So, lately I've been feeling all sorts of torn and confused. I rather dislike this state of mind/emotion. I don't like feeling...lost. What do I do? What am I doing? What does this mean? Where do I go from here? All of that. Yeah. It's not okay. I hope I sort through this soon, but I probably won't.
"Have you lost your way? Living in the shadow of the messes that you made?" --Lyrics from the song Aftermath by Adam Lambert
I've spent a lot of time building up walls around my heart; around my soul. Hoping frantically that if I lock people out, I'll be able to lock the opportunity of heartache out as well. Instead all it does is keep me trapped. That's not exactly what I was going for...
"I've spent my whole life building up this ivory tower. And now that I'm in it, I keep wishing it would fall." --Lyrics from the song I want to Live by Josh Gracin
See now, I've gotten really good at remaining emotionally detached. Building up these boundaries that I don't cross. Not letting people into my realm, at least not completely. By keeping them at a safe distance, I am somehow trying to keep my chances of pain at a safe distance, too. This way, if I get "hurt" I'm more just annoyed/irritated than actually hurt. I can deal with irritation a lot better than devastation. Better than...broken. But what happens when I'm already emotionally invested, and it's too late for my walls to protect me? That's when the temptation to bolt starts coming in...and I am left wondering if I should keep resisting the urge to run, or if I should just give in?? If I try, I could break. If I run, I could break. Why am I suddenly so fragile? The world always tries to tell me that I'm strong, and I've never agreed. Is this my proof that I must be weak? Somehow I don't think that's right either.
Here I am. Completely scared. Feeling a little lost and confused. Not quite sure where I'm going, or what I'm scared of. Or even if there IS anything to be scared of. Not entirely sure what is happening, but knowing that I'm suddenly little more than a leaf fluttering in the Autumn wind. Just another girl, at the mercy of fate. Waiting to see where my destiny lies. Waiting to see where my life leads me. Hoping that I can learn to follow the ques the way that I should. Victim only to myself, it seems. Or is there more to it than that? Seeing as how, things are never so simple, I'm sure that there must be more to it than that.
I sure wish I knew what it was that my heart was trying to tell me, because I'm afraid I just don't speak the language of blood pumping organs. Tragic, I know. I'd be better off deciphering gibberish.
"You say you have to leave, And put your heart on a shelf. What taught you that you've gotta run? What inspires this fear? When you start to feel something real, You always disappear." --Lyrics from the song Disappear by Stephen Speaks
(I think this one may be about me, just a tad bit. Sometimes. Just sayin'...or else I just have a lot in common with this girl lol)
Okay, I think that's enough ranting for now. Time to rest these little fingers, and hopefully this little mind as well. I really need some sleep. Try to ward of this lingering sickness that's hanging over my head, I hear sleep helps with that sort of thing ;)
Until next time, just don't forget to breathe. And I'll try to keep that one up myself.
