navigate my way through the complicated land of dating.

Restless rantings/let time do all the talking

I thought that I was tired, and yet here I sit, unable to sleep. As I attempt to attain slumber, thoughts run recklessly through my head. What is it that has my mind racing, you might ask? Well that's a good question. I couldn't tell you if I tried. Too much going through my mind, but nothing solid enough that I can pinpoint or explain. I suppose I shall use this stolen moment of the night to blog, briefly. If I'm lucky, it will help to alleviate the unrelenting stomping of the hooves (as my mind is like a racetrack complete with horses galloping around, the horses being my thoughts).

This should be interesting, since I have no idea what it is that I'm going to blog about. Generally, you at least have a starting point in mind before you begin putting words to the screen. A basic idea of where you are going to be taking those words. Some sort of signal that recording them is a better idea than staying silent. But I'm a rebel. Who needs to know where you're going to end up anyway? It'll be more like an adventure this way. Let the shared meditation, or whatever you want to call it, begin!

Well, in regards to my last post: yes, I am upset and/or frustrated. While it is a difficult thing, and I'll probably be dealing with it for a while, I'm not lost in a land of depression or anything. I still smile most every day. I'm still laughing, and enjoying things. My life is still moving forward. Even when it hits me hard, it can't keep me down for every moment of every day. There's always going to be something there to make me smile, even when I don't want to smile anymore. And anyone who knows me, knows that you can't keep laughter from my grips. One of my greatest attributes is possibly my ability to laugh. Although it may very well also be one of my greatest faults, because if it's possible to laugh too much I would be the definition of that possibility. (I may find myself randomly bursting into tears from time to time, but that's only going to last for so long) When I lose the ability to smile or laugh for longer than a few days, that's when you can begin to worry about me. Until then, don't mind me, I'm just fine.

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." --Author Unknown

And who knows, maybe one day he and I will find ourselves in the same place. Maybe one day we'll get the timing right, and end up together again. Perhaps that dream of mine, hand in hand trying again, is a premonition of sorts. I won't hold my breath for that possibility, but it's a nice thought just the same. Even if it isn't probable. What is it that they always say? Something about, if you love something you have to let it go. Well, that's exactly what I did. So fly free. Find what you need. Be who you're supposed to be. Live, and enjoy your life. That's how it should be. Go and discover yourself. I still felt...feel...the way that I do, and nothing can take that away.

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."

Well, if it never comes around again, I know I'll be alright. Sooner or later something else will come along. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't give it another try if it did show up some day, assuming I was in a place in my life to let it happen again. Only time will tell, but that's always the case in life. Time is the only thing that can truly answer anything. Time and God. Heavenly Father also knows what is in store. Even if he lets time do all the talking. I guess everything is all about the when. What is happening when opportunity knocks. Or something along those lines.